Memorial tattoos have become an increasingly popular way to pay tribute to a deceased loved one. Social acceptance of tattoos is on the rise and memorial tattoos can serve as a permanent and personal tribute.
Many also find the process to be therapeutic.
But what about a memorial tattoo to someone who wasn't famous that the recipient barely knew?
A man turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after his fiancée got a tattoo of his late brother.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Audicarmicheal asked:
"AITA for telling my fiancée her tattoo of my dead brother makes me uncomfortable?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Okay so for context, my older brother (30, male) while I'm 29, male, passed away three years ago in a motorcycle accident. This f*cked me up severely. Still does."
"He was my best friend and we had that whole inseperable since we knew each other type sh*t. Even if he was older, he was never the stereotypical older brother bully sort and I loved him for that."
"Anyway, my fiancée who I'll call Bella is 28, female, and met him only a few times, but always said she admired our bond as she has no real siblings of her own. Only stepsiblings, but they aren't close."
"A few weeks ago, Bella surprised me with a f*cking tattoo she got in memory of my brother. It's this pretty f*cking big, realistic gray scale tattoo of his face with a little snoopy icon beside it on her upper arm, with his nickname we use, and his birth AND death dates underneath."
"When I saw this, I was f*cking stunned. She said she did it as a tribute to him and to support me because she knows how much I still struggle with grief."
"I honestly didn't know what to say at first, but the more I sat with it, the more it bothered me. I told her (gently, as much as I could to be honest) that I appreciated the gesture, but found the tattoo really uncomfortable."
"Like it's unsettling to see HIS face on MY fiancées body. Like it's too much, especially since they barely knew each other."
"She got upset and said I was being weird about a nice gesture and making her regret doing something beautiful—her words. Now she's distant, and my mom thinks I should just be thankful someone loved my brother enough to memorialize him."
"But first off, I didn't ASK her to do this!"
"Now I'm stuck with a fiancée that won't even talk to me properly, and my brothers perfectly black and grey eyes staring at me when I'm laying beside her. And honestly I don't even want to think of how horrifying having sex would be with that on her arm."
"Am I being unreasonable? A**holish? Is it in my right to ask her to get it covered up or like zoinked off?"
The OP later added :
"I'm adding some additional details because I don't know how to respond individually. My fiancée and I both have tattoos and many of them."
"I have smaller ones, she has bigger ones. To my knowledge, neither of us are mentally ill in any capacity and we aren't on medication. I can't believe I have to write this."
"And ever since my reaction, she has been wearing longer sleeved shirts in the day time, at work she has to anyway, but that's for home too. It's only during bed time that I really see it with her wearing tanks."
"And it physically hurts."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to be upset (NTA).
"Your fiancée being weirdly possessive of your grief is such a spot-on way to describe this." ~ Reddit
"'Grief thief' is the term I've heard. It's very weird and you're 100% NTA." ~ samistahpp
"She is centering herself in your grief. There isn't a nice or innocent way to do it. She may not be aware that's what she's doing, but she had to know this was fk'n weird to do."
"This would be a dealbreaker for me. I would ask they cover it or get it removed. Even then, it's so bizarre that I don't think I could get over or through it."
"This is crazy to do. If she just talked about doing it, okay, but getting it done....just wow. Im honestly shocked."
"It's almost like she is jealous or feeling left out since she didn't know your brother well before he passed away."
"Maybe therapy can help her understand and you to process?" ~ CuriousPenguinSocks
"I really don't understand her intentions, did she think that fiancé would have daily spiritual sittings with her arm instead of visiting the grave? So creeeepppyyy."
"Also, it seems obvious, but if OP had a desire for somebody to have his brother tattooed on, he would have done it himself. How do you not think about that? It's creepy and stupid." ~ punica_granatum_
"Dude, this is unhinged. It shows a lack of empathy, self awareness, a need for attention, and need for all of your energy to be spent on her. This is an indication of the rest of your life." ~ Gheerdan
"It unfortunately seems like something my daughter would do and think it was okay and nice. She would mean it in a supportive way, not realizing just how weird and over the line this is."
"To be fair, my daughter is barely an adult and is on the spectrum, so her decisions have time (hopefully) to improve. However she is also bipolar and has a hard time with other people getting attention."
"Unconsciously, it makes her feel less than and a little envious. Her self esteem needs work."
"It's possible that his fiancée is actually trying to be supportive and just went about it the wrong way, or is feeling a little envious about his close relationship to his brother, is uncertain of her place in his heart, and a little jealous that he is still grieving and not giving her as much attention as before."
"Even if she's not conscience of it. Or she may just be a covert narcissist and can't handle his attention elsewhere."
"While the tattoo is bat sh*t crazy, I would judge her based on her past actions and behavior. Not just this one thing. Although it is a really f*cked up thing." ~ LapisLuna420
"It's creepy af. I don't know what she was thinking. I don't know if it would have been better or worse if she actually knew the brother better." ~ RavenLunatyk
"For years, my late husband wanted to get a tattoo of me in my wedding dress. I haaaaated the idea. He thought it would be a wonderful way to say that he loved me. It hurt his feelings that I wasn't enthusiastic about the idea, so I tried to be as kind about it as I could."
"However, I knew how stretched out and weird tattoo portraits could look, especially after a few years. Thankfully, he never got around to getting it. The idea icked me out, even though I have no problem with other people doing this. I just didn't want to see my distorted face on his arm for the rest of my life." ~ ChocolateCoveredGold
"Imagine trying to have sex time with your wife-to-be/wife and when you look at her, you also look at your dead brother's face." ~ Signal_Historian_456
"I have been a tattoo artist for 25 years, and sadly, I find this very believable. I have heard of stories even worse that that, if you can imagine." ~ oneilltattoo
"I've done a huge memorial portrait, then figured out the client barely knew the person, and the longer they sat the more i realized they were actually just very mentally ill."
"The family of the actual girl who died were very upset, and I ended up tattooing a portrait for her father, but it was so awkward trying to examine that other guys motives." ~ carpetgrazer
"It must be hard as a tattoo artist to balance making a living with doing no harm for that small segment of clients who should not be making permanent choices." ~ TentCardMaker
"This is a huge red flag and some real pick-me/look-at-me behavior. She barely knew the guy so got his whole face so she could wear your grief like a badge of honor."
"This is creepy and showing some concerning behavioral crap. Put a pause on the wedding and get both of you some individual therapy."
"I'm not gonna say breakup, but man, there are crazy signs." ~ Weekly_Village3628
"Especially because she has to know that anyone who sees it will immediately be like, 'oh, I'm so sorry for your loss' without even knowing the context. It really seems like an attention thing and is pretty disturbing."
"Also, she doesn't get to decide that she did 'something beautiful'. How the very creepy and weirdly selfish gesture is received is entirely up to you, OP."
"In regard to your mother saying that at least someone loved him enough to do this, the entire point is that she didn't love him. She didn't even know him." ~ deathbystereo007
Grief causes enough pain, and this only added insult to injury.
Perhaps she should have discussed this painful reminder before inking it on her skin.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.