There is a fine line between a houseguest and a roommate.
Generally speaking, a houseguest is someone who is staying with you for a short, predetermined amount of time.
On some occasions, however, a few days turns into a few weeks, which turns into a month, and just keeps growing.
Making it seem justifiable to perhaps start asking this houseguest to start contributing to the household expenses.
The daughter of Redditor Dangerous-Owl-1771's sister-in-law (SIL) was moving to her family's neighborhood for an exciting career opportunity.
Leading the original poster (OP)'s SIL to ask if her daughter could stay with them as she got adjusted.
While the OP was initially ready to say yes, the more she learned about her niece's plans, the less and less inclined she was to open her door to her.
Wondering if she was being fair, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for Refusing to House My 25-Year-Old Niece After ‘A Few Days’ Turned Into ‘Maybe Forever’?"
The OP explained why she was growing more and more wary of letting her niece stay in her house:
"My partner (51 M[ale]), myself (47 F[emale]) and our four kids live together (16, 16, 19, 20)."
"The kids go back and forth to their other parents as we are a blended family."
"We live in a 5 bedroom house in an established suburban neighborhood in a large-ish city."
"Last night my partner’s sister called and told us she had news and a questions for us."
"The news was her daughter (25 F[emale]) has been offered a job in our city."
"They currently live across the country from us."
"She asked if her daughter could live with us when she comes here."
"We don’t have any issues with family coming to stay on their vacation with us."
"We have a large walkout basement with a room that could be used as a bedroom with some work."
"We have a hang out area our kids use in the basement with a tv and couches."
"There is a room that could be used as a bedroom (it has a proper window) but needs a door."
"However, the bathroom is the one the two oldest share together so it wouldn’t be solely the niece’s."
"I know we have enough space."
"What also I know we don’t have is tolerance for opened ended guests."
"The ask started with could she stay here for a couple of days, then morphed to a month, then possibly three months as there is a probation period on the job."
"This all happened within the span of minutes."
"My partner’s sister said her daughter would 'probably want her own place eventually'."
"Excuse me what?!"
"Eventually?"
"Staying here for one or two weeks, sure but for an undetermined amount of time is a bit much to ask."
"She doesn’t cook much and can be picky with food."
"What she does eat and can cook we don’t keep in the house due to a food allergy one of our kids has."
"It would be okay if she had the food in the basement, but not in our kitchen."
"She may bring her dog and cat, two of the kids are super allergic so that is a deal breaker for us."
"I really don’t know her well."
"I have met her twice and she has not talked to me either time."
"She came off as very aloof."
"Her family is very sparse and evasive with information."
"The date she is coming out keeps changing, where she works is a big mystery no one will divulge (even when flat out asked to share it), and so many things like if her boyfriend is coming or not or if she will drive out a car."
"We both aren’t fans of subterfuge."
"There are no state secrets with this, especially if someone is asking to live with us."
"Our niece is an only child who was closely parented."
"Her mum keeps tabs on her daughter and I don’t want to get involved with that."
"Our kids all have age appropriate freedoms."
"We will not police a 25 year old and grill her comings and goings."
"It isn’t our business."
"We feel like she needs to adult in this situation and we are not taking on a fifth child."
"We don’t want to upset the rest of the family or cause any friction."
"Saying no will absolutely cause issues but living together might cause so many more."
"So AITAH for not letting our niece live with us for an undisclosed amount of time?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to house her SIL's daughter.
Everyone agreed that it was one thing to allow her to stay for a short, predetermined amount of time, but quite another to ask her to stay indefinitely, with many also suspicious of the lack of details regarding the new job of the OP's niece:
"The fact that you haven’t heard from the niece at all is a big red flag."
"NTA."- letsplaydrben
"NTA."
"You are not refusing to help your niece."
"You are recognizing that 'can she stay with us while she gets settled?' is a very different request from 'can she move into our home indefinitely while she figures things out?'”- SmoothSpell7918
"Why is a 25 year olds mom calling you to ask if she can stay at your house?"
"That is a red flag in itself."
"If she cannot even call you herself and commit to details about the job there is no way I would consider it."
"NTA."- blackbirdsinging68
"NTA."
"This whole situation is super sketchy."
"Why is she looking for (or considering) a job on the other side of the country without doing prep work of figuring out housing?"
"An ask to stay for a week or two until her apartment is ready is reasonable."
"Open ended living with you for free is not reasonable."
"Bringing a boyfriend and pets is 100% not even sane."
"The withholding info makes it even worse."
"I know you've said the child is helicopter parented, but this sounds more like there has been some sort of drama and they want to dump her and whatever the issue is on you."
"You may end up with two freeloaders with no jobs AND their pets?!?"
"No is what you need to say. If they want you to help the niece, the ask needs to be defined and designed for minimum impact to you."
"Is it possible she is pregnant or in trouble with drugs or police and they don't want anyone to know so they are trying to get her away from their area to hide it?"
"Any parent whose child has been offered an exciting job opportunity across the country would generally be telling everyone all about the job."
"The fact that they are refusing to speak about it is a huge red flag."- Euphoric-Joke-4436
"No of course you are NTA."
"Protect your peace and your family."- aLouminumfalcon
"You're worried about causing issues?"
"The 'issue' is your neice needs a place to stay, and is being weirdly evasive about basic information."
"Your sister in law and neice have caused the issue."
"Saying 'no' to them ends the issue."
"Why are you worried about letting down inconsiderate a**holes?"
"NTA."- Zestyclose-Custard-2
"NTA."
"My mum was asked similar when a family friend was starting university."
"It was supposed to be 2-3 weeks."
"It ended up being 6 months and only stopped at that point as mum told a lie and said she had family coming to stay after the uni break and we didn't have the space."
"At the time it only took about 2 weeks for the family friend to find somewhere to rent (20 years ago)."
"She hadn't been paying for anything while staying and had been using all her money to go out drinking as much as possible."
"Do not let this happen."- Grand-Fun-206
"NTA."
"You have several options here."
"1- say NO, flat out."
"'That won't be possible after all', 'it doesn't work with our family'."
"Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain)."
"Totally valid, but could lead to conflict or resentment."
"You could offer to help in other ways though (connect her with letting agency, help her move, source some furniture, or even help financially)."
"2- decide what you CAN offer, and set up a formal agreement."
"For example: "We can offer to let her stay for 2 months, she will have her own room and bathroom, and access to shared kitchen. She'll be responsible for her own grocery shopping, meal prep, laundry. We will help connect her to letting agencies and accommodation providers, and will help her move into her new place. This is conditional on her keeping the place clean and tidy, and actively looking to find accommodation. If by the end of two months she hasn't found a place she will still have to go".
"I'd consider setting up a formal, legal renting agreement, even if for a symbolic amount."
"Also check tenancy rights and squatting rights where you live."- Zoenne
It's not unreasonable for someone to look for temporary digs as they figure out a new chapter of their lives.
That being said, it's also usually polite in those situations to give a definite end date and even offer some compensation towards the household.
As much as one wants to give her the benefit of the doubt, one can't help but wonder if the OP's SIL is taking advantage of her.
On top of that, would a 25-year-old career woman really want to move into a house with four children?
