According to United States Census data, married couples without any joint bank accounts rose by more than half, from 15% in 1996 to 23% as of 2023 with numbers continuing to climb.
Overall, about 62% of couples in committed relationships keep at least some finances separate, with 26% keeping accounts completely separate, and 36% using a hybrid mix. Only 38% completely combine their money.
The reasons cited were to:
- preserve personal autonomy
- manage different spending habits
- protect themselves from pre-existing debt
- simplify complexities of blended families and later-in-life marriages
A spouse who split their finances with their second husband after repeated conflicts over spending habits turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Normal_Cherry6538 asked:
"AITA for spending more money on my kids than my stepkids?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I both have kids (teenagers) from prior marriages. We each have our own incomes, although mine is significantly higher than his."
"When we first got together, we merged finances and I treated all of the kids the same. I got them into sports, got their clothes, took them on vacations, etc... I genuinely tried to treat them all as my own."
"As they got older, the blended family parenting dynamic got a lot harder. My husband and I would agree on budgets and financial rules, and then he wouldn’t follow them and/or would tell the kids not to tell me about things. If I got upset after finding out, they’d all focus on my reaction instead of the fact that he’d gone behind my back."
"The tipping point was when my stepdaughter told me that what her dad spent on her was none of my business and that he should be able to give her money whenever he wanted to. My husband didn’t back me up."
"After that, I suggested we separate finances and financial responsibilities for our kids. He would take the lead on parenting and financial decisions for his kids, and I’d do the same for mine."
"If he wanted my opinion, I’d gladly give it, but I wasn’t going to keep living in a dynamic where I carried the majority of the financial responsibility without any control. We figured out a split for shared expenses based on our incomes and agreed to each be responsible for our own kids’ expenses."
"Financially, it’s great. We don’t fight about money anymore and it’s way less stressful for me."
"Husband has since acknowledged he was wrong, we’ve gone through counseling, and the issue of hiding things from me seems to be in the past (from what I can see anyway)."
"The issue is that I make considerably more than my husband. He’s also more likely to spend his discretionary money on vehicles and stuff for himself, while I tend to spend more on my kids."
"To be clear, I haven’t stopped doing things for his kids—I just don’t feel obligated to anymore. His daughter is out of the house and wants nothing to do with me, so I don't do anything for her."
"For my stepson, I still buy him clothes, helped pay for his computer, take him on vacations, and I match every dollar he puts into savings. If there’s something I genuinely want to do for him, I do it happily."
"The difference is that for day-to-day expenses, spending money, or things he simply wants, he knows to ask his dad. If I contribute, it’s because I want to."
"My stepdaughter has expressed resentment to my husband's family that it’s unfair that my kids are spoiled and get things handed to them that she has to pay for herself. It’s created some family issues where they talk about me behind my back and exclude me from family events now because they think I’m unfair."
"I don’t stop my husband from spending more on her or his son. I don’t control his money or even see his bank account or bills. We simply have different priorities with our discretionary income."
"Issue is daughter/his family, but husband and I are mostly on the same page about finances."
"Yes, when they say things to him, he pushes back. However, most of the talk about me is behind both of our backs, to other family members and friends. He doesn’t go to things I’m not invited to."
"He’s always been conflict avoidant and not that social with his family, and at this point, he doesn’t interact with them much at all."
"AITA for sticking to what we agreed on, even though it means my kids get more?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA.Yeah it's a husband problem. The fact that he didn't back you up or let his daughter disrespect you is how this situation happened. ~ IceSeeker
"Stepdaughter can’t have it both ways. If OP has no say in what her husband gives stepdaughter, stepdaughter certainly has no say in how much OP gives to her own kids. FAFO - stepdaughter had a good thing going and blew it. Her loss. ~ Keepingitsimpleziva
"The fact he spent joint money on things he and OP agreed not to buy and then told the kids to lie to her about it showed who he was. It also gave the kids permission to treat her like a wallet and not a person. ~ readergirl35
"This would be where I exited stage left. You don’t get to lie to me then make me the bad guy, while using my money. F that noise. ~ Existing-Speech4173
"Agreed this is a partner problem.The step daughter clearly has a chip on her shoulder and is likely feeling a chunk of guilt for creating the situation her brother is still forced to live in. ~ Fragrant-Reserve4832
"Does he really push back on his family's talk? Has he told them that she's experiencing the consequences of his actions as well as hers? If he hasn't taken accountability for stopping the gossip, then you're not as much on the same page as you think you are." ~ spiderplant892
"This is a truth bomb right here. So husband admitted in therapy (so, privately) however much later that he was wrong not to stick up for his wife when his daughter disrespects her."
"He now *checks notes* doesn’t stick up for his wife in real time when his daughter disrespects her. Doesn’t seem like that lesson really stuck." ~ Andromeda081
"This! If he’s not pushing back and trying to clarify things with his family, then they are not on the same page as she seems to think." ~ nonchalant-845
"Pushed back…I’d wager he’s pushing the narrative behind OP’s back. How old is the stepdaughter? Is she 18? 19? She’s definitely in the wrong for bad mouthing OP and being disrespectful, but maybe she’s being told a different story by dad."
"I’d get snapping if he’s telling her 'no, I can’t help you honey, your stepmom won’t let me!' meanwhile little bro is getting a special savings plan and new computers." ~ bodyodditea
"I’d admit I was wrong too if I was no longer getting a share of my wife’s greater income."
"You indicate you still do/give things for his son. Does your husband ever do/give things for your kids?" ~ Patrick_C1965
"NTA. He’s choosing his own comfort over both you and his kids. That’s the person he is. If his daughter doesn't like that, she needs to be on his case, not yours." ~ Jinniblack
"It sounds like his son still gets a lot of stuff overall and is not truly going without nice things: 'For my stepson, I still buy him clothes, helped pay for his computer, take him on vacations, and I match every dollar he puts into savings'."
"This is just what OP does. I assume his father spends at least some money on him, too: 'His daughter is out of the house and wants nothing to do with me, so I dont do anything for her'."
"Now the daughter is getting less as OP is not giving her anything anymore, but that is understandable when she doesn't like OP and wants nothing to do with them."
"But that still doesn't mean her father is not helping her with money at all anymore. It can be that he is doing a fine job overall as a father and is just not spoiling them to the same degree as OP spoils their children with their money that the stepdaughter no longer benefits from." ~ opelan
"Just quote her back to herself. What you spend on your kids is none of her business." ~ vegasbywayofLA
"Yes, and tell her that it’s her father’s job to support her financially whether he chooses to or not because it's none of your business. And if she is out of the house and wants nothing to do with you, why is she complaining?" ~ Away-Ad4393
OP's arrangement works for them and their husband. As teenagers, the kids will be independent soon enough.
If his children feel slighted by their father, they need to be told—until it sticks—that the stepdaughter specifically asked for this arrangement, her father agreed to it, and she needs to take up her complaints with her father since she declared it wasn't any of OP's business.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp