I was proposed to four different times in college, but I ultimately decided I was not the marrying type.
The more I read about people's wedding woes, I feel like I definitely dodged a bullet.
Some couples just take their big day way too seriously. Then even if the bride or groom are easygoing, there's in-laws or friends to contend with.
A mother-of-the-groom in conflict with her future daughter-in-law was advised by her son to consult the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Brilliant_Muffin1405 asked:
"AITA for apparently making the wedding all about me by being difficult and not taking off work to go dress shopping?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I have to travel for my job, Monday through Friday. I have been getting on a plane every Monday and getting back on Friday due to a project needing to be supervised."
"Luckily, my husband is fantastic, and I can come home and relax. This should finish up by May and I should get a few months without it."
"Hopefully, the project finishes up without any issues."
"My future daughter-in-law (DIL) works four days a week—Wednesday to Saturday, 10 hour shifts."
"She wants to meet up to get a dress for the wedding. She wants to be there when I get my dress."
"Originally I was just going to wear the same dress I wear for all weddings—long blue dress—but she wanted me to wear something else since it will match her bridesmaids."
"I have no idea why she is so invested in this. Like it's a dress—the wedding is in 5 months."
"I also don't get why she doesn't want me to wear my blue dress. The horror if I am in the same color dress as the bridesmaids."
"Mine is a baby blue and the bridesmaids' dresses are a sea blue. The issue, according to her, is it's blue."
"They said it's a formal wedding, so the dress should be fine. I've worn it to many formal events and it has never been a problem."
"I'm not in the bridal party. I think it is extremely stupid that she has an issue with me wearing blue."
"A lot of her guests will also be wearing blue. It's blue—it's one of the more popular colors."
"So looking at our schedule Sunday would be the best day to do this. We are both off. She told me no since that is her rest day."
"She asked for Monday. I told her I can't because I have to work."
"Then I suggested Friday or Saturday after work, but those got shot down. She wants me to take off work."
"I then suggested she send me examples of what she wants and I'll shop by myself and buy something like the examples. Also shot down."
"After much back and forth, I told her I will just wear the blue dress. This started an argument and she called me a jerk."
"My son is mad that I am making the wedding about me and not taking off work. I don't think I am being unreasonable, but he told me to post here and ask."
"I think he thought people would agree with him."
"I can't take a day off. Not every job is relaxed and you can take your PTO whenever you want."
"I need to get on a plane to make sure people don't f*ck up a power plant. If I am not there, they can not do any work because of the regulations."
"Also, it would risk my job since going dress shopping isn't a good reason to cost the company a ton for money for the day, since they can't do any work if I'm not there."
"If I don't have to, I will not buy a new a new formal dress for this wedding. Would much rather wait for a dress I like that matches more stuff I own for a new formal one."
"Instead of a dress picked out by someone else."
"Would they be upset if their fathers showed up in the same suit that he owns? Would they expect him to buy a new suit, or is this only because I am a woman, so I need to get a new dress?"
"No one cares that men wear the same suit because they own it, but the moment a woman doesn't shovel out money for another dress it's a problem."
"I just don't find buying dresses a treat. I would much rather spend $200 on something else."
"Really, it's another thing I will only wear a few times, and then it'll sit in the closet. Maybe I'll rent a dress, but I'm not going to buy a new one when a perfectly good dress is in my closet."
"My husband has worn the same suit for every event for the past 10 years. No one has issues with that."
"But a woman has to keep getting new dresses and other things or apparently they aren't excited for the wedding."
"My dress is almost 6 years old now. It's in good condition, I don't get to wear it often."
"It's not old-fashioned; it's pretty generic for a long dress. It won't stand out at all."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I won't go dress shopping on Monday since I would need to take off work."
"My DIL thinks I am a jerk for not taking time off, and my son thinks I am making the wedding about myself."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the asshole (NTA).
"NTA. You've offered reasonable suggestions to make this work, and she's shot down each of them. That's not your fault."
"Why is she so invested in being there with you? Surely you can pick out a dress in a fit and style that would be appropriate and suitable." ~ Living-Assumption272
"I'm assuming since your son sent you here he will be reading the replies so this is for him:"
"Son, your fiancee is being ridiculous. Your mom has given her several options but she's refusing them all and blaming your mom."
"I realize that some women behave badly during wedding planning—it can be very stressful, but your finacée is 100% the a**hole here. Good grief, she gets three days off of work."
"If the problem is the color of your mom's dress, why can't your mom just buy a dress in a color that isn't blue (or obviously white)? Why does your fiancée have to go with her?"
"Your mom IS NOT making this wedding about herself in any way. Is your fiancée's mental health always this fragile, or is this just wedding stress?"
"Apologize to your mom and tell your fiancée that she either needs to accept that your mom will wear the blue dress, allow your mom to select her own dress of the appropriate color, OR commit to a shopping trip on a day your mom is off of work." ~ celticmusebooks
"And Son, given your fiancée's attitude toward your mother so far, your mom spending a day with her could be Hell."
"You need to set boundaries with your fiancée so she gets through the wedding process with grace and you can keep your family relationships intact."
"Sure, it's your fiancée's day, but she doesn't get to rule the universe because of it. Mom is NTA." ~ HighAltitude88008
"I've heard of some moms of either the bride or groom being awful—this is NOT one of those times. It seems OP genuinely tried to work within both their schedules and offered up lots of compromises to meet the future DIL's demands."
"She deserves none of what is being handed to her. NTA." ~ DrAniB20
"NTA! Good thing your son sent you here to sort it. Her 'rest day' is not more important than your work days. You've been more than accommodating." ~ Psychological-Ad7653
"NTA...You have offered several options that could make this work, but the bride will only accept you taking time off work. She's the one being unreasonable."
"Simply say that you will not be taking time off work and leave it at that. They can offer another solution if they don't like any of yours."
"With all of the horrible tales of parents and weddings on here, your son should be happy at how reasonable you are." ~ RoyallyOakie
"I'm sorry, the wedding may be the most important thing in your son's fiancée's life right now… but it isn't in yours."
"If the woman wants you to wear a different dress than your go-to blue suitable for a wedding dress, and she insists she go shopping with you to get it, then she can take time out of her busy Sunday 'rest day' to go do just that, or she can pipe down and let you shop on your own."
"And, OP, I would be very careful about shopping on your own; the bride sounds very controlling and demanding, and I can easily imagine the first dozen or so outfits being shot down."
"I would insist she go shopping with you. Give her your schedule of availability and let her figure something out. NTA." ~ YouthNAsia63
The OP offered an update.
"My son has this link. Anyways, he told me I can wear the blue dress and that it won't be an issue."
"No response from future DIL."
Mother and son got the answers they were looking for from Reddit.
Hopefully this also settled the issue for the bride.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp