The tradition of having a wedding party dates back to Ancient Rome when Roman law required ten witnesses for a marriage. Bridesmaids and groomsmen of the time originally dressed exactly like the bride and groom to confuse any vengeful spirits and jealous rivals targeting the couple.
Since then, the tradition has endured but the dress code has changed drastically for the bride's side of the wedding party. While the groom and groomsmen are usually similarly attired in suits or tuxedos, bridesmaids are more or less forbidden to dress like the bride.
But with the multitude of options in women's clothing, getting a single look for all the bridesmaids can be a real hassle. Some modern wedding guides suggest the bride just pick a color and let the bridesmaids pick their own dresses.
A bride who thought she solved her bridesmaid dresses nightmare turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Consistent-Alps1100 asked:
"AITA for telling my sister-in-law she can wear the dress or get out of the wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I am getting married in a few months and bridesmaid dress shopping has been a nightmare. Everyone is different body types and has different ideas what they want to wear.
"The main issue is my sister-in-law ( Jen). The issue with Jen is she is super insecure about her weight because she is fat. This has made dress shopping a nightmare."
"We have gone to multiple stores and I even tried to do those dresses that can be styled multiple ways. She claims the color washed her out."
"The main reasons she is a bridesmaid is becuase she is the only younger woman on my future husband's side and everyone else in his family had a role and it seemed rude to not include her. For example, his two brothers are groomsmen, his neice is the flower girl, and nephew is the ring bearer, his mom/dad are doing a speech, and I am close to his other sister, so she is a bridesmaid."
"I recently did a poll asking my bridesmaids if they want me to pay for the dresses and then they have no say, or they can buy their own dress that is blue. Everyone chose to have me pay for the dresses. That includes Jen."
"I picked a long blue dress that is off the shoulder. I got a call fromJen and she didn’t like the dress. She told me it draws too much attention to her arms. She asked me to pick another one and I told her no because that's not what everyone, including her, agreed to."
"We got into an argument and I told her she will wear the dress I chose or she is out of the wedding. I also pointed out she picked the option of not paying. She called me a jerk and my mother-in-law is on my a** about it."
"This isn’t about her being fat. There are two other bridesmaids her size or heavier, but they aren’t causing me issues with the dress."
"It's about her being a pain in the a** about wearing a dress for one night after going to multiple shops and literally being given so many options before my poll. Then she agrees it's completely my choice so she doesn't need to pay for the dress and I still get a damn call about the dress."
"I am happy to say my future husband is backing me up on this."
"It just happened at a bad time since he's traveling at the moment. They apparently won’t pick up his calls or respond to his texts."
"Him and his mother have a strained relationship to begin with."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I told her she can wear the dress I picked or get out of the wedding. I may be too harsh about this which makes me a jerk."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Your fiancé's job is to tell his mommy to get off your a**, and to tell his sister to wear the dress or sit this out. It's your wedding, not SIL or MIL. However they get away with treating you on this is how they'll expect to proceed in the future, so HE needs to shut that down." ~ Electronic_Wait_7500
"Them ignoring his calls and texts tells me they know it's not okay to do what they're doing. They're only doing it because your fiancé isn't there in person to put a stop to it. Ignore them and let him deal with it when he gets home." ~ f*ckifiknow1013
"Tell your MIL and your SIL this is you and your fiancé's wedding, and the fact she is making it about her comfort when she picked this option is unacceptable."
"Tell her you aren't spending any more time on this topic because no one else in the bridal party got special dispensation and you aren't going to complicate it further by starting now." ~ Grimwohl
"In-laws excessively on your a** and/or bossing you around is a problem the person related to them needs to work on/shut down."
"Also, have your fiancé tell your future MIL she is welcome to pay for all new dresses for all of the bridesmaids, because that is what her daughter and everyone else wanted, if she wants to have an opinion on said dresses."
"Otherwise, she needs to teach her daughter about integrity. She agreed to a solution and now expects you to betray your agreement with everyone else because of her insecurities." ~ ChickenCasagrande
"This is a massive boundary test for the entire marriage. If the fiancé doesn't step up right now and tell his mom and sis to back off, OP is going to be dealing with this exact same dynamic for every major life event for the next 30 years or however long the marriage lasts." ~ forgotwhatiwas26
"NTA. 'No good deed goes unpunished'. You are not close, but you were kind to include her. Now your kindness is being repaid with drama and stress."
"Your fiancé needs to speak to his sister and his mother and leave you out of it because you already solved this problem fairly and amicably. Fiancé needs to tell them, 'Jen, you either wear the dress that OP has chosen or you are not a bridesmaid'. 'Mom, stay out this and do not start conflict with OP'."
"It should be your vision for the bridal party. If your future SIL has a problem with it, she can drop out and attend as a guest." ~ Ok_Tonight_3703
"Fiancé can tell his mother and sister, 'You and all the other bridesmaids agreed to OP choosing and paying for the dresses. This is the dress that has been chosen. This is the dress that ALL the bridesmaids will be wearing. If you are so unhappy with the dress that you do not want to wear it, then we will respect your choice to withdraw from the wedding party to attend as a guest'."
"If they continue to push: 'This is the dress that has been chosen for all the bridesmaids to wear. We won’t be giving sister her own different dress or changing the dress for the entire bridal party. Her choice is to wear the dress chosen as a bridesmaid or choose another dress to wear as just a guest. End of discussion. Don't bother us with this again'." ~ ImColdandImTired
"Also, give a deadline or the argument will drag out, 'Let us know by this Friday if you'll still be in the wedding party wearing this dress; if we don't get your confirmation by then, we'll accept that you'll be attending as a guest or not attending at all'." ~ KiwiAtaahua
"The fact that OP only included her out of pity and politeness makes Jen’s behavior so much worse. She is getting a free premium dress for a major family event. She should put it on, smile for the pics, and eat the free cake. If she doesn't want her arms showing, she can bring a shrug or jacket of some kind to wear during the reception after the photos are taken." ~ forgotwhatiwas26
"I'm fat and stood up in 4 weddings. I wore what the bride told me to, and honestly, you look fat in any dress you're put in if you're fat. But I honestly didn't care because no one was looking at me. I was a background player. Also, it was fun to get dressed up and feel pretty." ~ caitie578
"I'm also a fat woman and I've been in this situation too. I almost feel bad for people in this situation who think there's some magical dress that's going to hide their weight and they make it everyone else's problem to find something that doesn't exist."
"That's a miserable way to live, there's no way Jen is having a good time day to day if this is how she is about wearing a slightly unflattering dress one time." ~ misseff
OP tried to be fair, giving their bridesmaids the choice to pick and pay for their own dresses or let her pick and pay.
It's not her problem her future sister-in-law isn't a person who honors their word.
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