Every relationship has its issues.
People are human, and we all have quirks.
Some quirks can lead to big issues, though.
And then it's time for action.
Redditor Mindless_Book_6457 found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her fiancé's inability to let her in the house, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
"AITAH for spending the night at a hotel after my fiancé locked me out?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My (F[emale] 26) fiancé (M[ale] 28) and I have been dating for a couple of years and recently we got engaged."
"We’ve had a very wonderful relationship so far with little to no conflict, we communicate very well, and I’m so excited to marry him."
"Just as a disclaimer."
"We recently moved into a new apartment a few months ago, which has been fine, but recently, there’s been an issue with the locks."
"We both work full-time jobs, but he gets home about 45 mins to an hour before me."
"Lately, he will turn the top lock instead of the bottom lock when he gets home, consequently locking me out of the apartment (the top lock can only be locked from inside, and there’s no way to unlock it from the outside)."
"The first couple of times this happened, I let it slide because it genuinely seemed like an accident, and he was very, very apologetic."
"I know him very well, and there’s not a malicious bone in his body, so there’s no possibility it’s something he’s doing on purpose."
"He’s always very excited to see me when I get home, very clingy overall, and rushes to open the door once he hears me knock, so, again, I don’t think it’s something being done on purpose."
"However, it started becoming more frequent despite my expressing how frustrating it has become."
"My commute home is long, and traffic is the entire time, so I’m almost always in a bad mood by the time I park at our apartment."
"Coming home just to be locked out when all I wanna do is just BE HOME makes me a little pissy."
"He apologizes profusely every time and says he’ll pay more attention, and for a couple of days."
"So then he’ll start using the correct lock, but then he’ll go right back to using the other one."
"Eventually, I kind of snapped at him and told him the next time I get home, and I’m locked out, I’m just going to find somewhere else to stay for the night."
"He really didn’t like the fact that I was threatening him with this, but again, assured me he’d be better about it and pay more attention to which lock he uses (he never locks both, by the way, just one of them)."
"This was a couple of days ago."
"We were both a little icy after that interaction, but quickly got over it, and everything was back to normal."
"Sure enough, yesterday evening, I got to the apartment and the door was locked."
"I didn’t even knock; I just immediately pivoted and went right back to my car."
"After a quick stop at Walmart for the essentials, I booked a hotel for the night and stayed there."
"It didn’t take long for him to figure out what was happening, and he called me within like ten minutes of me getting back in my car after I had gotten home."
"He was apologizing and begging me to come back, but I reminded him that I had warned him what would happen if he locked me out again and that I wasn’t coming back until tomorrow. "
"He fought me hard on this, but I stayed firm and quickly ended the phone call. "
"That evening, he was texting me a lot, again full of apologies, and I didn’t answer them."
"Now it’s the next day, I’m typing this up at work, and a little anxious about going back home after last night."
"He hasn’t texted or called since."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITAH for not bluffing?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA. You asked him repeatedly not to do something."
"Maybe now that he knows you follow through on consequences, he'll be more careful."
"It's still a red flag since he should have listened to you in the first place."
"Once or twice is a mistake."
"More than that means he just doesn't care." ~ ShinyAppleScoop
"But like, is he ok?"
"How does he keep doing this?"
"Maybe he is lacking in some fundamental adult brain power needed in order to function."
"I’m concerned about his mental acuity. NTA." ~ eirinne
"I wouldn't call it a threat, though."
"OP stated there would be consequences for actions; to me, that's a warning."
"If he doesn't want to face the consequences, he shouldn't perform the action."
"OP, you'd be the AH to yourself if you didn't follow through."
"He obviously needs the visual consequence to understand how much what he does affects you. Hope he's learned his lesson." ~ dontwannabeaclue324
"Maybe I’m a cynical old Redditor, but I just don’t buy this happening so many times by mistake."
"I wonder if OP and her fiancé lived together prior to this apartment and if OP has noticed anything else strange happening (her things being misplaced around the house and not where she left them, for example)."
"Another possibility is that he’s watching porn, or taking substances, or gambling, or something, and doesn’t want to be surprised."
"It’s such a symbolic thing, to control another adult’s access to their home."
"OP, you are NTA - proceed with caution." ~ ApocalypseThen77
"Here's a simple test - does he have this problem everywhere else?"
"Is he always getting written up at work because he 'forgot to do <thing> again?'"
"Or does he manage to fix a behavior after one or two reminders when asked by his supervisor/family member/friend/neighbor?"
"If he's a combination of chronically forgetful and habit-driven and this is how he has been all along, then he can fix this."
"And hopefully will now opt to do so."
"He could (already have) set an alarm on his phone to about 5 minutes before you get home to 'CHECK LOCK NOW', for example."
"Changing his default habit would be a way to show he cares - conversely, not doing so will tell you where you lie on his priority list."
"But if he's a pretty regular guy, then the question becomes what has he been getting out of locking the door?"
"Is it the ability to hide something he's doing?"
"Is it just enjoying the sense of control?"
"If this 'forgetfulness' is out of character, then it stops being an oops and becomes a red flag."
"And if this is out of character, then I wouldn't marry him until I got an explanation better than 'Sorry, I forgot again' because I would know that wasn't true."
"NTA. Also, he should reimburse you for the hotel room and overnight expenses because it's his damn fault." ~ SnarkyBeanBroth
"This is all a bit absurd."
"Is he daft or hiding something from you?"
"I don’t understand how this could happen more than once with a partner. Not sure how much spending the night in a hotel solves, but you seemed to think it was a useful enough threat to use."
"I would hold off on that trip down the aisle until you two are able to problem-solve together." ~ Quillhunter57
"NTA that would enrage me."
"Coming home after a long drive and can’t getting is frustrating."
"I’d be mad too."
"Having to wait for someone to let you in must make it feel like it’s not your home." ~ SpecialistAfter511
"NTA, he could put up signs to get remind himself, put some paint on the lock handle so it feels different, he could have managed this if he really struggled with forgetting and cared about stopping."
"He didn’t."
"He is ok with you being upset." ~ katherinemma987
OP came back to chat...
"I can confidently say he is not cheating or worried about me catching him watching porn or something."
"Plus, I already know he watches porn sometimes, so randomly deciding to hide it now wouldn’t make any sense."
"To everyone telling me to change the locks, this is an apartment that we rent. "
"We can’t just up and change the locks."
"His old place that we lived at before moving here had a similar situation with the locks."
"They were in the same location, and the top one could only be locked from the inside."
"There was one instance where he locked me out then, but never again after that (besides now obviously)."
"Think what you want, but I don’t think this is something worth throwing away an entire relationship for."
"He’s amazing in every other regard, and I’d feel beyond silly for breaking up with him for this."
"People in relationships are allowed to be frustrated with each other and not immediately call it quits. Damn."
"We’ve decided to cover it with a sticky note, so using that lock would have to be more intentional."
"He was fully on board with this idea, and there was no pushback."
"His explanation for it was that he doesn’t really look when he locks the door."
"He walks in, blindly reaches for the door, and grabs for the first lock he feels."
"They both sound the same, so he has no indication of which lock is locked."
"This explanation made me side eye him a bit, admittedly, but 🤷🏾♀️..."
It's great to hear that you and your man found a solution, OP.
Reddit was ready to rumble for you.
Hopefully, the post-it will help some. Frequent hotel stays would definitely add up fast.
Good Luck.
