When it comes to being a bridesmaid or groomsman, no two people share the same opinion as to whether it’s a blessing or a curse.
Some cross their fingers they won’t be asked, or roll their eyes when they are, as it means added responsibilities, and potentially spending more money than they want on wedding attire.
Others relish the opportunity, as it means they get to stand up next to their closest friends or family members on their special day.
Indeed, some even expect to be asked, when the bride and groom had other ideas.
Redditor BeautifulExplorer363 found herself between a rock and hard place when her future mother-in-law announced that her daughter, the original poster (OP)’s future sister-in-law would be one of her bridesmaids.
Something the OP was not intending to ask her.
Eventually, the OP came up with a plan that she believed would have the potential to scare her future sister-in-law out of being a bridesmaid.
While her plan appeared to work, her future sister-in-law did not take kindly to it at all, as one might expect.
Wondering if she went too far, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for picking a ‘revealing’ bridesmaid dress in order to get one of my bridesmaids to drop?”
The OP explained how she correctly predicted her choice of bridesmaid dress would not sit well with her future sister-in-law, potentially seeing her choose not to be one of the OP’s bridesmaids:
“So this has been a long thing coming.”
“My soon to be husband has a sister let’s call her Mia.”
“Now Mia and I do not click very well.”
“I am polite but I wouldn’t say we are friends.”
“I felt I was forced by his family to make her a bridesmaid or she will be sad.”
“I am going to be blunt, Mia is fat and very insecure about it.”
“This has led bridesmaid dresses shopping to be a nightmare.”
“Never could find something she wants and all the other bridesmaid and me liking it.”
“So I gave everyone two options to vote on.”
“Option one was getting a dress that can be styled multiple ways, or picking from a collection so everyone matches but they will need to pay for it.”
“Option two was I will buy everyone’s dress but what I chose the dress and my decision is final.”
“My five bridesmaids voted and options two won.”
“So I picked out a blue strapless dress with a mini slit.”
“I really like it and I knew Mia would have an issue with it.”
“I sent a picture to all the bridesmaid and confirming the right size before I ordered it.”
“This is where it blew up.”
“Mia was pissed I picked a revealing dress.”
“This resulted in an argument where she thinks I am a huge jerk and I told her she can step down if she has issues with the dress.”
“She tried to get the family on her side but everyone knows I gave them options and had watched me struggle to find something everyone wants.”
“She voted for the option where I pay for the dress.”
“I truly didn’t ask her since her and MIL announced she was one of my bridesmaid at a family gathering.”
“The only way to keep peace with the whole family was basically giving her what she wanted.”
“I also have gone to 4 different shops to find a dress for everyone.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for choosing a revealing bridesmaid dress in the hopes that Mia would no longer want to be a bridesmaid.
Most agreed that the OP did nothing wrong, as Mia’s mother forced her into being a bridesmaid, and Mia was given the choice to choose her own dress that she would feel comfortable in, but choose instead to allow the OP to chose her dress for her, effectively digging her own grave.
“Going against the current grain I say NTA.”
“The ah here is MIL and Mia.”
“MIL for announcing Mia is bridesmaid, Mia for being difficult.”
“I’m fat and if I don’t fit the same dress as everyone else, I’d have voted for buying my own from a collection.”
“Mia could still ask for this IF you are willing to compromise, again.”
“Your fiancée has your back.”
“Sometimes the bridesmaids wear a dress they wouldn’t have pick out because they respect the bride’s choice.”- Certain-Chemistry756
“You offered options.”
“She declined them.”
“Her participation in your wedding is optional, one could say undesired.”
“Everyone knows by now it is typical for a bride to chose how she’d like her bridesmaids to appear.”
“Mia doesn’t get to override the preference of everyone else simply because she is insecure with her body type.”- indicatprincess
“You were told Mia would be a bridesmaid and put into an awkward position by your MIL & SIL.”
“They ambushed you at a family gathering where they knew you would be outnumbered should you object.”
“She voted for you to buy the dress and she doesn’t get to throw a fit now.”
“She can step down or deal.”
“Her insecurities aren’t your problem.”- Magical_Sock_821
“I was gonna say YTA from the title, but reading the whole story I see you said that Mia also picked the option where you pay but get final say, and that MIL announced Mia as a bridesmaid without your consent and you just went along to keep the peace.”
“This generally seems like they want their cake and to eat it too.”
“They want Mia to be a bridesmaid and to pick whatever dress she wants, but also to have you pay for it.”
“That was never an option.”
“A strapless dress with a mini slit doesn’t sound all that revealing (pic maybe would help here to confirm), but even if it was, by agreeing to this option, Mia agreed to take what she got on this.”
“It’s your wedding and she can either suck it up, or drop out.”
“I think picking it specifically because you knew she wouldn’t like it makes you minorly TA, but in the end it’s your wedding, she agreed to take what she got, and she can’t be mad because what she got isn’t her favorite.”
“They’ve already been stepping over your boundaries, so I think your pretty justified in not making special accommodations for her at this point.”- blackmathgic
Others, however, didn’t think anyone came off looking particularly good in this story, with many feeling the OP should have just put her foot down and not allowed Mia to be a bridesmaid, rather than bully her out.
“Your MIL for trying to shoehorn Mia as a bridesmaid, and you for not having a backbone to say that you will not have Mia as a bridesmaid but would be thrilled to find a role for her elsewhere in the wedding i.e. doing a reading or something just as important.”
“Neither of you are doing Mia any favors by coddling her instead of enforcing the crucial ‘not everything is going to go your way’ lesson from the start.”- QuickgetintheTARDIS
“Mia sounds difficult, but if you didn’t want her to be a bridesmaid you just…. shouldn’t have made her one.”
“There were a million diplomatic ways to do it.”
“‘I have a limited number of spots for bridesmaids and I want the women closest to me to fill those spots, but I am excited to have you as a guest at my wedding and to get to know you better’ would’ve done the job nicely.”
“Or you could have even told her during the dress shopping process that her refusal to agree on anything was making things difficult and it may be better if she just attended as a guest and could then wear what she wants.”
“Your approach, however, is pretty passive aggressive.”- PandaEnthusiast89
While a select few felt the OP was solely at fault, feeling what she did was blatant bullying, and should have at least taken in what Mia, and the rest of her bridesmaids, would feel comfortable wearing:
“YTA, first, for agreeing to allow her to be a bridesmaid when you clearly DO NOT want her to be one.”
“YTA second for wrapping a no choice situation, trying to make yourself look good by offering to pay ‘…IF you get the final say’.”
“That’s just ridiculous.”
“The normal thing to do in this situation, the kind thing to do in this situation, would’ve been to take a look at your bridesmaids’ respective body types, found dresses made by the same company through ONE dealer/shop (Watters and Watters for example), and had choose dress STYLES that fitted their bodies, but made with the same material available through that company.”
“It’s not fair to throw friend built like a beanpole in a dress for a curvy girl and it’s equally awful to try to cram a girl built like a guitar into a bias cut dress made for a beanpole.”
“There are so many ways around these shallow, unnecessary arguments over weddings.”
“People miss the point of what a wedding really means and it turns into a Mean Girls rerun and people screaming ‘IT’S MY DAY’.”
“’It’s my day’ means that it’s your day to be showered with love and joy that you’ve found The One.”
“It doesn’t mean you get to be a thoughtless tyrant.”
“Also, I don’t think your ‘fat’ bridesmaid is your biggest problem here.”
“Your biggest problem is that your marriage hasn’t even begun and you’re already giving in to demands in order to keep the peace.”- DirtyTileFloor
It’s not unfair, or untrue, to say the OP’s methods erred on the duplicitous side.
Even so, Mia was given an opportunity to choose a dress that made her comfortable, but instead gave ultimate power to the OP.
Knowing full well she might not like the final selection.
Whether or not Mia decides to remain a bridesmaid, one can be sure she’ll think much more carefully before making any future decisions.