Schools in the United States aren't like they were when I was a child. Almost every door into the building was unlocked during the school day.
Anyone could walk into my elementary, junior high, and high school.
There were no police officers on duty as resource officers.
But these things—along with safety drills and security measures—are all common now. And they're no joke.
A man whose fiancée doesn't agree with how serious her daughter lying to school officials and the school resource officer about him turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Sddramaaita asked:
"AITA For flipping out on my fiance after her daughter almost got me arrested?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (38, male) got engaged to my fiancée (37, female) about 3 months ago. We've been dating for almost 3 years.
"She has 2 kids from a previous relationship (15, female & 12, male). Their dad is involved in their lives and for the most part the adults all co-parent and communicate well."
"I get along really well with the 12-year-old, but I have always struggled to build a relationship with my soon-to-be stepdaughter, Riley. She has made it very clear to me, my fiancée, and her bio-dad that she doesn't view me as a parent and doesn't want me to try and be a father to her because she already has one."
"A few days ago, my fiancée sent me a text asking me if I could pick up Riley from school because she had something come up at work that was going to keep her late. My fiancée usually picks up Riley once a week and brings her to a chiropractic appointment to help with a sports injury Riley got."
"She told me she would call the school to let them know that I would be picking Riley up because I wasn't on the approved pick-up list yet.
However, when I got to Riley's school, it quickly became apparent that my fiancée forgot to call the school. The school has locked doors that require you to have a code or be buzzed in by the office."
"I buzzed into the office to let them know I was there to pick up Riley and that my fiancée should have called to let them know. They didn't know anything about it."
"I was left waiting outside for 5-10 minutes while they figured it out. I tried calling and texting my fiancée, but she didn't answer."
"Then, the school resource officer—an actual uniformed cop—came out and told me that I would have to leave and that if I refused, then he would arrest me for trespassing. I tried talking with him, but he just kept saying I was not authorized to be on school property and that I had to leave."
"I had no choice but to leave without Riley. Finally, an hour later, my fiancée called me back."
"I explained what happened and she apologized for forgetting to call the school because she got distracted with work. She told me she would figure it out and meet me at home."
"When she and Riley got home, Riley went straight to her room."
"My fiancée sat me down and told me that Riley had lied to the office and told them that she didn't know who I was and had never seen me before. She thought it would be funny."
"She told me she explained to Riley how dangerous that was and was going to work with Riley's dad to figure out a punishment. Needless to say, I did not take that news well."
"I admit I raised my voice to her. I didn't yell, but I did get louder than I usually talk. She told me to calm down, and I told her that I wouldn't calm down because her daughter almost got me arrested because she thought it would be funny."
"I told her that she's just as responsible for this as Riley is because she didn't call the school, and it put me in a position where I looked like a creep or predator."
"My fiancée thinks I am overreacting and that I need to let her and Riley's dad handle this."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"If I were OP, I don't think I'd be willing to be alone with Riley ever again, not even for 10 seconds—and if, by some odd chance, I had no choice but to be alone with her, I would be recording video the entire time." ~ GothicGingerbread
"You aren't overreacting; your fiancée, however, is underreacting in a way that may have serious consequences for the rest of you, including her daughter."
"A fifteen-year-old intentionally lied to a police officer and falsely represented you to be a predator on school grounds who was trying to kidnap her. In every US jurisdiction, that would appear to be—at minimum—if true, attempted kidnapping of a minor and a felony."
"Lying to police about being the victim or intended victim of the crime tends to be a felony, and an especially dangerous one to third parties. Your arrest would have been a matter of perpetual public record under state public records laws, no matter the disposition."
You'd never be able to answer 'no' to the question of whether you'd ever been arrested or charged with a felony. Had you not left the school grounds, that could have escalated very quickly if the school officer was armed."
"This was incredibly calculated on the teenager's part, to take advantage of her mother's oversight. It was not at all 'funny' and neither the daughter nor any rational parent of hers could have thought it was."
"The teen now knows the immense power against you of lying, and unless both her parents take it seriously enough to successfully address her conduct and engage whatever professional help they need to ensure it won't continue to happen, you need to decide whether you can tolerate the demonstrated risk of ever being alone with her."
"You may also want to consult an attorney in your jurisdiction about your own rights to preclude contact in places you have a right to be."
"If you live with her mother, only a professional in your jurisdiction can advise you whether you can obtain a no contact order or a civil lawyer could advise whether your fiancée and the father could be caused to modify any existing decree on physical custody if you have a right to occupy the same home based on her admission to have made a false report to a police officer of an attempted kidnapping."
"NTA. Her parents need to take this far more seriously." ~ Fair-Ninja-8070
"NTA. Part of Riley's punishment should be a written apology to the school's front office staff and resource officer for the stress and trouble her lie caused, clarifying that she does know you and just thought it would be funny to put you in an awkward position."
"This letter should spell out her newfound understanding of how serious this was and how reckless it was of her to toy with the school's efforts to ensure student safety."
"You're overdue for a conversation with your fiancée about why you're not already on the approved pickup list and #3 on the emergency contact list. Sounds like some family therapy might help to establish some boundaries and expectations & get some clarity on why Riley is so resentful." ~ rapt2right
"I'm a teacher, and my first thought was 'that kid just wasted everyone's time'. A letter of apology is definitely in order"
"I'm presuming she also missed her chiropractor's appointment, so how many people's days were rearranged because this kid thought she was being funny? Off the charts entitlement from this one." ~ Usual-Feature-1470
"It sounds really bad to put it like this, but it brands her a liar to the rest of the school staff. But that this is being dealt with by her parents not swept under the rug, which is very important."
"Best believe those adults are going to start to look at her very differently after this when word gets about, and it will. School staff talk to each other and something like this will already have been round the staff room by the following day."
"Those security measures and procedures exist for a very good reason because things have happened and very costly lessons were learned. The staff are going to be relieved, embarrassed, and very annoyed to varying degrees because they did their jobs and were made to look silly for doing the right thing."
"It doesn't matter why she did it, malicious intent or stupidity—there are adults who pull stupid and dangerous antics and call them pranks. Unfortunately, you can't rule out that this kid might just be thick as pig sh*t.
"I don't think OP should break off the relationship solely on this. She might be trying to play it down because she doesn't want the kid to feel like she 'won' or got one over on the adults, or maybe she doesn't want to believe it was malicious."
"It's her kid, she's not going to want to believe the worst, but I think the three adults in this situation need to have a sit down together about how to deal with the hostility, and it's long overdue."
"She shouldn't be forced to accept him as her new dad, or even like him, but a clear line needs to be drawn. Therapy is a good idea, but the three of them putting up a united front against this could be the best countermeasure." ~ No_Masterpiece_3897
"I assume that the school already knows. If a strange man came to my school to pick up a student and the student claimed they didn't know him, we would continue to try to reach they parents."
"Even after that person left peacefully. Mom—likely dad too—would have gotten calls until the principal or other admin actually spoke to one or both—since divorced—parents.
"If a stranger comes to a school and asks to pick up a specific child, there is a very good reason to assume that child is in danger long after the person leaves the school."
"All the parental figures—and Riley—should be prepared for some kind of disciplinary action at school. At 15 it will be taken seriously. She also will likely get to meet with her advisor/counselor/social worker to talk about it at school."
"Assuming this was in the US, 100% that front office staff, admin, counselors or social workers, and security at bare minimum already know what she did. It is very possible that every teacher on her schedule will be informed."
"Riley's lie could very easily have triggered a lockdown with a 911 call. Teachers would be told to go to admin with anything so the school can document what is going on as a way to make informed decisions about not only Riley's statements and future disciplinary actions if she does anything else."
"If in the US, Riley has been practicing for what to do when someone comes to school to kill her and/or her classmates. Practicing multiple times a year, every year, since she was 3-6 years old—depending on when/where she started preschool & kindergarten."
"Drills happen for threats both inside and outside the building. There is ZERO chance she didn't have some understanding of the 911 and lockdown scenario."
"How hard it would have been to own up to her lie as things were happening obviously won as a decision-making factor. Barring verified mental illness or abuse, she is going to have to rebuild trust with a lot of adults."
"Possibly peers, depending on if/which other students were in the office. Therapy is needed."
"Assuming the best and OP is a perfectly safe potential stepparent, Riley needs a safe place to work through her feelings in individual therapy. Then, a safe place to tell her mom and OP her feelings in family therapy." ~ penguinliz
"Agreed that Riley needs to apologize to everyone involved, including the school staff, resource officer, and OP. If I were Riley's mom, I'd have Riley apologize in person when handing over the letters so she can look the people in the eye who she lied to."
"And she needs to properly apologize with ALL the steps—apologize, state what she did wrong, how her actions affected the person she's apologizing to, and what she'll do moving forward. She's 15, she's old enough to understand her actions could have had serious consequences." ~ currently_distracted
"I think it might also be worth noting that it's bullsh*t like Riley's actions that lead to real victims not being believed. Real victims go to the authorities, and because they've encountered people like Riley in the past, they think this is more of the same.
"What are the school's front office staff going to think if next time, an actual predator tries to kidnap a pupil? They might remember the mess with Riley and be less likely to follow the rules." ~ atticdoor
"Not only is Riley a problem, but his fiance is a problem too if the punishment is decided only between herself and her bio-dad. Does his partner even see him as a co-parent?"
"If she expects him to help take some responsibility with the kids, then she should include him in the decision of what the punishment should be." ~ piepiepieone
"Please have a meeting with THE SCHOOL + Riley + Her Parents. She (Riley) needs to understand how serious what she did is. She needs to hear it from the school, not you."
"Get everyone in a room to discuss this incident ASAP. If your fiancée declines a meeting, break up. This is so serious and you are not overreacting at all.
"If you had misunderstood and tried explaining further, the officer might have taken out his service weapon and shot you. Riley accused you of attempted kidnapping, a federal offense.
"I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's terrifying." ~ No_Performance8733
The OP's fiancée doesn't seem to realize her daughter did the equivalent of calling in a bomb threat and identifying OP as the bomber.
Schools in the United States have armed police officers in them. Reporting a stranger is trying to take a student can result in a lockdown or the use of deadly force.
That's not a prank and not funny.
And for BIPOC or neurodivergent person—who die during unarmed interactions with law enforcement at an alarming rate—it's basically a death threat.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp