Schools in the United States aren’t like they were when I was a child. Almost every door into the building was unlocked during the school day.
Anyone could walk into my elementary, junior high, and high school.
There were no police officers on duty as resource officers.
But these things—along with safety drills and security measures—are all common now. And they’re no joke.
A man whose fiancée doesn’t agree with how serious her daughter lying to school officials and the school resource officer about him turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Sddramaaita asked:
“AITA For flipping out on my fiance after her daughter almost got me arrested?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (38, male) got engaged to my fiancée (37, female) about 3 months ago. We’ve been dating for almost 3 years.
“She has 2 kids from a previous relationship (15, female & 12, male). Their dad is involved in their lives and for the most part the adults all co-parent and communicate well.”
“I get along really well with the 12-year-old, but I have always struggled to build a relationship with my soon-to-be stepdaughter, Riley. She has made it very clear to me, my fiancée, and her bio-dad that she doesn’t view me as a parent and doesn’t want me to try and be a father to her because she already has one.”
“A few days ago, my fiancée sent me a text asking me if I could pick up Riley from school because she had something come up at work that was going to keep her late. My fiancée usually picks up Riley once a week and brings her to a chiropractic appointment to help with a sports injury Riley got.”
“She told me she would call the school to let them know that I would be picking Riley up because I wasn’t on the approved pick-up list yet.
However, when I got to Riley’s school, it quickly became apparent that my fiancée forgot to call the school. The school has locked doors that require you to have a code or be buzzed in by the office.”
“I buzzed into the office to let them know I was there to pick up Riley and that my fiancée should have called to let them know. They didn’t know anything about it.”
“I was left waiting outside for 5-10 minutes while they figured it out. I tried calling and texting my fiancée, but she didn’t answer.”
“Then, the school resource officer—an actual uniformed cop—came out and told me that I would have to leave and that if I refused, then he would arrest me for trespassing. I tried talking with him, but he just kept saying I was not authorized to be on school property and that I had to leave.”
“I had no choice but to leave without Riley. Finally, an hour later, my fiancée called me back.”
“I explained what happened and she apologized for forgetting to call the school because she got distracted with work. She told me she would figure it out and meet me at home.”
“When she and Riley got home, Riley went straight to her room.”
“My fiancée sat me down and told me that Riley had lied to the office and told them that she didn’t know who I was and had never seen me before. She thought it would be funny.”
“She told me she explained to Riley how dangerous that was and was going to work with Riley’s dad to figure out a punishment. Needless to say, I did not take that news well.”
“I admit I raised my voice to her. I didn’t yell, but I did get louder than I usually talk. She told me to calm down, and I told her that I wouldn’t calm down because her daughter almost got me arrested because she thought it would be funny.”
“I told her that she’s just as responsible for this as Riley is because she didn’t call the school, and it put me in a position where I looked like a creep or predator.”
“My fiancée thinks I am overreacting and that I need to let her and Riley’s dad handle this.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“If I were OP, I don’t think I’d be willing to be alone with Riley ever again, not even for 10 seconds—and if, by some odd chance, I had no choice but to be alone with her, I would be recording video the entire time.” ~ GothicGingerbread
“You aren’t overreacting; your fiancée, however, is underreacting in a way that may have serious consequences for the rest of you, including her daughter.”
“A fifteen-year-old intentionally lied to a police officer and falsely represented you to be a predator on school grounds who was trying to kidnap her. In every US jurisdiction, that would appear to be—at minimum—if true, attempted kidnapping of a minor and a felony.”
“Lying to police about being the victim or intended victim of the crime tends to be a felony, and an especially dangerous one to third parties. Your arrest would have been a matter of perpetual public record under state public records laws, no matter the disposition.”
You’d never be able to answer ‘no’ to the question of whether you’d ever been arrested or charged with a felony. Had you not left the school grounds, that could have escalated very quickly if the school officer was armed.”
“This was incredibly calculated on the teenager’s part, to take advantage of her mother’s oversight. It was not at all ‘funny’ and neither the daughter nor any rational parent of hers could have thought it was.”
“The teen now knows the immense power against you of lying, and unless both her parents take it seriously enough to successfully address her conduct and engage whatever professional help they need to ensure it won’t continue to happen, you need to decide whether you can tolerate the demonstrated risk of ever being alone with her.”
“You may also want to consult an attorney in your jurisdiction about your own rights to preclude contact in places you have a right to be.”
“If you live with her mother, only a professional in your jurisdiction can advise you whether you can obtain a no contact order or a civil lawyer could advise whether your fiancée and the father could be caused to modify any existing decree on physical custody if you have a right to occupy the same home based on her admission to have made a false report to a police officer of an attempted kidnapping.”
“NTA. Her parents need to take this far more seriously.” ~ Fair-Ninja-8070
“NTA. Part of Riley’s punishment should be a written apology to the school’s front office staff and resource officer for the stress and trouble her lie caused, clarifying that she does know you and just thought it would be funny to put you in an awkward position.”
“This letter should spell out her newfound understanding of how serious this was and how reckless it was of her to toy with the school’s efforts to ensure student safety.”
