A gay man who was grieving over the death of his long-term relationship with his boyfriend due to a terminal illness is grappling with an issue over the ownership of the home they shared.
When the late boyfriend's family came back into the picture with a request that didn't sit right with him, our narrator responded in a way that complicated things and made him second-guess himself.
So he turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment on a hypothetical "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA) scenario.
There, Redditor DearFerret9268 asked:
"WIBTA if I don't give my late bf's house to his parents?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
My BF (30 M[ale], RIP) and I (33 M[ale]) were together for 15yrs. I was his Senior in high school, and we stayed together until a few months ago when he passed away due to bone cancer."
"I live in a traditional country where same-sex marriage is not legal but is not a big issue socially. His parents kicked him out when he came out as gay at 17, my family took him in, helped him to finish HS and were supportive the most they could."
The OP explained more about the background of his dilemma.
"I work in HR and he worked in IT, since he started to work he made good money. He saved enough to purchase a house 10yrs ago, he was paying the mortgage all by himself. 4yrs ago he got the diagnosis. He reduced his working hours to take care of his health and I stepped in to pay the mortgage."
"It was a hard battle, but cancer took him back in March. After he passed away, his family appeared in the picture, saying how they regretted not being in his son's life and stuff. Time went by and a month ago they reached out to me asking me when they can expect I could give them the keys of the house. Since same-sex marriage is not legal, they 'could' claim the house as their family."
"I told them that the house was in my name, I 'bought' it from him a year into the cancer, so it was legally mine and I had been paying the mortgage way before it. They got upset and said I was being unreasonable, that it should be legally theirs, that my BF would have wanted to give them the house, which is in fact true, my bf talked a lot how he would give everything to them if that would fix the relationship between them."
"Actually, he bought the house as a way to bring them live with him so they would no longer rent; he also tried to make amends with them all this time, unsuccessfully."
The OP continued:
"I told them that I would give them the house for the price I bought it from my BF and they would have to pay me back these 4 years of mortgage + take the debt over their name. They said they didn't have the money and that it was so selfish of me to tell them that, knowing what my BF would have wanted."
"They proposed just to change the debt onto their name and give me no money in return, I declined. They got mad and the discussion got heated to the point they told me they would bring me to court accusing me of scamming my BF to have the house (they can't)."
"They have been calling and texting me non-stop for the past month, telling me I would be an a**hole to my bf if I don't give them the house. I know they can't pay me back all the money I put in the house, but I'm conflicted right now."
"Some friends told me that I should give them the house and move on with my life, but it just doesn't feel right to me. I'm leaning more onto not giving them the house, but I know my BF would jump the bed and give it to them."
"Right now their words feels empty and as if they just want to take advantage of the situation. I don't need the house, to be honest, but don't want to give them either."
"We never talked with my bf what should I do with the house after his death, so WIBTA if I don't give them the house?"
In a series of updates, the OP wrote:
"Thank you, thank you all for your kind words. I cried a lot with most of the comments. Sorry If I can't keep the pace and reply to everyone, just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart."
"This blown up in ways I didn't even think about. Thank you all for your kind words. Just to add some info that looks like is needed for some of you: I live in a country in Central America, for safety reason will not give the name. Here is not illegal being LGBTQ+, but same sex marriage is just not legal, nothing more."
"We didn't live in the house, we lived at my apartment, that's why I don't need the house, but I just don't feel right to giving it to his parents. Also, almost all his money went to pay medical bills, he didn't want me to put my money on it (which obviously I would have) and buying the house was the best idea we came out with to satisfy the both of us."
"The house is not a big one (6mts x 10mts) and also is in the suburbs, is not worth the same as in other countries, around USD$90k or a little more."
"He was such a kind heart, so I'm pretty sure that even if it was a lie, he would have given them the house the moment they acknowledge him as gay and tell him they loved him."
"That's the reason why I'm having a hard time considering this. I can't answer all your comments, but I'm trying to read you all. Thank you for your support."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
'my bf talked a lot how he would give everything to them if that would fix the relationship between them.'
"NTA. He would have given them the house in his life because he missed them that much. They refused to have anything to do with him, even when he was dying. If you give them the house now, then they benefit from him even though they rejected him when alive."
"You keep the house, because you're the one who loved your boyfriend. You owe his terrible family, who kicked him out at 17, nothing." – ThingsWithString
"I wouldn't block them, just mute the text messages from that person, you wouldn't believe the sh*t people text and it's better to have a record of conversations than not have anything." – mrbeefynuts
"I agree. OP, firstly I'm sorry for your loss. Don't get into any further conversation with your BF parents. Just ignore them. If they think the are entitled to what is your house and your home let them take legal action."
"If they can't afford this that is their problem not yours. Leave any texts etc you get from them as unread. Screenshot them and email them to yourself as a backup in case anything happens to your phone." – Wooden_Opportunity65
"NTA. You owe them nothing. Your partner sold you the house knowing how ill he was. He wanted you to have a stable place to live. While he was alive, he wanted to give anything to have a relationship with them--but that was never tested as they did not want a relationship with him."
"All those years he could have but DID NOT give them everything when there was no relationship. He would not want you to give them the house you shared as there was a relationship with you but not his family."
"You are in grief. Do not let them convince you of something you do not want to do. It will not honor your spouse to give up what he made sure you would have, especially since they only want to claim property after his death-but made no claim to him while he was alive."
"OP, keep your home. They are not family to you or to him. It is too late for a relationship between him and his family-giving them the home will not make that relationship exist."
"Condolences on your loss. May memories of him bring you comfort." – toomanyschnauzers
"I'd be reconsidering your friendships with those that suggested you should just hand over the house. That's some wild thinking." – Canadaian1546
"Giving them the house won't fix the relationship between your partner and his parents. He's not around for them to fix anything." – MarbleousMel
Overall, Redditors were sympathetic to his loss and suggested he keep the house rather than hand over the keys to his family, who hasn't been much of a presence in his life.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.