It’s important to learn your future spouse’s opinions and ideas on things that will affect your future. People often mention religion and politics, but just under those are the subject of children.
Redditor orange_you_glad123 found out just before her wedding about her fiancé’s opinion of her kids and she called off the wedding over it. The original poster (OP) then questioned her decision.
To figure out if she was right or wrong, she decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about her situation.
OP felt she had to call off the wedding.
“AITA For Calling Off My Wedding Because My Fiancé Doesn’t Want My Kids There?”
But was it the right call?
“I (38F(emale)) was recently proposed to by my fiancé Carlos (40M(ale)). We have been planning our wedding for 4 months, and our big day was supposed to be in three weeks time. “
“Just over a week ago, I saw on our guest list that my kids, Madison (18F), my son Ethan (15M) and my youngest Isabella (10F) were not on the guest list.”
“I immediately confronted my soon to be husband, and he simply stated that it was a [no kids] wedding, which we had never talked about or agreed to.”
“As you can imagine I was annoyed and asked him what in the world he was talking about.”
“I had been under the impression that my kids were allowed to come, and that my ex-husband would be dropping them off.”
“I and he are close still, but understandably he isn’t coming to our wedding as we all agreed it would be awkward.”
“As it turned out everyone was aware of this, including my parents and bridesmaids.”
“They had all assumed I was the one who decided this, which explained why they had been acting rather distant from me lately, especially my sister, who was my maid of honor, who was salty that she couldn’t bring her kids.”
“He said he thought I knew, which was a reason I refused to accept.”
“I asked him why he wanted no kids, and he explained to me that kids are apparently annoying, and he didn’t think they would be comfortable at the after-party, where there would be a lot of drinking, even though I don’t even drink.”
“I explained to him, slowly, that my eldest was an adult, who is legally able to drink, so she’d be fine, and that my youngest two were only coming to the lunch, not the dinner.”
“He then complained that they were immature still and that he wanted to feel comfortable with me without ‘judgement from my kids.’”
What did the children think about all of this?
“I went to speak to my kids, and when they heard my fiancé didn’t want them to come, they got very upset, especially Maddie.”
“She claimed that since she wasn’t even a child she should be allowed to come, and at the lunch it’s not like my husband and I are going to be expected to look after them, which is what she could be doing if it would allow them to come.”
“I ended up saying all this to my husband, but still he wanted no kids, there, and even went as far as to say that if it were up to him there would be no kids in our relationship.”
“I was so confused.”
“I knew he didn’t exactly have a bond with the kids, but not even wanting them was a step over the line for me.”
“We got into a large argument, and he said our marriage wasn’t about my kids, but our shared love for each other, and if I couldn’t see that then I wasn’t being reasonable, and should rethink my actions towards him.”
“In frustration, I told him that my kids are more important to me than he would ever be, and that if they weren’t there, I wouldn’t be either. He said fine, so I yelled at him the wedding was off.”
“His family is annoyed at me as they flew all the way over to see this wedding, and most people are calling me selfish and an a**hole.”
“Am I the a**hole in this situation?”
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP’s choices, both about the wedding and fiancé, by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
It was easy for the board to agree that OP was NTA for canceling the wedding.
Her kids are an important part of her life, and if her future husband couldn’t get behind that, then he shouldn’t be her husband.
OP has nothing to be ashamed of.
“People who don’t want kids should not date or marry people with kids. You did the right thing, the guy is a massive AH.”
“You don’t have to marry a lying butt just because someone already flew to see the wedding three weeks before the actual wedding.” – tatasz
“Seriously, dude let slip ‘If it were up to him there would be no kids in our relationship.’… yeah, you get your wish buddy. No more kids… because no more relationship.”
“I’m baffled how things got this far before OP discovered this, but now that she has, it’s time to run, not walk, away.” – Dexion1619
“Everything is wrong about what he did. Not only did he lie, but he also make it look like it was your decision.”
“I get him no wanting kids but he’s in a relationship with someone who has kids and he can’t just erase them.”
“I hope that you calling off the wedding means also you breaking up because it’s not fair for your kids to be living with someone who despises them that much.” – Primary-Criticism929
“NTA He’s entering into a marriage with someone with kids. Does he think they’re just going to disappear once you’re married? “
“He’s clearly demonstrating exactly what he thinks of your kids (negatively) and if that’s something you dislike (which it should be IMO) then you’re perfectly within reason to call it off.”
“Even ignoring that, he’s basically gaslighting you by saying he thought you already knew.”