“You’re overdue for a conversation with your fiancée about why you’re not already on the approved pickup list and #3 on the emergency contact list. Sounds like some family therapy might help to establish some boundaries and expectations & get some clarity on why Riley is so resentful.” ~ rapt2right
“I’m a teacher, and my first thought was ‘that kid just wasted everyone’s time’. A letter of apology is definitely in order”
“I’m presuming she also missed her chiropractor’s appointment, so how many people’s days were rearranged because this kid thought she was being funny? Off the charts entitlement from this one.” ~ Usual-Feature-1470
“It sounds really bad to put it like this, but it brands her a liar to the rest of the school staff. But that this is being dealt with by her parents not swept under the rug, which is very important.”
“Best believe those adults are going to start to look at her very differently after this when word gets about, and it will. School staff talk to each other and something like this will already have been round the staff room by the following day.”
“Those security measures and procedures exist for a very good reason because things have happened and very costly lessons were learned. The staff are going to be relieved, embarrassed, and very annoyed to varying degrees because they did their jobs and were made to look silly for doing the right thing.”
“It doesn’t matter why she did it, malicious intent or stupidity—there are adults who pull stupid and dangerous antics and call them pranks. Unfortunately, you can’t rule out that this kid might just be thick as pig sh*t.
“I don’t think OP should break off the relationship solely on this. She might be trying to play it down because she doesn’t want the kid to feel like she ‘won’ or got one over on the adults, or maybe she doesn’t want to believe it was malicious.”
“It’s her kid, she’s not going to want to believe the worst, but I think the three adults in this situation need to have a sit down together about how to deal with the hostility, and it’s long overdue.”
“She shouldn’t be forced to accept him as her new dad, or even like him, but a clear line needs to be drawn. Therapy is a good idea, but the three of them putting up a united front against this could be the best countermeasure.” ~ No_Masterpiece_3897
“I assume that the school already knows. If a strange man came to my school to pick up a student and the student claimed they didn’t know him, we would continue to try to reach they parents.”
“Even after that person left peacefully. Mom—likely dad too—would have gotten calls until the principal or other admin actually spoke to one or both—since divorced—parents.
“If a stranger comes to a school and asks to pick up a specific child, there is a very good reason to assume that child is in danger long after the person leaves the school.”
“All the parental figures—and Riley—should be prepared for some kind of disciplinary action at school. At 15 it will be taken seriously. She also will likely get to meet with her advisor/counselor/social worker to talk about it at school.”
“Assuming this was in the US, 100% that front office staff, admin, counselors or social workers, and security at bare minimum already know what she did. It is very possible that every teacher on her schedule will be informed.”
“Riley’s lie could very easily have triggered a lockdown with a 911 call. Teachers would be told to go to admin with anything so the school can document what is going on as a way to make informed decisions about not only Riley’s statements and future disciplinary actions if she does anything else.”
“If in the US, Riley has been practicing for what to do when someone comes to school to kill her and/or her classmates. Practicing multiple times a year, every year, since she was 3-6 years old—depending on when/where she started preschool & kindergarten.”
“Drills happen for threats both inside and outside the building. There is ZERO chance she didn’t have some understanding of the 911 and lockdown scenario.”
“How hard it would have been to own up to her lie as things were happening obviously won as a decision-making factor. Barring verified mental illness or abuse, she is going to have to rebuild trust with a lot of adults.”
“Possibly peers, depending on if/which other students were in the office. Therapy is needed.”
“Assuming the best and OP is a perfectly safe potential stepparent, Riley needs a safe place to work through her feelings in individual therapy. Then, a safe place to tell her mom and OP her feelings in family therapy.” ~ penguinliz
“Agreed that Riley needs to apologize to everyone involved, including the school staff, resource officer, and OP. If I were Riley’s mom, I’d have Riley apologize in person when handing over the letters so she can look the people in the eye who she lied to.”
“And she needs to properly apologize with ALL the steps—apologize, state what she did wrong, how her actions affected the person she’s apologizing to, and what she’ll do moving forward. She’s 15, she’s old enough to understand her actions could have had serious consequences.” ~ currently_distracted
“I think it might also be worth noting that it’s bullsh*t like Riley’s actions that lead to real victims not being believed. Real victims go to the authorities, and because they’ve encountered people like Riley in the past, they think this is more of the same.
“What are the school’s front office staff going to think if next time, an actual predator tries to kidnap a pupil? They might remember the mess with Riley and be less likely to follow the rules.” ~ atticdoor
“Not only is Riley a problem, but his fiance is a problem too if the punishment is decided only between herself and her bio-dad. Does his partner even see him as a co-parent?”
“If she expects him to help take some responsibility with the kids, then she should include him in the decision of what the punishment should be.” ~ piepiepieone
“Please have a meeting with THE SCHOOL + Riley + Her Parents. She (Riley) needs to understand how serious what she did is. She needs to hear it from the school, not you.”
“Get everyone in a room to discuss this incident ASAP. If your fiancée declines a meeting, break up. This is so serious and you are not overreacting at all.
“If you had misunderstood and tried explaining further, the officer might have taken out his service weapon and shot you. Riley accused you of attempted kidnapping, a federal offense.
“I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s terrifying.” ~ No_Performance8733
The OP’s fiancée doesn’t seem to realize her daughter did the equivalent of calling in a bomb threat and identifying OP as the bomber.
Schools in the United States have armed police officers in them. Reporting a stranger is trying to take a student can result in a lockdown or the use of deadly force.
That’s not a prank and not funny.
And for BIPOC or neurodivergent person—who die during unarmed interactions with law enforcement at an alarming rate—it’s basically a death threat.