While everyone has different opinions about what is acceptable in a relationship, we can all agree that some wounds are too immense to heal, no matter how important the relationship is.
For many people, cheating is one of those unfixable hurts, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor BigLawnjj had a wonderful life with his girlfriend and was looking forward to marrying her and adopting her daughter from an earlier relationship.
But when his girlfriend jeopardized their relationship, the Original Poster (OP) was so hurt he couldn’t even visit his girlfriend’s home to maintain a relationship with his future daughter.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for ghosting my girlfriend’s daughter after my girlfriend cheated on me?”
The OP had a wonderful relationship with his girlfriend and her daughter.
“I (26 Male) was in a relationship with my girlfriend (26 Female) for six years. I was engaged to her and our marriage was scheduled in a few months.”
“My girlfriend had a daughter at a really young age. Her ex left the state immediately after he heard she got pregnant. When I started dating my girlfriend, her daughter was two, and she’s eight now.”
“Over the past 6 years, I have pretty much considered her my own daughter and treated her as such. I had plans to become her stepfather after marriage legally. I loved my daughter so much.”
But a mistake the OP’s girlfriend made ruined everything.
“However, a couple of months ago, my girlfriend confessed she had been having an affair after I saw her texts from her coworker.”
“The texts were so outrageous that she really couldn’t lie about the affair. She said she had been having an affair for a few months.”
“I obviously canceled the engagement and the wedding and moved out a week later.”
“My girlfriend‘s daughter was a bit confused, and it hurt me, but I really did not want to be around my girlfriend anymore.”
The OP didn’t know what to do about his girlfriend’s daughter.
“I have now completely cut off contact with both my girlfriend and her daughter.”
“My girlfriend does still text me frequently and is asking me to reconsider at least maintaining a relationship with her daughter, at least temporarily. Her daughter has constantly been asking where their dad is, and has even been crying a lot.”
“This does hurt me a lot, and I really wanted to maintain a relationship with my girlfriend’s daughter, but the issue is that if I do go over to their house, I will have to see my girlfriend’s face, and I just can’t stand to see her face anymore.”
“I am trying to leave it all behind and already started going on new dates.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to tell his ex’s daughter it wasn’t her fault he was leaving.
“Please say goodbye to the little girl. Tell her the truth or that you both don’t love each other anymore and that you still love her but have to leave.” – Undbitr957
“I think saying goodbye to her and letting her know it isn’t her fault would be helpful for the little girl’s understanding. I feel bad for OP, though, too.” – petitefairy99
“NTA, but yes, you should at least say goodbye to the daughter. But don’t do it unless you can do it without blaming the mother. Swallow your pride and accept whatever story mom has told or will tell.”
“She needs her mother more than ever, and in spite of what your feelings are towards the mom, don’t damage whatever relationship she might be able to have with her daughter.” – Triple-Helix
“She still deserves a goodbye and to know it’s not her fault. While I 100% back the guilty party taking accountability, as a daughter whose stepdad dipped without any ‘closure,’ that s**t was painful and I 100% internalized it.”
“OP owes it to the daughter. You can’t ‘play’ dad, and far too many men don’t understand that.” – Adrienneseger
“While I agree about saying goodbye and some closure, now you are telling an eight-year-old that she will never see her dad again. What a f**ked up situation for him, but also for that little girl.”
“Also, he has to tell her a version of why. ‘Your mom and I don’t want to be together and I cannot see you anymore’ is not enough. I don’t think throwing her mom under the bus is a good option either cause that is the only parent she has been left with.”
“I think OP should meet for closure AND leave the door open to one day seeing her now and again. He loves that little girl, and when his emotions have settled down in a few weeks, maybe he would be willing to hang out with her once a week or two for BOTH of their benefit.” – Icy_Scratch7822
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in another post.
“The guilt of not giving my ex’s daughter closure was eating me up, and the comments agreed that she would probably get trauma issues in the future if she didn’t get closure. So even though I didn’t want to communicate with my ex ever again, I did it one final time to give her daughter closure.”
“I texted my ex this morning and asked her if she could drop her daughter off at a neutral location in the evening so I could spend a few hours with her and give her proper closure.”
“My ex agreed, and in the evening, she dropped her daughter off to me.”
“Her daughter was really happy and emotional when she saw me, and we spent the next few hours doing a bunch of fun stuff.”
“After a few hours, as her mom was on her way to pick her up, I told her that this would be the last time she would ever see me, and it was not her fault at all.”
“She broke down in tears, kept asking why, and begged me to never leave.”
“I lied and told her I had to move to a different country and would never come back. I told her if she wanted to make me happy, she had to be good to her mom. I gave her a stuffed dog toy and also a letter.”
“She was really emotional and cried a lot at the end, especially when her mom came to finally pick her up. I said my goodbyes and told her I would always remember her.”
“And that is probably my final update. Today was really heart-wrenching, especially seeing my ex’s daughter crying like that, but I hope this gives her the closure she needs and that she understands it was not her fault.”
