A gay man who was grieving over the death of his long-term relationship with his boyfriend due to a terminal illness is grappling with an issue over the ownership of the home they shared.
When the late boyfriend’s family came back into the picture with a request that didn’t sit right with him, our narrator responded in a way that complicated things and made him second-guess himself.
So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment on a hypothetical “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) scenario.
There, Redditor DearFerret9268 asked:
“WIBTA if I don’t give my late bf’s house to his parents?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
My BF (30 M[ale], RIP) and I (33 M[ale]) were together for 15yrs. I was his Senior in high school, and we stayed together until a few months ago when he passed away due to bone cancer.”
“I live in a traditional country where same-sex marriage is not legal but is not a big issue socially. His parents kicked him out when he came out as gay at 17, my family took him in, helped him to finish HS and were supportive the most they could.”
The OP explained more about the background of his dilemma.
“I work in HR and he worked in IT, since he started to work he made good money. He saved enough to purchase a house 10yrs ago, he was paying the mortgage all by himself. 4yrs ago he got the diagnosis. He reduced his working hours to take care of his health and I stepped in to pay the mortgage.”
“It was a hard battle, but cancer took him back in March. After he passed away, his family appeared in the picture, saying how they regretted not being in his son’s life and stuff. Time went by and a month ago they reached out to me asking me when they can expect I could give them the keys of the house. Since same-sex marriage is not legal, they ‘could’ claim the house as their family.”
“I told them that the house was in my name, I ‘bought’ it from him a year into the cancer, so it was legally mine and I had been paying the mortgage way before it. They got upset and said I was being unreasonable, that it should be legally theirs, that my BF would have wanted to give them the house, which is in fact true, my bf talked a lot how he would give everything to them if that would fix the relationship between them.”
“Actually, he bought the house as a way to bring them live with him so they would no longer rent; he also tried to make amends with them all this time, unsuccessfully.”
The OP continued:
“I told them that I would give them the house for the price I bought it from my BF and they would have to pay me back these 4 years of mortgage + take the debt over their name. They said they didn’t have the money and that it was so selfish of me to tell them that, knowing what my BF would have wanted.”
“They proposed just to change the debt onto their name and give me no money in return, I declined. They got mad and the discussion got heated to the point they told me they would bring me to court accusing me of scamming my BF to have the house (they can’t).”
“They have been calling and texting me non-stop for the past month, telling me I would be an a**hole to my bf if I don’t give them the house. I know they can’t pay me back all the money I put in the house, but I’m conflicted right now.”
“Some friends told me that I should give them the house and move on with my life, but it just doesn’t feel right to me. I’m leaning more onto not giving them the house, but I know my BF would jump the bed and give it to them.”
“Right now their words feels empty and as if they just want to take advantage of the situation. I don’t need the house, to be honest, but don’t want to give them either.”
“We never talked with my bf what should I do with the house after his death, so WIBTA if I don’t give them the house?”
In a series of updates, the OP wrote:
“Thank you, thank you all for your kind words. I cried a lot with most of the comments. Sorry If I can’t keep the pace and reply to everyone, just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.”
“This blown up in ways I didn’t even think about. Thank you all for your kind words. Just to add some info that looks like is needed for some of you: I live in a country in Central America, for safety reason will not give the name. Here is not illegal being LGBTQ+, but same sex marriage is just not legal, nothing more.”
“We didn’t live in the house, we lived at my apartment, that’s why I don’t need the house, but I just don’t feel right to giving it to his parents. Also, almost all his money went to pay medical bills, he didn’t want me to put my money on it (which obviously I would have) and buying the house was the best idea we came out with to satisfy the both of us.”
“The house is not a big one (6mts x 10mts) and also is in the suburbs, is not worth the same as in other countries, around USD$90k or a little more.”
“He was such a kind heart, so I’m pretty sure that even if it was a lie, he would have given them the house the moment they acknowledge him as gay and tell him they loved him.”
“That’s the reason why I’m having a hard time considering this. I can’t answer all your comments, but I’m trying to read you all. Thank you for your support.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
‘my bf talked a lot how he would give everything to them if that would fix the relationship between them.’
“NTA. He would have given them the house in his life because he missed them that much. They refused to have anything to do with him, even when he was dying. If you give them the house now, then they benefit from him even though they rejected him when alive.”
“You keep the house, because you’re the one who loved your boyfriend. You owe his terrible family, who kicked him out at 17, nothing.” – ThingsWithString
“I wouldn’t block them, just mute the text messages from that person, you wouldn’t believe the sh*t people text and it’s better to have a record of conversations than not have anything.” – mrbeefynuts
“I agree. OP, firstly I’m sorry for your loss. Don’t get into any further conversation with your BF parents. Just ignore them. If they think the are entitled to what is your house and your home let them take legal action.”
“If they can’t afford this that is their problem not yours. Leave any texts etc you get from them as unread. Screenshot them and email them to yourself as a backup in case anything happens to your phone.” – Wooden_Opportunity65
“NTA. You owe them nothing. Your partner sold you the house knowing how ill he was. He wanted you to have a stable place to live. While he was alive, he wanted to give anything to have a relationship with them–but that was never tested as they did not want a relationship with him.”
“All those years he could have but DID NOT give them everything when there was no relationship. He would not want you to give them the house you shared as there was a relationship with you but not his family.”
“You are in grief. Do not let them convince you of something you do not want to do. It will not honor your spouse to give up what he made sure you would have, especially since they only want to claim property after his death-but made no claim to him while he was alive.”
“OP, keep your home. They are not family to you or to him. It is too late for a relationship between him and his family-giving them the home will not make that relationship exist.”
“Condolences on your loss. May memories of him bring you comfort.” – toomanyschnauzers
“I’d be reconsidering your friendships with those that suggested you should just hand over the house. That’s some wild thinking.” – Canadaian1546
“Giving them the house won’t fix the relationship between your partner and his parents. He’s not around for them to fix anything.” – MarbleousMel
Overall, Redditors were sympathetic to his loss and suggested he keep the house rather than hand over the keys to his family, who hasn’t been much of a presence in his life.