When people or children marry or remarry, the relationship between their new spouse and their children is always a major point of concern.
Sometimes, the children won't make any attempt to become close to their new step-parent, feeling they are a constant reminder that their parent's marriage didn't work out.
Other times, however, they become instantly close, almost as if they were family all along.
Redditor throwwaway_88 luckily fell into the latter category with his step-children, having a great relationship with them from the get-go.
In fact, owing to several circumstances, the original poster had spent far more time with his step-children than he had with his biological son from his previous marriage.
When an opportunity came for the OP to finally reconnect with his son, he was somewhat surprised to receive considerable backlash from his wife and step-children about the matter.
Wondering if he was being insensitive to them, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for wanting to spend my birthday with my bio-son and not my step-children this year?"
The OP explained how his wife and children were not happy about his decision to spend a certain day with his son, despite not having seen him in person for years.
"My (53 M[ale]) wife (45 F[emale]) and I have been married for 10 years."
"I have a bio-son from my previous marriage, Logan (28M) and 3 step-children with my wife (Mike 16 M, Lisa 14 F and Nina 12 F)."
"I haven't seen my son since the pandemic started because he got stuck in another country."
"We text, call and video call, but it's not the same as having him here."
"When flights were allowed again, he still couldn't come since he got an amazing job opportunity and wanted to do his best."
"It made me sad, because I miss my boy so much, however I understood that life is sometimes hard."
"I love my step-children so much."
"I call them my children and they call me dad, I'm only calling them step-children for the sake of the post."
"They're amazing kids and I'm really proud of them lot."
"My birthdays are magical with them, lots of fun, games and food."
"This year, Logan is coming to the US for a work trip that falls in my birthday week, to a city close to where we live."
"My birthday is during a Tuesday and he's coming Mondat to Friday."
"He's unable to make the drive here and there, so I said I'll be coming to him since his company allows one free day per worker during that week and he asked for Tuesday."
"This means I won't be able to be here with the rest of my children since I'll have to leave at 5 am and then I'll be back around 10 or 11 pm."
"They're bummed and Mike said it was unfair of me to choose my bio-kid over them."
"But as I see them, I have to choose either way."
"My kids go to school in the morning, so we would celebrate after 2-3 pm, I can't take them with me and Logan can't come here."
"It's just a day for all these years I have been unable to see him and we can still do something together during the weekend."
"I apologized, but said that my decision was final and at night, my wife said I was an a**hole and that I was no better than those step-parents who cast their step-children aside from the bio-kids, and that she knows I've always love Logan more, which is not true."
"She says me going will damage my relationship with my step-kids forever."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Everyone agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for wanting to spend his birthday with his son.
Everyone agreed that the OP's family were being thoughtless and unfair, with many pointing out that the OP's wife didn't seem to share the love for her step-son that the OP shared with all of her children.
"NTA."
"She says you're one of those step parents who cast the step kids aside?"
"No."
"SHES one of those parents."
"He's her step son just as they are your step children."
"The fact she doesn't want you to go see him sounds like she's trying to make sure her kids are MORE important rather than EQUALLY important."
"Don't let her stop you from seeing your boy."
"And I guarantee you if you've been raising those kids right, they'll come to understand when you explain it."- Incognito_Girl9
"Your wife is tossing her step son aside for her bio kids."
"She's one of those parents."
"NTA but your wife is."- Green_Seat8152
"NTA."
"Why do all the most unreasonable people in the world all end up in stories on this subreddit?"
"You haven't seen your son for over three years."
"Celebrate your birthday on a different day this year with your step children."
"Your wife, in particular, is being malicious."
"It sounds like she's trying to edge Logan out of your life permanently, in favor of your step kids."-RighteousVengeance
"NTA."
"Your wife is playing a dirty game."
"You should turn it right back around on her."
"'Why do you hate Logan?'"
"'Why are you so desperate to keep him and I apart?'"
"'Why are you sowing seeds of bitterness between him and his younger siblings?'"
"'Why do you want to make him feel unloved and unwanted in our family?'"
"'Why are you trying to destroy my relationship with our three youngest children?'"
"'Why are you trying to destroy my happiness?'"
"What's good for the goose."- HardFastHeavy
"NTA."
"You wife is the hypocrite."
"She is doing to your bio-son exactly what she is saying to you."
"She cast her step-son aside from her bio-kids."- TheDeadlyPandaGamer
"NTA."
"You literally only get one day to see your boy after years of not seeing him and now you’re getting shit from the people that get to see you everyday?"
"Your wife and step kids should be happy for you that you get to see your son again but instead they feel that he’s imposing on THEIR family."
"Very telling how they really feel about your son."
"Your wife guilting you about damaging your relationship with step kids forever is just a power trip, hoping you damage your relationship with your son forever instead."
"Your wife wants you to show her that she means more than your first marriage."
"Don’t for one second think she doesn’t enjoy having him gone and step kids getting you all to themselves."
"NTA."
"Please go spend your birthday with your son."- This_Hybrid_Moment
"NTA I think it's really selfish of your wife to ask you not to see your son who you haven't seen in four years for her children who you see every day."
"Then to make you feel guilty because for not putting her children first is really selfish."
"I think it's weird that she would ask you to prioritize hers kids over yours."
"I think you should ask why they feel it's OK to prioritize what they want and what they desire on your birthday."- lovinglybeingme
"NTA."
"I’m gonna let Mike’s comments slide because he’s a hormonal teenager whose prefrontal cortex is still developing."
"Your wife is 100% the a**hole in this situation, because she can’t empathize with you or Logan."
"This incident won’t damage your relationship with your kids, she will."
"She sounds vindictive and unpleasant."
"Hope you have an ironclad prenup."- enceinte-uno
"NTA."
"Your wife is an AH and completely lacks empathy."
"The age difference in your kids and the timeline with your wife makes me think that your oldest hasn't spent much time with his step family so your step kids have come to the conclusion that their physical presence makes them more important."
"Mike's comment about it not being 'fair' is the one that bothers me."
"He's old enough to know that you don't always get everything you want and should be able to understand you wanting to spend time with your older son."
"Sit down with your step kids and explain that you are their dad and they are your babies, but Logan is your baby, too."
"It's a birthday present to yourself to see the baby you haven't seen in so long."
"To imagine if they had not seen you or their mother in years."
"Then when you get the chance to meet find out that their siblings don't want you to see them because they don't think it's fair even though they see them everyday."
"You know it sucks that they might not see you on your birthday, but you'll absolutely do something with them the weekend before/after."- Natural_Garbage7674
It seems fairly clear, if only by their disappointment in not getting to spend his birthday with him, that the OP has been a devoted and loving father to his step-children.
Making it more than a little surprising that they would be so against his taking a rare opportunity to see his son, who he hasn't seen in nearly two years.
One can only hope that with a little pause for thought, they all might come to understand how much this means to him.
Particularly his wife, who should think about her relationship with Logan the next time she sees her husband with her children.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp