The ability to focus is an often-overlooked gift.
Indeed, sustaining attention is far more challenging for some than it is for others.
As a result, these same people often need to find ways to remain attentive and focused when necessary.
Unfortunately, these methods sometimes distract others.
Redditor Tapzdeazz was among those who needed to stay attentive during meetings and conferences.
Luckily, the original poster (OP) found a hobby that helped them do just that.
Things took an unexpected turn, however, when a colleague called the OP "unprofessional" for doing so.
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for crafting during meetings?"
The OP explained why they rubbed a colleague the wrong way during a recent meeting at work:
"So I work in a mainly office setting, and we have a lot of meetings, video conferences and online training which is primarily in video format."
"I've always needed something to do with my hands, thanks to ADHD and if I don't then I cannot focus on things that isn't reading properly."
"Which is ironic bc i also have dyselxia."
"I've also been crocheting and knitting since I was little and its something I do a lot while at home watching tv and movies bc it helps me focus."
"In Uni i used to crochet and knit in lectures because it helped and no one seemed to have a problem with it - the lecturers actually encouraged it when I asked and said as long as it helped me focus i could do whatever I wanted."
"So I decided I was going to take it into work with me to see of that would help me focus more in meetings and not get distracted during them (they're very long meeting, going up to 4 hours sometimes, and usually I mentally clock out within the first half hour)."
"Side note: I had brought up in supervision that I had trouble focusing and my manager was actually the one that recommended I find something to do with my hands and okayed it."
"It worked, I was able to focus a lot better and be more involved in the meetings because I wasn't drifting away."
"But recently a colleague came up to me and told me to stop."
"He said that it was rude and disrespectful towards everyone in the meeting and our service users whom the meetings are generally about."
"I tried to explain that it actually helped me in staying on track and remembering more of the information about our service users but he held his stance firmly."
"And it's not like I'm not participating at all, I don't need to look down at my knitting or crochet because I've been doing it so long, and I bring in pieces that are simple and mindless to do."
"I also will put it down to write/type up notes, and if I'm talking."
"Anyway, my colleague said he was going to bring this to higherups if i continued, even though I had already cleared it with my manager before I started doing so, and its gotten me a bit worried so I need your opinions."
"I just want to preface that the meetings I take part in aren't massive company meetings, usually there are about 6 -15 of us, and it's generally group discussions."
"Also where i work is quite relaxed and generally a casual setting (like, we wear smart casual as well) so its not super formal."
"To clear up about the service users - they are NOT in the meeting with us, it's only us as professionals in these meetings."
"We are discussing them and what we are going to do / our plans, but they are not present for them."
"We work with their mental health and im a part of a Therapy team, so I am well aware that it would be unprofessional to do so in the presence of service users."
"Additionally, the people within these meetings are generally people I see every day, so they're not all strangers."
"ALSO, I keep the crafting on my lap, and the projects are relatively small and in one color (like socks, hats, squares etc... not big projects like blankets and sweaters), I have a notebook or laptop on the table, so I'm not taking up a bunch of space on the table and it is generally quite hidden."
"When in the in-person meetings, I crochet so there are no needles clacking as crochet only uses 1 hook, the knitting is done when I'm online, as knitting is a bit more of a hassle than crochet."
"I am not medicated for my ADHD, but that has a reason."
"I have trialed a lot."
"I get bad side effects from medication even in general, such as extreme drowsiness and nausea (or some of them just don't even work for me), and these side affect mean I cannot work a full time job which I LOVE, so I'd rather be unmedicated and have to deal with it myself then be ill and not working."
"So should I stop? is what I'm doing disrespectful?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally stood behind the OP, agreeing that they were not the a**hole for knitting and crocheting during meetings.
Just about everyone agreed that as the OP got the all clear from their manager, then they were doing nothing wrong, even if some felt that they should probably have another discussion with their manager, if only so they don't get confronted by colleagues again:
"You literally cleared this with your manager, it wasn't a surprise to them, and as long as you're focused and participating, that's all that should matter."
"NTA."- Otakraft
"NTA."
"Because it was cleared with your manager, but you may want to take the extra step to get documented accommodations in place with HR."
"You also may want to report your colleague's interaction with you to your manager and HR."-sun_and_stars8
"NTA."
"But your manager needs to clarify this with the people in the meeting."
"Otherwise, why should you be able to do this and that same opportunity not be given to others attending the meetings?"
"If I were sitting beside you during a meeting, you might be able to focus better, but to me it would be a distraction, so I wouldn't be able to focus as well."- houseonpost
"NTA with caveats, and I really empathize!"
"I also have ADH,D and this is something I've really struggled with."
"I play D&D over Zoom with friends, and I would be sooooo much more engaged in the D&D session if I could bring my laptop into the kitchen and do basic rote tasks like chopping vegetables while we play."
"My friends don't mind in principle, but in practice they find it really distracting to see me moving around doing other things on screen (even if I'm muted when it's not my turn)."
"It just sucks because there's no hard feelings involved in either direction, but by definition, either I'm distracted, or I'm distracting everybody else."
"The caveat being: I think you should go back to your manager and bring up that a colleague has raised the concern that your knitting/crocheting is coming across as disrespectful."
"Maybe there will be some circumstances where a meeting involves higher-ups or external partners or users/clients or whomever else, and in those circumstances it would be better for you not to knit/crochet during the meetings because it's unfortunately true that people who don't know you might find it distracting or disrespectful, even though you know it is not either of those things."
"But there's no reason you shouldn't be able to knit/crochet during internal meetings with only members of your own team, especially given that you'd already cleared it with your manager; and it should be up to your manager to decide when a meeting involves stakeholders who might get the wrong impression from your knitting/crocheting, not up to a peer colleague."- onsereverra
"NTA."
"I have been in a day-long seminar with mostly medical people where one of the delegates was knitting."
"She was paying attention and asking relevant questions."
"Recently, I got chatting to a woman who was knitting on the train."
"She was a professor at a nearby university and told me she knits during meetings at work."
"She told me they recently had someone new join, so she thought she would ask them if they would mind if she knitted during the meeting."
"All her other colleagues immediately said 'please continue to knit in meetings, you are much more involved with us when you knit'."
"In neither case did anyone suggest it was unprofessional."- MolassesInevitable53
The OP later returned with an update, sharing how they planned on proceeding at work, and also clarifying a few things about their condition:
"Thank you for all the responses so far, I'll take what's been said into consideration."
"I'm going to speak with my manager on Monday and ask if we can talk about it at the beginning of the next meeting to get input from everyone else."
"I just want to say quickly to people saying I should just focus and stop being unprofessional by fidgeting in any capacity: ADHD and other disabilities do NOT work like that."
"I can't just focus, I can't just 'grow up', that is NOT how it works."
"If you can come up with a way to miraculously make me focus without fidgeting, I'm all ears."
If the OP's colleague found their crocheting distracting, they might want to consider how distracting they would find their fidgeting without having something to do with their hands to sharpen their focus.
One also can't help but wonder why the OP's manager didn't alert others to this, so that situations like this could be avoided.
Hopefully, if the OP does have another discussion with their manager, there will be less confusion surrounding this issue going forward.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp