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Mom Refuses To Go To Stepdaughter’s Birthday Party After Discovering Fiancé Disinvited Her Son

13th birthday party
LindaYolanda/Getty Images

If people enter a longterm relationship when there are children involved, an extra layer of complexity is added.

The children develop relationships separate from their respective parents. They may begin to think of each other as siblings.

But what happens if their parents relationship deteriorates?

A woman with questions about her fiancé turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.

That-Squash-7385 asked:

“AITA for not going to my stepdaughter’s birthday because they disinvited my son?”

The original poster (OP) explained:

“My fiancé (male, 33), and I (female, 34) have been together for 5—going on 6—years. I was there for him for his drug addiction and I raised his daughter while he was in jail and homeless and in rehab.”

“Her mother abandoned her when she was 6 months old. We haven’t seen or heard from her in years.”

“If I wasn’t there for his daughter, no one else would have been, He’s been sober for a year now and I honestly thought things were getting better.”

“I have a son from a previous relationship (male, 15), and we have a son together (male, 2).”

“This last weekend was his daughter’s 13th birthday and the day before my fiancé messaged me to say that his daughter doesn’t want my son at her birthday because her boyfriend is coming, my son and her boyfriend get along very well, and she feels like she will be left out.”

“When we were together the day before planning the party everything was fine. The next night I got a message saying his daughter didn’t want him there anymore.”

“So, I messaged my fiancé and said I would stop by and give her, her gift but I’m not staying as my son was excited about seeing his sister on her birthday and he was sad that he wasn’t invited anymore.”

“My fiancé then got angry that I was making a huge deal out of it saying she’s allowed to have whoever she wants at her birthday. Which I agree, she has every right, just as I have every right to not show up because my son was upset about being uninvited.”

“He knows I will always have his back.”

“His mom called me to find out what was happening and I told her what he had said. She told me that his daughter never said that she didn’t want her brother there and that we must come.”

“But I said no because my son was upset.”

“If he didn’t want my son there, why should I put my son in that situation? Why should I put myself in a situation where I know my son is not welcome?”

“Because who wants to be somewhere they aren’t welcome? Either my stepdaughter didn’t want him there or my fiancé didn’t want him there—either way these are both hurtful.”

“My fiancé and I did speak about it, and he told me I was making a big deal out of it. The only person I didn’t speak to is my stepdaughter because I’d rather be the bad guy than the father she adores.”

“How do I tell her on her birthday no less that he doesn’t want her stepbrother there?”

“I just said I couldn’t stay long. I stopped by, gave her her gift and left. I have no idea what her dad told her, but will be talking to her tomorrow.”

“I did not tell my son that my fiancé was the person who uninvited him, but he figured it out because he asked me if it was my fiancé, not his sister, who didn’t want him around.”

“I ended up taking my son to the movies and the arcade, but when he saw his sister at the mall he decided he didn’t want to stay any longer and we left.”

“My fiance was with them. We spoke about it at home and my son said he didnt want to see him. I have plans to take my stepdaughter out tomorrow after school where I will talk to her, because I don’t know who to believe.”

“I didn’t want to say anything on her birthday because it’s 13—a big one. But I’m fetching her from school tomorrow and going to talk to her about it.”

“Am I the A**hole for being upset about this whole situation?”

The OP added:

“At first I stayed for my stepdaughter, because I was it—all she had besides her grandmother.”

“Then I got stuck in the cycle of him trying to get sober, then relapsing, then I fell pregnant and I’m not even sure how I got where I am right now.”

“It doesnt look like we will be staying together. He’s broken something that can’t be fixed.”

The OP summed up their situation.

“I didn’t go to my stepdaughter’s birthday because my fiancé disinvited my son.”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors were divided, with some saying the OP was the a**hole (YTA).

“So let me get this straight, for 6 years you exposed yourself and your son to an addict, but him uninviting your son to a party is where you draw the line.”

“You have willingly chosen this bullsh*t. Deal with it. YTA.” ~ Whorible_wife69

“Granted, you rightfully defended your son during the party. But, once you learned that your fiancé was the sole perpetrator, you were about to let him off the hook altogether and let his daughter continue to get thrown under the bus.”

“That guy is bad news. For whatever reason(s), he hurt your son, and you know it but you don’t want to believe it.”

“Unpopular take here, but YTA. You shouldn’t be upset about the situation, you need to be squarely upset at your fiancé for causing all of this.” ~ shuckyducked

“Son was upset as he thought his stepsister didn’t want him at her party/but that wasn’t true. I’m sure if that was explained that SHE did want him there then that would have been cleared up for him to go.”

