There's something to be said about people maintaining at least a little money that is only theirs, especially in case there's an emergency, but when it comes to married couples, most will say, "What is mine is ours, and what is yours is ours."
But sometimes even within a marriage, a spouse will clearly have a "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine" mentality, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Ok-Arrival-2886 had been with their girlfriend for the past five years and recently became engaged to her. To celebrate, her family threw them an engagement party and gave them gifts, much of which was money for their future.
But when the future bride withheld all of the money, saying that it was hers because it came from her family, the Original Poster (OP) questioned what the rest of their future was going to be like, if she was this entitled before walking down the aisle.
They asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for expecting the engagement gifts to be for both of us?"
The OP and their future wife celebrated their engagement with the bride's family.
"I’ve recently gotten engaged and have been with my partner for five years."
"Her family threw us an engagement party this weekend, and when we got home and opened some of the cards, there was money in most of them."
"I mentioned it was generous of her family to give us so much, and my girlfriend said it was her money."
"I pointed out that if both of our names were on the cards, then the money should be going towards the wedding or things for both of us."
The couple could not reach an agreement about the money they were gifted.
"She mentioned that it was her family that gave us the money, so the money is hers, but I disagreed."
"I said the engagement party was for both of us, and so were the cards and any gifts we e received."
"I pointed out that it was selfish of her to expect everything to just be for her."
The OP felt increasingly conflicted about how their future wife was behaving.
"She said I was trying to take advantage of her family’s generosity, but I pointed out that’s exactly what she was doing by keeping everything for herself."
"She just repeated that the gifts were from her family, so they should be for her."
"Am I wrong for expecting the gifts to be for both of us?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that the money absolutely must have been meant for both people.
"NTA. She doesn't know what marriage is. It's fine for couples to maintain some separate finances, but 'all mine' is not just selfish, it's actually really weird in terms of wedding gifts. So weird, I've never heard it before." - RoseCutGarnets
"NTA, but you were indeed given a gift that night. The gift of seeing your fiancée’s true character BEFORE you are legally bound to her. She is selfish and greedy. Save yourself and do not walk down the aisle unless you want a lifetime of this." - Lewes2024
"When people show you who they are, believe them. Pause and reflect."
"It is indeed a gift to see these things before getting married. I hope they realize this isn’t a one-off event. Anything her family gives them will be hers for the whole of the marriage."
"Such greedy and unattractive behavior. Breaking off an engagement sucks, but you know what’s worse? Divorce." - Squiffy_squid
"NTA. The right thing to do is first make a huge announcement along the lines of, 'The engagement is unfortunately over. If you were generous enough to give us a gift at our recent engagement party, Fiancée is holding the funds and handling all returns.'" - JeepersCreepers74
"NTA: the money and gifts are for the couple. Both your names are on the card. You should be using it for joint things for the house or the wedding, etc."
"Her birthday money is for her, as her name only would be on the card."
"I'd be interested to know her attitude when your family gifts you gifts." - Unfair_Rhubarb_13
Others were alarmed over how controlling the OP's partner was with money.
"This is so, so weird. It's not like her mom gave her money as a birthday present. This was specifically money from an engagement. No reasonable person would ever think that money was just for them in that scenario."
"Would she feel the same if the roles were reversed? Probably not. NTA." - spinningmous
"So many questions! Is she an only child? Was she incredibly spoiled? Emotionally immature? Is she already planning to leave OP and wants to secure the funds?"
"Is there a darkest reality-show-level timeline where OP has a bouquet of secret addictions, and she knows he'd spend all the money within an hour on blow, prostitutes, rare smurfs, and online predictions of the apocalypse? Should I set aside some money to subscribe to the greatest soap opera series of all time?" - RoseCutGarnets
"Major red flags. She’s not thinking as a team; she’s already thinking about what she gets out of it."
"Most likely will be a 'my money is my money and our money is my money' type of person. OP needs to have a serious financial discussion with her, probably with a financial planner involved, before he goes forward, if he wants to go forward at all." - LordFluffyPotato
"I'd be interested in knowing what her family thinks about her money grab. Does she not realize she would not have gotten this money if OP weren't involved? Unless the family has some wildly different standards than the rest of society, I guarantee the people who gave the money intended it for both of them."
"OP, I agree with the others that this is a giant red flag. How does she treat your income and hers? Is this a case of what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours? Money and sex are the two biggest issues in divorces."
"If she's hoarding it now, it doesn't bode well for your future. Maybe a marriage counselor could mediate this, but unless there are children or jointly owned property involved, if you decide you don't want to deal with her selfishness, now is a great time to break it off, before plans are made and deposits put down." - Glittering_Win_9677
"To me, the red flag is more the fact that this suggests they haven't had proper discussions about issues that can create disagreement in couples. If this behavior is a surprise, it suggests they haven't talked in detail about how they plan to handle finances."
"This suggests a lack of maturity on the part of OP. Maybe they have red flags of their own. They should at least give the fiancée a chance by having a proper conversation about: Finances, Children, Religion (if relevant), Family and Boundaries (especially with children), and Life Goals and Future Plans."
"If the OP and their fiancée find they each have room to grow, they can grow together. But if the fiancée is unwilling to change and continues acting like a child, it's a red flag, and parting ways is best." - Ra_In
Some agreed and said this is something they would cancel an engagement over.
"Yikes. NTA. Time to cancel the engagement." - Creative-Aside9650
"She's like, 'What's yours is ours, but what's ours is mine.' This is a sign that you shouldn't ignore. It's not going to get any better. She made it clear that she doesn't share." - OrganizationTop6228
"The fiancée sounds like a particularly immature and ungracious fourteen-year-old. Fourteen-year-olds should not get married. NTA." - HoundstoothReader
"NTA, but please don’t get married or even plan your wedding yet. You need to resolve your financial differences."
"In fact, I’d actually consider breaking off the engagement altogether. Any money my husband or I get, like his bonus from work, a check made out to one of us, whatever, is all ours. For us, there is no his vs hers." - twelvedayslate
"OP, are you sure you want to marry this girl? She's already showing you how she is with money; she's greedy."
"NTA, you are absolutely right, it is both of your money. You both would not be receiving this money if it were not for the engagement to you."
"I'm not kidding, I'd seriously think about whether or not I'd want to spend my life fighting with this greedy girl over money."
"I bet she's going to always believe what's yours is hers, and what's hers is hers. There is never going to be an ours or yours."
"Soooo many red flags." - PartyCustard3125
"OP can ask her if she'd be willing to have another get-together with her family, so they both can ask who the money is for specifically."
"When she refuses, ask her why she is so embarrassed to have an opportunity to thank her family for the generous gift and to settle a dispute by clarifying who they think the gift is for?"
"I've never given advice over one post before. But OP, run! She doesn't see you as a partner."
"Don't buy that ring until you have 20 instances where she puts your feelings and needs as a priority!"
"Major red flag, like she wasn't even reasonable about it, like let's use it to buy things we both want. No, she was like, this is mine. NTA." - Twistedpath_
Money can be a really tough and emotional subject for some couples, which is what makes it a leading cause of relationship trouble and even divorce down the line.
It was important for the OP to sort this out with their partner now and see if a future with her was even possible, because if she was going to be this controlling and withholding now about an event that was supposed to be about their union, there was no telling what she would do in the future.
