It's your party, and you can cry (or blow out your candles) if you want.
Birthdays can be a special day, especially for kids.
Kids love a good birthday, and they LOVE a good cake.
One of the big highlights of the day is blowing out the candles and making a wish.
Sometimes, this special moment can be commandeered unexpectedly.
Redditor Inside_Bunch_2890 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITAH for not letting my husband relight my daughter's birthday candles for my 3-year-old to blow out?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I 32 F[emale] have seen and read plenty of stories where spoiled kids have blown out other kid's candles or thrown a fit when they're not allowed to."
"My husband, 35 M[ale], apparently has not."
"Friday was my daughter's 10th birthday."
"The day of I will make them the food of their choice and a small cake, the party is usually at a later date."
"After we ate, we got her cake ready, and my 3-year-old was very excited."
"I had explained to him all throughout the day that it was his sister's birthday, not his, so he had to wait for the cake."
"We lit the candles, sang Happy Birthday, and she blew out the candles."
"This might be where I might have been the a**hole."
"My husband grabbed the lighter and tried to relight them 'So the baby could blow them out too.'"
"I said, "NO. It's our daughter's birthday, and I refuse to allow our son to be one of those spoiled kids who can't understand it's not their day.'"
"His face fell immediately."
"He said he was just trying to help and keep the baby happy."
"We dropped it there."
"He was kinda quiet the rest of the night."
"I didn't mean to come off harsh."
"I just didn't want my daughter to feel like she had to share her day or that it wasn't all about her."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, Reddit... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. My mom made me wait until I was 12 to have my ears pierced."
"She had various vague reasons why."
"All of my friends had them pierced years earlier and wore cute earrings, so for several years, I really looked forward to having mine done."
'On the day of that big birthday, I got called down to the school office--my mom was picking me up to take me to have my ears pierced."
"I had hyped it up in my mind for weeks beforehand."
"Mom had my younger sister (8) in tow."
"I didn't think much of it because it was later in the day, and she never let my sister come home to an empty house."
"Once we got to the place where the piercing would be done, I found out she had made appointments for both of us."
"Totally ruined my birthday."
"Why did I have to wait until I was 12, but she could just get them whenever?"
"Why did I get my ears pierced as a birthday present, and she got them pierced just because?"
"I might have forgiven, but that's the kind of thing you don't forget."
"It also made me dislike my sister for quite some time, although now that I'm an adult, I recognize that wasn't her fault at all."
"Good on you for not spoiling your baby." ~ Budget_Computer_427
"I've seen the TikToks where the birthday child gets to blow out their candles and then their younger siblings, and sometimes cousins, get to also blow out the candles."
"You know what I don't see in those videos?"
"The birthday kid smiling."
"They look so sad and depressed as they watch kid after kid get to blow out the candles on THEIR birthday cake."
"Kids need to learn it's not their day."
"They get their own day where only they get to blow out the candles."
"They need to let others do the same."
"It's not 'cute' when a younger sibling gets the attention on an older sibling's birthday."
"It's taking away the specialness of the day from the actual birthday person." ~ EnfysMae
"NTA this seems to most often happen for the younger siblings only."
"Post sounds like this was the first time meaning he didn't try relighting at the baby's birthday for the daughter to also blow out."
"It's important to teach kids to let others have their days."
"It's also important not to treat siblings differently." ~ No-Accountant3744
"NTA. Your daughter's birthday isn't a teaching moment for your toddler, it's her moment."
"You're not being harsh, you're setting a boundary."
"The 'let the little one blow out the candles too' thing seems harmless until it becomes a habit that teaches them everything is about them."
"You handled it exactly right." ~ figspark392
"Actually, I would argue it is a teaching moment, and OP did the exact right thing."
"She taught her family on someone's birthday, they are celebrated and they blow out the candle."
"Everyone will get their day, no need for a 'fake' blow of the candles."
"There are other ways to keep a 3-year-old happy."
"Maybe you could have been gentler in your tone, but it's hard in the moment.'
"Have a private talk with your S[ignificant] O[ther] and explain your reasoning."
"NTA. Great parenting." ~ Tinymoonflower
"NTA - My niece/nephews are those spoiled kids you've read about."
"They're awful, and are the biggest reason we stopped hanging out with that entire side of the family."
"THANK YOU for not letting your kids become that." ~ shewearsheels
"NTA. I f**king hate that."
"That's so dumb."
"I don't care about my birthday much, but I give it honor for my mom."
"My baby cousin once asked to blow the candles out."
"And he cried when I blew them out before everyone was done singing so he wouldn't."
"They asked if I could light them again for him."
"I told them not even MY siblings got to, why should he?"
"My siblings are spread out older and younger."
"So since it was a big deal, I got a cupcake out and put a candle on."
"The whole family of kids did it in order."
"When it was his turn he didn't want to because it was no longer special since everyone did it."
"So no center of attention for him?"
"And it made his parents more mad?"
"See where this entitlement leads?"
"It doesn't even make sense." ~ poorladlemonadestand
"NTA. Kids need to learn it's not all about them and how to regulate disappointments."
"Also, it seems small but it matters between siblings."
"You should be fair."
"I just watched some old home videos and for my older sister's birthday, I wanted to blow out the candles too but they told me no and to wait for my birthday."
"Then a short while later it was my birthday, and well guess who got to blow out her own set of candles too?"
"My sister. On my birthday."
"I have felt that preference my parents have for her my entire life."
"I'm very loved but it's always hurt to know in a thousand little ways they favor her."
"The lengths they've gone to limit her discomfort have also been a disservice to her as she's become an adult."
"She's been insulated from the consequences of her poor decision-making by them time and time again." ~ heretolearnthingz
"NTA. As a teacher, thank you for not raising entitled children."
"They WILL act this way at school if you let them get away with it at home."
"Kids need to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them, and teaching them these boundaries young is imperative."
"Great job mom!!!" ~ BirdOnRollerskates
"NTA but it's not clear, was it your son or your husband who was quiet the rest of the night?"
"And also did your son ask for it or did your husband just do it by reflex?"
"Your story seems to imply that it was all your husband's doing without your son even asking for it." ~ Significant-Half-189
OP came back with an update...
"I have had a sit down with my husband, and we have come to an understanding."
"But before I get into that, I wanted to address some things."
"I received a lot of comments about 3 not being a baby."
"We are aware."
"We do not call him baby."
"First, my son will correct anyone who doesn't call him by his name."
"Second, my 10 10-year-old daughter doesn't have issues being kind and sharing."
"I didn't ask her because she's the kind of kid that will say yes to make you happy even if that's not what she wants."
"I was able to tell on her face she was happy I said no for her."
"Thirdly, 'the toddler' didn't ask to blow out the candles or show any interest in the candles."
"His sole focus was the cake."
"He didn't cry, get mad, or throw a fit."
"He was happy with his slice of cake."
"Lastly, my husband is not masagonistic and doesn't usually play favorites."
"He encourages all our kids to be the best they can be. "
"He tells the girls they can be anything they want, and being a girl will not stop them."
"His thing with the 3-year-old is he's our last, so he's trying to be as involved as he can."
Oh and as stated above this wasn't a party it was our intimate celebration before the party in 2 weeks.
"Now, on to the update."
"We had a conversation about that night. "
"I apologized for my tone and for referring to the kids as mine."
"I told him my intent was not to come off so harshly."
"I just didn't want my daughter to feel like we were taking her moment."
"He apologized for attempting to relight the candles, especially while they were still on the cake."
"He really wasn't thinking of the grand scheme."
"He just thought our son would like to have a turn."
"He did realize he wasn't thinking about how our daughter would feel, and that's why he got kind of quiet."
"He stayed thinking about our daughter after the fact."
"He had a conversation with our daughter, letting her know she's important, and he didn't mean to take away from her moment."
"So all is well in this household."
"Thank you for all your opinions on the matter!"
It's always nice to hear when there is a happy ending.
Reddit clearly had your back, OP.
There was no actual villain in this story.
Your husband had his heart in the right place.
But you were right to correct course with this kind of behavior.
Kids need to learn things like this early.
Before they become TikTok famous for bad behavior.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.