“Actually, I’m judging YTA on OP for not clearing that up. He was upset seeing his stepsister in the mall as he still thought she didn’t want him there. Way to ruin their relationship, OP.” ~ SignificantAd866

“So you allowed the lies from your fiancé to drive a wedge between your son and his daughter, the kids that you should want to accept each other as part of your future potentially blended family.”

“You were pouty and childish in this, I feel.”

“YTA for sticking with such an a**hole fiancé and for not even attempting to repair what he wanted to break.” ~ pukui7

Others felt everyone—the adults at least—sucked (ESH).

“ESH. Obviously, your fiancé is an a**hole for disinviting your son. But I don’t understand why you didn’t go after you found out it wasn’t your stepdaughter who disinvited them?”

“Why create tension between the kids? And what’s with your fiancé? Are there issues between him and your son?” ~ SandwichOtter

“I think this is an ESH situation—minus the two teens. They both were willing to sacrifice the stepdaughter for the fiancé.”

“The girl was innocent and wanted her brother there, and now he seems to think his sister no longer wants him around.” ~ DrAniB20

“Are there no adults in this situation emotionally mature enough to help these teenagers navigate this?”

“I mean, it didn’t turn out to actually be an issue between the siblings, but when y’all thought it was, were all of you just going to cross your arms like toddlers and say ‘Fine! If he’s not going, I’m not going!’ and leave it at that with no further conflict resolution?”

“It sounds like you and your fiancé aren’t communicating well or really talking to each other, either, since you and him were communicating through his mom instead of you calling or texting and asking ‘hey, what gives‽‽’.”

“ESH except the poor kids. You and your fiancé, who is absolutely also an a-hole if what his mom said is true, need to grow up.”

“I know the go-to relationship advice for almost every dilemma is ‘break up!,’ but why weren’t you aware of any ill feelings from your fiancé towards your son?”

“Why expose your young son to a partner in active addiction who isn’t even his father? Lotta stuff going on here.” ~ Square-Raspberry560

“Did you ask your stepdaughter if she wanted you and your son to come? And if she said yes, you should’ve just went there and have your ‘fiancé’ run into a wall for lying.”

“You should also have talked with the two teens about what HER father did behind her back and that she shouldn’t be mad until she knows the reason.”

“And then AFTER—wouldn’t wanna ruin her birthday—the party SHE—with her grandmother’s and your guidance—should have talked to the ‘fiancé’ first. Basically just ‘WHY‽‽ Why uninvite my big brother‽‽”

“Your son should also get a chance to ask him why, with you as support. Of course only if they both want to.”

“At the moment, I am very much ESH.” ~ Designer-Bass-8440

But the majority thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA)…

“NTA. Why did your fiancé not want your son at the party? Why did your fiancé lie and blame his daughter for disinviting him?”

“Why did your fiancé want to exclude your son and get mad when you had his back? These are questions that I would need my fiancé to answer to my face.”

“Then I would seriously consider if I wanted a relationship with a man like that.”

From reading the first paragraph alone it sounds like you are completely done with this man to begin with and that this episode was your wit’s end. It is easier to end an engagement than it is to end a marriage.”

“I am proud that you had your sons back. It seems like your fiance has growing up to do.” ~ SweetSerenityxx

“NTA for standing up for your son, but why would you marry someone who doesn’t seem to want him around? Going through with the marriage without sorting this out first would make you the A and you could lose your son in the process.” ~ carolyn609

…although some had qualifiers.

“What about the oldest son just ‘guessing’ that it was actually the fiancé who didn’t want him around? How does a kid figure that out without there being other clues in their relationship?”

“My guess is that the oldest son has been receiving triangulation in less visible ways from the fiancé for years, which is why it was impossible for him to miss now. Kids notice sh*t like that.”

“NTA for not going op, but YTA if you marry this a**hat without investigating how your son could guess something like that without being told.” ~ Winter-Abrocoma6899

“If what your future mother-in-law says is true, it really feels like your fiancé waited until you had another son and thought it’d be okay for him to show his true feelings about your son.

“‘We have a new son, I don’t want this old version anymore’. NTA for not going to the party but Y-T-A if you still marry this man.” ~ Talisa87

“Like, who da fawk says ‘Mmmm, yes, drug addicted, homeless and prison. Sexxxxy! That’s who I’m gonna expose my minor child to. As a matter of fact I’m gonna procreate with him!”

“Like those aren’t just redflags those are freaking banners waving over the worlds largest dumpster fires! 🔥 ~ Any-Blackberry-5557

These kids have been in each others’ lives since they were 10 and 7 years-old respectively.

It sounds like OP’s relationship with her fiancé is done, but hopefully, the one between the teens and their shared younger brother can be saved.

Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metís Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. A member of the Indigenous Journalists Association, she considers herself another proud Maineiac.