Everyone has their moments of feeling overstimulated, overworked, and deeply stressed.
In those moments, nothing sounds better than a little time alone, maybe at a favorite getaway location, or even just a night alone to watch reruns of a favorite TV show while eating pizza with only their favorite toppings.
But for some reason, when people become parents, admitting that they're stressed and could use a little alone time is suddenly toxic and a huge parenting and partner red flag, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor camchowda was a parent of two sons and two dogs, and they were committed to their work, their wife, and their family.
But when the calendar started creeping up on their birthday, all the Original Poster (OP) could think of as a possible birthday gift was a solo trip, though they couldn't find a way to broach the idea with their wife without breaking her heart.
They asked the sub:
"Would I be the a**hole if I asked for a week alone for my birthday?"
The OP was very committed to their life and family.
"I'm happily married with two boys (nine and four) and two dogs."
"I work in corporate America as a sales director, and my wife and I have a large, complex side business, as well."
But the OP really needed a break.
"My wife asked me what I want for my 45th birthday."
"All I can think of is time alone."
"I have no intention to cheat, do drugs, or do anything else bad. I just want a week, or even just a weekend, alone, away from my many obligations."
"But how do I say that to her?"
"AITAH?"
"P.S. Someone asked if my wife were to ever ask me for the same thing, would I give it to her, and the answer, without a doubt, without a moment of hesitation, is ABSOLUTELY."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some sympathized with the OP and their busy work schedule, agreeing that it sounded like they needed a break.
"A weekend would be acceptable. A week would be gross." - Low-Bumblebee2276
"You sound like you and your wife need to work out a wee bit more alone time for yourselves. Stop working to the bone, because those don't grow back." - Squeekyd**k
"NTA, but when you ask, say that you want some alone time to de-stress from work and the side hustle."
"Phones off and break from everything… and it’s a big ask, so you want her to have the same experience a few weeks or months or so after you. Don’t make her ask for it, too."
"And make sure you tell her that you're open to giving her the same!" - thinksying
"A weekend or a long weekend is more appropriate, and is perfectly reasonable as long as she has the same opportunity."
"My husband and I have been married 34 years, and in the crazy busy years, taking time for weekends together without the kids, and solo weekends saved our sanity." - Msbroberts
"A week might be inconsiderate and impractical, because she'll have 100% of the obligations on her for home, kids, and work. A week is a LONG time when you're both working hard and feeling strapped TOGETHER." - EgbertSouse2
"It depends on how old the kids are, so I’ll withhold my rating here."
"If they’re largely independent, meaning at least teens, this is a reasonable ask, although you might pick a date near but not on your birthday so your family can celebrate it with you."
"On the other hand, if they’re little and you’re asking your wife to manage alone, yes, you’d be an a**hole."
"It also matters that she gets a similar amount of time away free of obligations. My next question is, do you want to be away from her or just not working, dealing with the house and kids, etc.? If there are relatives or close friends who can take the kids for a week, would both of you going away together be something you’d want?" - Either_Management813
"NTA, as long as you pay for your wife to hire child care AND she then gets a week (or weekend) alone." - Ok-Pineapple-618
"If she was taking an entire week to herself just so she could have some time away from the kids? Why not? It's obviously not absolutely necessary, but parents are allowed to have support and help, regardless of whether they're a man or a woman."
"My husband does just as much as I do when it comes to our home and children, sometimes (often, I'm sure) more. If I had the chance to spend a week away just relaxing, not only would my husband deserve to have support in my absence, but it would help me relax more to know I'm not shoveling everything onto his shoulders and saying, 'see ya!'" - Next-Firefighter4667
"A week away from your obligations means going to some fun destination with your wife. Presumably, you don't consider your wife an obligation to run away from. If you can get a babysitter or have family nearby, leave the boys with them and have a romantic vacation." - EuropeanLady
Others pointed out that it might be helpful to treat the OP's birthday and vacation as two separate events to avoid hurt feelings.
"This is valid, but not as a birthday present."
"'What would you like from me for your birthday?'"
"'For you to be away from me for a week.' Not nice."
"Instead, talk about it completely separate from your birthday, at another time. Propose the deal to her (you each get a week off). Phrase it carefully." - Hagedoorn
"I can't imagine my husband not wanting to spend his birthday with me and the kids. I know he needs alone time, but it would really hurt if he chose his birthday for that time." - Dangerous-Dinner-840
"Schedule time for BOTH of you to be alone, don't just drop everything on her for a week because it's your birthday. Jesus, dude. Your birthday gift shouldn't be a painful inconvenience for your life partner, for f**k's sake." - the-mortyest-morty
"NTA. I’m a woman, and I remember that I used to fantasize about getting a local hotel room for a couple of days just to lie around and watch TV undisturbed by my husband and three kids or housework! I never did, though."
"Your wife might feel the same way, or maybe she can’t relate. Either way, I think you should tell her how you’re feeling and offer her to take care of things and let her go off on her own, too!" - DazzlingNote1925
"My daughter, married for 10 years, takes her cat and stays in a hotel, sometimes for a day and sometimes longer. I know it’s good for her. I can get alone time without leaving, but I guess some can’t." - Blue_therapist_
"My cousin used to do that! She would take a bottle of wine and a bag of allllll the magazines. Lounge by the pool, go to bed early, sleep late, and have room service. Omg genius!" - Bayou13
"Good parents don’t disappear for a week when they make a commitment to have children. Children always come first. That’s why parenting is called a responsibility. Planning this to align with a birthday, like it'd be a gift to be without them, is so much worse."
"I get that you're exhausted, I do. You're spread too thin. You have to do something about that. But plan a weekend, or long weekend, away, and then offer your wife the same, and then schedule it."
"Some friends of mine do time away once per quarter, and they stagger their quarters. Maybe something like that." - AccomplishedChart873
"I'd worry how your nine-year-old would feel if your birthday treat was being away from them."
"I get it completely. I recently had a week's stay in hospital, and once the fighting for my life stage was over, the total lack of responsibility or even ability to do anything was bliss."
"But nine years old is PEAK them still wanting to be around you. So I'd be arranging a weekend alone at a slightly later date." - Cevanne46
"I assumed OP was taking vacation time away from his man job, and the side business would be put on hold for the week. Obviously, things change if she's going to be running the business alone, plus taking care of the kids while he's gone. If there's more on her, than a week away is too much." - PandaMime_421
This was a very touchy conversation to have, and the subReddit took special care to answer it.
It was clear that the OP and their wife were overworked and stretched too thin by their obligations, and they both deserved a break. It wasn't a big surprise that all the OP could think about was time, not away from their family specifically, but away from their responsibilities.
That all said, it would be better for the OP to celebrate their birthday with their family and take a weekend away at another time.
It would even be worth discussing with their wife the possibility of taking regularly scheduled breaks, so they could take turns carrying the load and getting some much-needed rest.
