While it's not fun to think about, some parents actively choose not to be there for their kids, whether that means not interacting with them at home or not being in their life at all.
Every once in a while, one of these "parents" will decide to do something to try to "make it up to" their kids later in life, but it's not always as great of a gift as it may seem, side-eyed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Awkward_Position_908's father was not there for her throughout her childhood, and at 21, she did not expect him to reappear.
So when he left a gift for her at her paternal aunt's home, she was surprised.
When that gift turned out to be a large sum of money, the Original Poster (OP) was grateful but then surprised when her father's wife came looking for it, expecting her to return it.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for not giving my estranged father's wife the money he sent me?"
The OP's father had not been in the picture for basically her entire life.
"My father wasn't in my (21 Female) life growing up. He left mom and me when I was two and refused to pay child support. He quit his job when he was tracked down for support, and he spent time in jail rather than pay."
"Eventually, my mom stopped fighting because it was going nowhere. She felt like it was wasting resources chasing after him when it was obvious he was going to avoid it however he could."
"A couple of years ago, he moved about an hour away, and I saw him for the first time since a court appearance when I was eight. We didn't speak either of those times, but it surprised me that he came back."
"I found out from my paternal aunt that he was married and had more kids. He'd reached out to her and wanted to reconnect, and she told him where to go. She had always taken my and my mom's side and was always pretty disgusted he walked away like he did and refused to support me financially."
The OP was surprised when he left a gift for her at his sister's house.
"In December, my aunt told me he went to her house and left something for me there. I asked her what it was, and she had no idea, but she said it was in an envelope."
"I opened it, and it was a check. And it was a big one, too."
"I tried giving it to my mom, but she told me to keep it and he owed me, that he abandoned me, and it was the least I deserved. I tried telling her she deserved it more, but she wouldn't even entertain the idea."
"So after confirming it was legit, I lodged it into my account. It's being saved for future me to have some money toward a house. It won't buy me one, but it won't hurt to have."
"Also, in case anyone wonders about the past child support he didn't pay, it's not the full amount he owes. It's honestly not even close to it, but the amount is still helpful."
But then the OP's father's new wife showed up, expecting to be reunited with the money.
"Then his wife came looking for the money by going to my aunt's house for me."
"My aunt made her leave, and I wasn't even there, but she showed up a few days later when I was there, and she demanded the money. She said it was money that was meant to go to her kids. She said that he had no right to drain their accounts for me."
"I told her it wasn't my problem, and my aunt threatened to call the cops."
"She made it seem like they're still together, but he did this behind her back anyway, so I don't know what to think. But I don't know a thing about either of them to say for sure. He could just like screwing people over. He could be dying and did it to make himself look or feel better before he dies or something, I don't know."
"My aunt told me that if that woman believed she had some legal right to get the money, she would have gone through official channels instead of showing up like she did."
"She showed up at my aunt's house again a few days after, and my aunt followed through and called the cops. But apparently, this woman left the message that I was selfish and entitled, and I stole it from her kids."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that the new wife would have to claim the money legally to acquire it.
"NTA. If she had a legitimate claim to the money, she could make it through the courts. She's harassing you because she probably doesn't."
"Save the money for your future. He gave it to you, so it belongs to you." - Dschingis?Khaaaaan
"To be fair, even if it was her money that was deposited on her saving account and he found a way to get to that money even though his name wasn't on the account: she would still have no legitimate claim to the money."
"What's his is hers and what's hers is his: you can't legally steal from your spouse." - Wic-a-ding-dong
"This woman said 'their accounts,' so that money was community property, and since he owed years and years of support, OP's claim would most likely trump the second wife's claim to the money being for her kids, in court."
"Judges don't like deadbeats who support kids from another family but not the ones they had first." - OkPsychology2376
"Why isn't she talking to her husband who wrote the cheque? How is OP responsible for draining the accounts?! Why is she out here bullying the person who already missed out on everything that she and her children enjoyed?!" - FlyonthewallofRed
"I'm side-eyeing this woman hard for how she's handling this situation and bullying the OP and her family, who were all negatively impacted by this 'man''s actions."
"But then again... Would you even date someone, marry someone, and have KIDS with someone who abandoned a child? She made that choice. The consequences are hers, not OP's."
"NTA." - ReaderReacting
Others agreed and reassured the OP that she was entitled to the money her dad gave to her.
"You stole nothing."
"Her kids have been supported by that deadbeat all their lives as she doesn't give a f**k whether you were dead or alive or if you had food to eat or clothes to wear."
"That's all the back child support that deadbeat owes you, like your mom said."
"You are entitled to that money and did not steal anything from anyone."
"Keep calling the cops every time she shows up."
"She chose to marry and have kids with a deadbeat who ghosted his own child for 19 years. Karma has finally found her address."
"NTA." - Mother_Search3350
"NTA."
"This is the child support he owes you. He was a deadbeat who didn't pay child support. This money was the child support he missed."
"She can take it up with her husband. You did nothing wrong."
"Also, don't you dare give that money back. You deserve that money." - Material_Cellist4133
"NTA. Not your monkey, not your circus. Your absent dad is definitely the AH for you, and it seems like he's being the AH to his current family as well."
"But you are no less entitled to that money than they are, and his current wife isn't entitled to harass you or his sister over an issue she has with him."
"Your aunt was right to involve the police, and she should do it again if it happens again. Take your mom out for a nice dinner, and then use the money in whatever way is best for you." - RasilBathbone
"If she has a problem with it, tell her to go track down the deadbeat that gave it to you, but if she doesn't stop harassing you and your family members, you'll file a restraining order against her."
"She's nothing to you, and you owe her nothing, certainly not your peace of mind or the money he chose to give you."
"Make sure your bank account is secured and password protected as well as your credit history. There's no telling what crazy people will try when it comes to money. It's yours, freely given, and she can pound sand if she doesn't like it."
"NTA. Stay strong." - forgetregret1day
"Definitely NTA."
"Document the harassment. Get the police reports to show the times that the police have been called on her."
"If you are approached anywhere, record and call the police."
"Accepting the money is not wrong. It's owed to you for all of the years that you and your mom were financially neglected by your sperm donor."
"Don't be guilted or bullied by anyone into thinking you are taking something from the other kids. That's not your problem or responsibility."
"Girl, take the money and run." - bino0526
"NTA. Your estranged father obviously weaponised your child support against your mother, despite the risk of you going without essentials like shelter, food, and clothing. So fast forward till you are legally an adult, like 21, and he has sent you a cheque for an amount, which he feels makes up for it."
"You owe this woman nothing. And you owe your father nothing."
"In fact, OP, I would go as far as to say that the person you should be most wary of is your father, especially if you are in college or look like you may be making good with your life in the near future."
"I have seen this situation many times where an absent father turns up many years later when their abandoned child is now an adult and attempts to 'buy' their way back into their Child's life."
"This man has abandoned many women and children along the way. He will NEVER change; he is just paying up (with someone else's money) to ensure he has someone to take care of him when he gets old."
"Take care of yourself." - Bluebells7788
The subReddit could agree that no amount of money would make up for the father's absence in her life but hoped that this money would put her on a path to security in her future, whether it was money she could put toward a house or another essential expense.
The fact that the father's new wife came looking for the money suggested that there was trouble in paradise. However, if she wanted renewed access to that money, she would need to use the proper channels and pursue the money in court.
The OP's father and new family had already done enough in-person damage.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp