According to United States Census data, married couples without any joint bank accounts rose by more than half, from 15% in 1996 to 23% as of 2023 with numbers continuing to climb.
Overall, about 62% of couples in committed relationships keep at least some finances separate, with 26% keeping accounts completely separate, and 36% using a hybrid mix. Only 38% completely combine their money.
The reasons cited were to:
- preserve personal autonomy
- manage different spending habits
- protect themselves from pre-existing debt
- simplify complexities of blended families and later-in-life marriages
A spouse who split their finances with their second husband after repeated conflicts over spending habits turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Normal_Cherry6538 asked:
"AITA for spending more money on my kids than my stepkids?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I both have kids (teenagers) from prior marriages. We each have our own incomes, although mine is significantly higher than his."
"When we first got together, we merged finances and I treated all of the kids the same. I got them into sports, got their clothes, took them on vacations, etc... I genuinely tried to treat them all as my own."
"As they got older, the blended family parenting dynamic got a lot harder. My husband and I would agree on budgets and financial rules, and then he wouldn’t follow them and/or would tell the kids not to tell me about things. If I got upset after finding out, they’d all focus on my reaction instead of the fact that he’d gone behind my back."
"The tipping point was when my stepdaughter told me that what her dad spent on her was none of my business and that he should be able to give her money whenever he wanted to. My husband didn’t back me up."
"After that, I suggested we separate finances and financial responsibilities for our kids. He would take the lead on parenting and financial decisions for his kids, and I’d do the same for mine."
"If he wanted my opinion, I’d gladly give it, but I wasn’t going to keep living in a dynamic where I carried the majority of the financial responsibility without any control. We figured out a split for shared expenses based on our incomes and agreed to each be responsible for our own kids’ expenses."
"Financially, it’s great. We don’t fight about money anymore and it’s way less stressful for me."
"Husband has since acknowledged he was wrong, we’ve gone through counseling, and the issue of hiding things from me seems to be in the past (from what I can see anyway)."
"The issue is that I make considerably more than my husband. He’s also more likely to spend his discretionary money on vehicles and stuff for himself, while I tend to spend more on my kids."
"To be clear, I haven’t stopped doing things for his kids—I just don’t feel obligated to anymore. His daughter is out of the house and wants nothing to do with me, so I don't do anything for her."
"For my stepson, I still buy him clothes, helped pay for his computer, take him on vacations, and I match every dollar he puts into savings. If there’s something I genuinely want to do for him, I do it happily."
"The difference is that for day-to-day expenses, spending money, or things he simply wants, he knows to ask his dad. If I contribute, it’s because I want to."
"My stepdaughter has expressed resentment to my husband's family that it’s unfair that my kids are spoiled and get things handed to them that she has to pay for herself. It’s created some family issues where they talk about me behind my back and exclude me from family events now because they think I’m unfair."
"I don’t stop my husband from spending more on her or his son. I don’t control his money or even see his bank account or bills. We simply have different priorities with our discretionary income."
"Issue is daughter/his family, but husband and I are mostly on the same page about finances."
"Yes, when they say things to him, he pushes back. However, most of the talk about me is behind both of our backs, to other family members and friends. He doesn’t go to things I’m not invited to."
"He’s always been conflict avoidant and not that social with his family, and at this point, he doesn’t interact with them much at all."
"AITA for sticking to what we agreed on, even though it means my kids get more?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA.Yeah it's a husband problem. The fact that he didn't back you up or let his daughter disrespect you is how this situation happened. ~ IceSeeker
"Stepdaughter can’t have it both ways. If OP has no say in what her husband gives stepdaughter, stepdaughter certainly has no say in how much OP gives to her own kids. FAFO - stepdaughter had a good thing going and blew it. Her loss. ~ Keepingitsimpleziva
"The fact he spent joint money on things he and OP agreed not to buy and then told the kids to lie to her about it showed who he was. It also gave the kids permission to treat her like a wallet and not a person. ~ readergirl35
"This would be where I exited stage left. You don’t get to lie to me then make me the bad guy, while using my money. F that noise. ~ Existing-Speech4173
"Agreed this is a partner problem.The step daughter clearly has a chip on her shoulder and is likely feeling a chunk of guilt for creating the situation her brother is still forced to live in. ~ Fragrant-Reserve4832
"Does he really push back on his family's talk? Has he told them that she's experiencing the consequences of his actions as well as hers? If he hasn't taken accountability for stopping the gossip, then you're not as much on the same page as you think you are." ~ spiderplant892
"This is a truth bomb right here. So husband admitted in therapy (so, privately) however much later that he was wrong not to stick up for his wife when his daughter disrespects her."
"He now *checks notes* doesn’t stick up for his wife in real time when his daughter disrespects her. Doesn’t seem like that lesson really stuck." ~ Andromeda081
"This! If he’s not pushing back and trying to clarify things with his family, then they are not on the same page as she seems to think." ~ nonchalant-845
"Pushed back…I’d wager he’s pushing the narrative behind OP’s back. How old is the stepdaughter? Is she 18? 19? She’s definitely in the wrong for bad mouthing OP and being disrespectful, but maybe she’s being told a different story by dad."
"I’d get snapping if he’s telling her 'no, I can’t help you honey, your stepmom won’t let me!' meanwhile little bro is getting a special savings plan and new computers." ~ bodyodditea
"I’d admit I was wrong too if I was no longer getting a share of my wife’s greater income."
"You indicate you still do/give things for his son. Does your husband ever do/give things for your kids?" ~ Patrick_C1965
"NTA. He’s choosing his own comfort over both you and his kids. That’s the person he is. If his daughter doesn't like that, she needs to be on his case, not yours." ~ Jinniblack
"It sounds like his son still gets a lot of stuff overall and is not truly going without nice things: 'For my stepson, I still buy him clothes, helped pay for his computer, take him on vacations, and I match every dollar he puts into savings'."
"This is just what OP does. I assume his father spends at least some money on him, too: 'His daughter is out of the house and wants nothing to do with me, so I dont do anything for her'."
"Now the daughter is getting less as OP is not giving her anything anymore, but that is understandable when she doesn't like OP and wants nothing to do with them."
"But that still doesn't mean her father is not helping her with money at all anymore. It can be that he is doing a fine job overall as a father and is just not spoiling them to the same degree as OP spoils their children with their money that the stepdaughter no longer benefits from." ~ opelan
"Just quote her back to herself. What you spend on your kids is none of her business." ~ vegasbywayofLA
"Yes, and tell her that it’s her father’s job to support her financially whether he chooses to or not because it's none of your business. And if she is out of the house and wants nothing to do with you, why is she complaining?" ~ Away-Ad4393
OP's arrangement works for them and their husband. As teenagers, the kids will be independent soon enough.
If his children feel slighted by their father, they need to be told—until it sticks—that the stepdaughter specifically asked for this arrangement, her father agreed to it, and she needs to take up her complaints with her father since she declared it wasn't any of OP's business.