“Ignore those people, or if they have kids, ask them how they’d feel if their kids couldn’t come to their own wedding.” – Inspector-birdie
However, other commenters were concerned about OP’s relationship before this incident.
While it’s great to learn the truth before she marries him, how did OP not talk with her future husband about her children in the first place?
This should have been a conversation long before discussing marriage.
“He has isolated you so well that you didn’t knew that YOUR OWN WEDDING was child free. And your own family didn’t think to even talk to you assuming he is speaking for both of you.”
“He really doesn’t want children there & has made his opinion about their relevance in his relationship with you very clear.”
“Girl RUN. Very far & fast. This man is not just raising but waving Red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩.”
“NTA” – IshaDragonheart010
“NTA for your stance on the wedding, but ESH for overlooking that this guy ‘didn’t exactly have a bond’ with your kids before jumping to marriage.”
“For the 18 year old and to some extent the 15 year old, they’re old enough that I could understand not wanting to demand a fatherly relationship, especially while their dad is still in the picture.”
“But for the 10 year old? She’s still little and a father figure should have been vetted more carefully.”
“Be glad this guy showed his true colors before you were fully locked in.” – crockofpot
“NTA for not marrying him.”
“But there has got to be some epic failures of communication everywhere for this to happen. You planned this wedding and never talked about the kids having a role?”
“Even general conversations like ‘Madison, Isabella, and I are going shopping today. They are so excited to buy dresses for the wedding.’”
“Never looked at invitations? Did the invite explicitly say ‘child free’? Or were no one’s kids’ names on the invites.”
“Because I feel like I’ve seen so many posts here of misunderstandings where just the parents names are on the invite, I’m surprised your sister or anyone didn’t ask for clarification if it was the latter.”
“Have you talked about your kids in general for your future? If he doesn’t even want them at the wedding, I can’t imagine he’ll be that supportive of them elsewhere.”
“Financial support, going to extracurriculars, vacations, etc. Would he spend your entire future trying to fight to do the absolute bare legal minimum and try to convince you to go on vacations or date nights or whatever and not spend any time with your kids?”
“Definitely making the right decision not marrying this guy. But I’d take a long long, and have a conversation with your kids, about what the time you’ve been dating him looked like.” – Usrname52
“NTA—you would be the AH if you do marry him. What kind of messed up life, do you have to have for you to put a man in front of your babies?”
“There is no excuse he could have come up with on why your kids shouldn’t be there as it is a momentous occasion for YOU. Your kids are number one as they will always have your back when sh*t hits the fan.”
“Will he? Doubtful as he has just shown his true colours by excluding your kids.” – Ksire05
“NTA. You are under no obligation to marry your fiancé just because of other people’s opinions on this matter. This is a personal matter in your immediate family.”
“While I always say both the bride and groom have equal say in the wedding planning it sounds as though he’s making a lot of decisions for himself and not considering your feelings or thoughts at all.”
“I think you definitely need this time to reflect on what your marriage to this man will be like in future as well.”
“I personally don’t know if I could forgive a partner of mine openly pushing my children away from me and causing issues for my entire family.” – mcmimi83
“NTA It is so refreshing to find someone who is willing to be a responsible parent. Good for you!!!!!”
“Your children deserve to live in a home where they feel welcome and valued. Carlos has told you quite clearly that they will be neither in any home with him.”
“You dodged a bullet here.”
“His family can kick rocks. If anyone doesn’t see that you MUST protect your children, they can kick rocks too.” – Pretend_Green9127
“NTA. If your partner doesn’t want your kids, this will ALWAYS be a problem! I know a few women who never wanted to have children who have long term relationships or marriages with men who have children.”
“They love their partner’s children and include them in family gatherings. It would blow your guy’s mind to know that some people include ex’s and their spouses in their lives especially for kid centered celebrations.”
“I am sorry you chose a bad egg. Thinking of Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka.”
“Dump him! Hopefully on incinerator day.” – iammeallthetime
“NTA. Be grateful you found all this out before you married him. There are red flags everywhere here.”
“Why weren’t you more involved with your own wedding? Why did Carlos feel like he had the right to make a decision for you, about your family, without even consulting you?”
“Your kids should be more important to you than he would ever be. Good for you for saying that.”
“Don’t marry him.” – Abject_Researcher_12
It sounds like OP made the right call at the last minute, but there’s more about her dating style that should probably be questioned.
If she wants to make sure her future spouse likes her kids, she should also check in with her kids about her future spouse.
And if her family seems upset about wedding planning, maybe a quick question as to why would have cleared this up sooner.