“As for me, I will carry on with my life as usual, although right now, I’m feeling extremely hurt and devastated. I have a nice job offer in another state, which I will probably accept. A change in scenery will also probably be good for me and my mental health.”
Some felt terrible for the daughter but remained supportive of the OP moving on.
“I get why OP can’t stay around, but man, I just couldn’t do that.”
“The girl in the post had OP come into her life when she was two and is eight now. As far as she’s concerned, OP is her dad.”
“I have a daughter now who’s younger than the girl in the post. The thought of leaving her would be devastating to both her and me. Before I had her, I might have thought OP was doing the right thing. And I’m not saying it’s wrong, but now, while understandable, I just couldn’t fathom hurting a little kid like that. Or hurting myself like that, to be honest.”
“Edit: There are apparently a lot of people replying to me who think OP has to drop out of the girl’s life now because someday in the future the mom might maybe say he can’t see her anymore. Seems like a horrible reason to me.”
“OP is dropping out of her life now to protect his own mental health now, which is totally fine. Not what I’d do, but understandable. Dropping out of her life now because you think hypothetically maybe the mom might not let you see her anymore sometime in the indistinct future is just straight dumb.” – throwawayainteasy
“I met my ex’s child when she was around eight years old. We dated for a little over two years, and he was NOT a single parent or the parent with primary custody (she never even stayed nights with him and lived a few hours away).”
“But I formed a strong bond with her anyway. I ended up having a child with this guy… but due to circumstances, breaking up with him was easy… except for the part of me that knew I’d be essentially breaking up my child’s family and breaking up with her as well. The only reason I cried was when I thought of these things… not because I was losing him.”
“Well, she reached out to me shortly after the breakup, and invited me to stay in her life. I took that offer with quickness. Her own father has phased out of her (and my child’s) life, but she and I are still close.”
“She comes on birthday trips for my son. We come to her birthday and important life events. I will be going to see her graduate COLLEGE next month. I’m so incredibly proud of her, and can’t even imagine a world where she isn’t a positive presence in our lives.” – ravenserein
“When an ex broke up with me, I was at least able to tell the stepkids that I love them. They have my number and I’ve told them if they need my help, I’ll gladly give it. I hope they know I’ll always love them.”
“Honestly losing the blended family, and those kids, was much much worse than the breakup itself. The way it happened, I just stopped loving her due to her actions on the spot pretty much. I had wanted to build a life with her and raise the kids and grow old together.”
“The stepkids had their own experience of loss before I ever knew them though, and they were old enough that they never really ‘needed’ me.” – Jolly-MarionBerry149
“I’m so sorry for you and the daughter. It’s a huge responsibility to take on continuing yo fill the role of her father when you have no real rights or tied to her thanks to the mom. You gave her as much closer as you could without telling her what happened and honestly, if you did she’d probably hate her mom forever which wouldn’t have helped her either.”
“This really was a lose-lose situation, and as a mama my heart really breaks for yall… your ex sucks. If she had left without cheating, there still would’ve been the opportunity for y’all to amicably co-parent the child you grew to love or at least leave the door open for you to still have a relationship with the daughter.”
“What she did was selfish and I hope she learns from this for her kid’s sake. I wish you healing my dude.” – ComprehensiveUse5045
“Some 35 years ago, I was seriously involved with a woman who had a five-year-old child. In every way, I became that kid’s dad and loved him like he was my own. Then his mom decided to cheat on me, in a way that was devastatingly hurtful.”
“I told her that I was done with her, period, but I needed one more afternoon to spend with her kid so I could say goodbye. I had a great afternoon with the little guy, told him that after today he wouldn’t see me again, that it wasn’t his fault, and that I would always remember him.”
“Fast forward sixteen years. I was living in another town, but it wasn’t that far away from where my ex girlfriend lived. I was at a bar having a beer with some friends when this tall, young guy came up to me and gave me a huge hug. It took me a second, but I quickly recognized the man that that young kid from 16 years prior had turned into.”
“I was in instant tears because I truly never forgot him. He never forgot me, either. We sat and talked for a while, and he told me his mom had come clean to him about what happened and why I had left. He said he never blamed me but missed me every day.”
“We kept in touch for a few years until he moved out of state. I’ll never forget how happy we both were to see each other again. Even now, it still pains me that his mom robbed both of us of what almost certainly would have been a great father/son relationship. But I have zero tolerance for infidelity, so…”
“Life can suck sometimes. OP, you did the right thing. Good for you. Best of luck to you in your new job and doing what you need to for yourself…” – Bonus_Monkey
The subReddit deeply felt for the OP and the impossible situation he found himself in, and while they supported him in creating distance and healing, they also felt terrible for the ex’s daughter.
Perhaps if the OP’s ex-girlfriend had simply ended the relationship, they could have successfully co-parented together, but as demonstrated in situations like this, some hurts are too much to recover from.