As much as people may love to see extended family, when they visit, it usually turns life upside down.
The everyday routine is shattered.
When family visits for long stretches, life can become arduous to navigate.
There is no easy way to tell family they have a time limit to stay.
That can cause a lot of hurt feelings.
Redditor SuggestionAny3744 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not wanting my mother-in-law and disabled brother-in-law to stay with us for 3 months every summer?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] lives in another country and is planning to stay with us for about 3 months this summer."
"My B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] (10 years older), who has been a wheelchair user since an accident 10 years ago, is also coming."
"I want to be clear that I don’t dislike my BIL because of his disability. "
"We don’t have much in common and have never really bonded."
"He stopped working as well after his accident."
"I actually get along well with my MIL."
"The issue is that our house is not wheelchair accessible."
"Since my BIL can’t easily get upstairs, we have to turn our main living room into his bedroom for the entire visit."
"That means losing our primary shared space for 3 months."
"No movie nights in the living room, no relaxing on the couch after work, and generally having much less privacy."
"We also don’t have a downstairs shower, so whenever he visits, we have to make alternative arrangements so he can shower somewhere accessible."
"The last time they stayed, I found it exhausting."
"The house felt crowded and messy, and I really missed having my own space and routine."
"I haven’t lived with extended family in a long time, and I’ve realized how much I value having a quiet home."
"What makes this more complicated is that before my wife and I bought our house, she and her brother weren’t particularly close."
"Because of that, we never expected him to visit for extended periods."
"Now it seems the expectation is that both my MIL and BIL will come every summer for around 3 months so they can spend time with my wife and escape the extreme heat where they live."
"I understand why they want to come."
"My MIL is getting older, and my BIL’s disability limits his options."
"But if this becomes a yearly tradition, that’s a quarter of every year where we lose a significant amount of privacy and use of our own home."
"I haven’t told them not to come."
"I’ve only told my wife that I’m uncomfortable with the length of the stay and the idea of this becoming an annual expectation."
"My wife thinks I’m focusing too much on the inconvenience."
"I think it’s reasonable to want boundaries, even with family."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA. This is an extremely long time for any guest to visit, even if they had a dedicated private space."
"I think a couple of weeks is reasonable."
"If your wife wants more visitation time, perhaps she can visit them in their country." ~ Psychological-Work85
"Benjamin Franklin famously said, or rather he wrote in Poor Richard’s Almanac: 'Fish & visitors stink after 3 days.'”
"Not a new problem, NTA." ~ Individual_Note_8756
"Yeah, three months is too much."
"This is more than just an inconvenience."
"It's about your space, privacy, and boundaries getting violated."
"Maybe as a compromise, you could find a rental place for them to stay?"
"The fact that they're staying in your place for three months is the reason why the visits are so long." ~ IceSeeker
"Yep, NTA."
"A couple of weeks suggestion is the right in my opinion."
"Three months is a quarter of the year, and losing the main living space plus privacy for a 3-month duration every single year is a significant ask." "
"Unreasonable."
"Those are reasonable things to have a conversation about with your wife, and the suggestion that she could visit them in THEIR country is a genuinely good one." ~ Bogumil_Jakubik
"NTA. Having family stay with me three months out of the year every year would be a HUGE discussion even if the house WAS set up for everyone's needs and had plenty of room."
"This is something you and your wife should be deciding together, regardless of what your in-laws want, and it definitely feels like one of those 'two yes, one no' decisions." ~ TolkienTeacher40
"NTA. What plans are being made for BIL once MIL can no longer care for him?"
"Unless you want to have these summers be your new life, you need to have that conversation with your wife NOW."
"Three months?"
"Wow." ~ leftfootshorter
"NTA, but you DO realize where this is going, right?"
"WHERE do you think BIL is gonna be staying once your MIL can’t take care of him anymore?"
"His taking over your living room for three months every year is just them training ya’ll to get used to accommodating BIL in the near future."
