Memorial tattoos have become an increasingly popular way to pay tribute to a deceased loved one. Social acceptance of tattoos is on the rise and memorial tattoos can serve as a permanent and personal tribute.
Many also find the process to be therapeutic.
But what about a memorial tattoo to someone who wasn’t famous that the recipient barely knew?
A man turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after his fiancée got a tattoo of his late brother.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Audicarmicheal asked:
“AITA for telling my fiancée her tattoo of my dead brother makes me uncomfortable?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Okay so for context, my older brother (30, male) while I’m 29, male, passed away three years ago in a motorcycle accident. This f*cked me up severely. Still does.”
“He was my best friend and we had that whole inseperable since we knew each other type sh*t. Even if he was older, he was never the stereotypical older brother bully sort and I loved him for that.”
“Anyway, my fiancée who I’ll call Bella is 28, female, and met him only a few times, but always said she admired our bond as she has no real siblings of her own. Only stepsiblings, but they aren’t close.”
“A few weeks ago, Bella surprised me with a f*cking tattoo she got in memory of my brother. It’s this pretty f*cking big, realistic gray scale tattoo of his face with a little snoopy icon beside it on her upper arm, with his nickname we use, and his birth AND death dates underneath.”
“When I saw this, I was f*cking stunned. She said she did it as a tribute to him and to support me because she knows how much I still struggle with grief.”
“I honestly didn’t know what to say at first, but the more I sat with it, the more it bothered me. I told her (gently, as much as I could to be honest) that I appreciated the gesture, but found the tattoo really uncomfortable.”
“Like it’s unsettling to see HIS face on MY fiancées body. Like it’s too much, especially since they barely knew each other.”
“She got upset and said I was being weird about a nice gesture and making her regret doing something beautiful—her words. Now she’s distant, and my mom thinks I should just be thankful someone loved my brother enough to memorialize him.”
“But first off, I didn’t ASK her to do this!”
“Now I’m stuck with a fiancée that won’t even talk to me properly, and my brothers perfectly black and grey eyes staring at me when I’m laying beside her. And honestly I don’t even want to think of how horrifying having sex would be with that on her arm.”
“Am I being unreasonable? A**holish? Is it in my right to ask her to get it covered up or like zoinked off?”
The OP later added :
“I’m adding some additional details because I don’t know how to respond individually. My fiancée and I both have tattoos and many of them.”
“I have smaller ones, she has bigger ones. To my knowledge, neither of us are mentally ill in any capacity and we aren’t on medication. I can’t believe I have to write this.”
“And ever since my reaction, she has been wearing longer sleeved shirts in the day time, at work she has to anyway, but that’s for home too. It’s only during bed time that I really see it with her wearing tanks.”
“And it physically hurts.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to be upset (NTA).
“Your fiancée being weirdly possessive of your grief is such a spot-on way to describe this.” ~ Reddit
“‘Grief thief’ is the term I’ve heard. It’s very weird and you’re 100% NTA.” ~ samistahpp
“She is centering herself in your grief. There isn’t a nice or innocent way to do it. She may not be aware that’s what she’s doing, but she had to know this was fk’n weird to do.”
“This would be a dealbreaker for me. I would ask they cover it or get it removed. Even then, it’s so bizarre that I don’t think I could get over or through it.”
“This is crazy to do. If she just talked about doing it, okay, but getting it done….just wow. Im honestly shocked.”
“It’s almost like she is jealous or feeling left out since she didn’t know your brother well before he passed away.”
“Maybe therapy can help her understand and you to process?” ~ CuriousPenguinSocks
“I really don’t understand her intentions, did she think that fiancé would have daily spiritual sittings with her arm instead of visiting the grave? So creeeepppyyy.”
“Also, it seems obvious, but if OP had a desire for somebody to have his brother tattooed on, he would have done it himself. How do you not think about that? It’s creepy and stupid.” ~ punica_granatum_
“Dude, this is unhinged. It shows a lack of empathy, self awareness, a need for attention, and need for all of your energy to be spent on her. This is an indication of the rest of your life.” ~ Gheerdan
“It unfortunately seems like something my daughter would do and think it was okay and nice. She would mean it in a supportive way, not realizing just how weird and over the line this is.”
“To be fair, my daughter is barely an adult and is on the spectrum, so her decisions have time (hopefully) to improve. However she is also bipolar and has a hard time with other people getting attention.”
“Unconsciously, it makes her feel less than and a little envious. Her self esteem needs work.”
“It’s possible that his fiancée is actually trying to be supportive and just went about it the wrong way, or is feeling a little envious about his close relationship to his brother, is uncertain of her place in his heart, and a little jealous that he is still grieving and not giving her as much attention as before.”
“Even if she’s not conscience of it. Or she may just be a covert narcissist and can’t handle his attention elsewhere.”
“While the tattoo is bat sh*t crazy, I would judge her based on her past actions and behavior. Not just this one thing. Although it is a really f*cked up thing.” ~ LapisLuna420
“It’s creepy af. I don’t know what she was thinking. I don’t know if it would have been better or worse if she actually knew the brother better.” ~ RavenLunatyk
“For years, my late husband wanted to get a tattoo of me in my wedding dress. I haaaaated the idea. He thought it would be a wonderful way to say that he loved me. It hurt his feelings that I wasn’t enthusiastic about the idea, so I tried to be as kind about it as I could.”
“However, I knew how stretched out and weird tattoo portraits could look, especially after a few years. Thankfully, he never got around to getting it. The idea icked me out, even though I have no problem with other people doing this. I just didn’t want to see my distorted face on his arm for the rest of my life.” ~ ChocolateCoveredGold
“Imagine trying to have sex time with your wife-to-be/wife and when you look at her, you also look at your dead brother’s face.” ~ Signal_Historian_456
“I have been a tattoo artist for 25 years, and sadly, I find this very believable. I have heard of stories even worse that that, if you can imagine.” ~ oneilltattoo
“I’ve done a huge memorial portrait, then figured out the client barely knew the person, and the longer they sat the more i realized they were actually just very mentally ill.”
“The family of the actual girl who died were very upset, and I ended up tattooing a portrait for her father, but it was so awkward trying to examine that other guys motives.” ~ carpetgrazer
“It must be hard as a tattoo artist to balance making a living with doing no harm for that small segment of clients who should not be making permanent choices.” ~ TentCardMaker
“This is a huge red flag and some real pick-me/look-at-me behavior. She barely knew the guy so got his whole face so she could wear your grief like a badge of honor.”
“This is creepy and showing some concerning behavioral crap. Put a pause on the wedding and get both of you some individual therapy.”
“I’m not gonna say breakup, but man, there are crazy signs.” ~ Weekly_Village3628
“Especially because she has to know that anyone who sees it will immediately be like, ‘oh, I’m so sorry for your loss’ without even knowing the context. It really seems like an attention thing and is pretty disturbing.”
“Also, she doesn’t get to decide that she did ‘something beautiful’. How the very creepy and weirdly selfish gesture is received is entirely up to you, OP.”
“In regard to your mother saying that at least someone loved him enough to do this, the entire point is that she didn’t love him. She didn’t even know him.” ~ deathbystereo007
Grief causes enough pain, and this only added insult to injury.
Perhaps she should have discussed this painful reminder before inking it on her skin.