"It’s your home too, and you should get a say in it."
"Tell your wife they can stay for three weeks if they want, but not the whole three months, and if she doesn’t like it, tell her then you will be getting your own place if this continues." ~ _A-Q
"Personally, I think NTA, because if I were in your shoes, I would’ve flipped out the first time they came."
"A week would be manageable, but 3 months???"
"You guys should’ve at least been allowed to go on holiday for most of it, or they should’ve rented elsewhere."
"It’s your home, your space, and they’re not your relatives."
"Wife needs to also consider your feelings, because this is a shared home between the two of you, not her family’s home." ~ bananacatpie
"You have a wife problem."
"She doesn’t care about your needs or feelings."
"She is still trying to be that good daughter."
"You need to remind her she is a wife now, a partner with whom you make decisions together."
"NTA, 2 days is too long for me, 3 months is pure torture." ~ Ok-meow
"NTA. Three months out of every year is too long to go without a living room."
"You should look at the other spaces in the house and see if you can repurpose one of the rooms upstairs into the new living room, since your current living room is a guest room".
"If this isn’t an option, then you probably should discuss extended stay hotels or Airbnbs for the relatives." ~ robjohnlechmere
"NTA. You don't hate them."
"It's a massive amount of time."
"It's a massive disruption."
"You aren't set up to accommodate."
"3 months are a LOT for anyone!"
"Even if you love someone... it's too much."
"It's wonderful if you can do this and want to... but you aren't an a**hole for struggling to make it work a full season out of the year... and needing things to change."
"A disabled friendly long term motel, a long-term Airbnb, a shorter visit... etc."
"There has to be a creative workaround." ~ YoshiandAims
"3 months is a REALLY long time."
"They should be helping with utilities at this point if it's an annual thing. NTA."
"Marriage is all about compromising."
"If it's something you can get past, maybe suggest to your wife that you get a bigger house." ~ Needs_ADD_Meds
"NTA. But another conversation you should have with your wife is if these 3-month visits are the warm-up for BIL eventually moving in permanently."
"If this is something that your wife would feel obligated to take on, you really should start looking at moving to a house that would be more accessible to your BIL." ~ MouseDriverYYC
"NTA... three months is waaaaay too long for any guest, and they really should be finding an accessible rental for that time."
"I can't imagine having to travel elsewhere to shower."
"For three months." ~ Jerseygirl2468
"NTA, my family has done this to other members when they travel across continents and stay for 3 months (kinda a cultural thing), and it turned out to be miserable for both parties eventually."
"This is actually a LOT of work for you two, especially if you're working full time."
"Catering to 2 more people’s needs, food, and schedules for such a long time is a lot. It also precludes you from any vacation/time off with your wife."
"Plus, it’s also not nice for your BIL to go without a proper shower and bedroom for 3 months."
"I’m sorry that your wife isn’t being the most understanding of this right now - I see her side too - after all, it’s her own mum and brother. "
"But you are totally NTA, and your position is very reasonable." ~ MintChocoDreamer
"NTA - Also, a thing most people might not consider, which you might need to mentally prepare yourself for, is that MIL might soon start to mention 'alternative housing' for your BIL due to her age."
"AKA your home."
"I’m not saying that IS what’s going to happen, I’m just saying that if it ever came up, I have a feeling your wife might push for this arrangement despite your concerns."
"Just mentioning it."
"You might need to have a more serious talk with your wife before your MIL becomes unable to care for him." ~ Nannamuss
"NTA. I couldn’t handle this at all."
"And shame on everyone else for deciding without you that buying the house means they’d move in for a quarter of every year." ~ Roofantastic22
"NTA, anyone expecting to stay in my house for 3 months every year would be a no."
"WTF?"
"That level of entitlement is wild." ~ mck-_-
This is a difficult situation, OP.
Reddit is with you.
Three months is a long amount of time.
It may be time for a very serious chat with your wife, maybe with a third party involved.
