Being the sole breadwinner in a family can be important to certain people.
Some people, especially men, feel they need to fill that role.
But this can be a detriment to the welfare of the family.
So sometimes difficult choices have to be made.
Redditor Jaded-Substance-5838 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"WIBTA if I went behind my husband's back and got a job?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (38 F[emale]) have been a S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome]-M[om] for 17 years."
"My husband (44 M[ale]) is the only breadwinner (if you can call it that)."
"I've gotten a job offer that would allow me to bring in about 1200$ a week before taxes at a local grocery store."
"Every time I bring up the job offer, he shuts me down."
"All our kids are in school during the day, but they eat lunch at home."
"I'm responsible for pick up and drop off for our elementary-aged kids."
"This job would get us (mostly him, because I am listed as his dependent) off of welfare and into a better financial situation."
"Would I be the a**hole if I jumped the gun and took the job behind his back and only told him the day that I started work?"
"To be honest, getting this job would make me the main breadwinner in the household."
"He's threatened to kick me out several times."
"I just want to protect myself and my kids."
"It would also allow me to get out of the house and away from him while the kids aren't home."
"Another advantage is that I would be able to put some money aside for my escape fund."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, Reddit... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Yeah, that's rough."
"I'd say YWNBTA for getting the job, but if he's already threatened to kick you out, I'd approach it carefully because you saying 'I have a job now' might cause him to flip out and cause more headaches than it's worth in the short term."
"Go for it and get a job, but also be thinking about the impacts it'll have and how you'll navigate those because it might not be pretty."
"Obviously, I hope I'm wrong, and he ends up saying, 'Oh cool, now that you're working it's not actually that bad and I appreciate the extra money around the house,' but it makes sense to be prepared in case that isn't the situation.'" ~ hatterson
"Sounds like OP is economically trapped in a crap relationship."
"That's the biggest reason women stay with lousy partners."
"That and emotional trauma make them afraid to leave." ~ BookLuvr7
"Probably exactly why he doesn't want you working."
"He loses control over you."
"If you are planning an escape route out of this relationship, then looking out for you and the kids comes first, including getting that job and saving money and being clever and calculating about it. NTA." ~ Reddit_chitchat
"If making $2400 a month makes you the major breadwinner in a household with multiple kids, you don't have a provider in your home and he has no leg to stand on to dictate anything here."
"If the guy was pulling in multiple-six figures and wants his wife to stay home taking care of the kids, that's at least a values conversation that can be had."
"But if your household income is less than $2400 a month for a minimum of four mouths to feed you guys are deep in emergency territory."
"It's all hands on deck to bring in more money, and anyone not on that mission needs to get off the boat." ~ Explosivpotato
"Getting this job would make me the main breadwinner."
"And there it is."
"From what you describe, it sounds like he enjoys the financial power he has over you."
"If you start earning (especially more than he does) it's a threat to him."
"This might be considered financial abuse."
"I'd find a local women's shelter/counselor and ask for their solid advice as this message board isn't really the best place to be basing your decisions on."
"NTA. But be aware, this could be risky for you." ~ IamIrene
"I'm not here to speak about your marriage, and I don't want you to feel like I'm attacking it, but the fact he's shot it down every time before is concerning."
"You deserve a life away from your husband and kids, it's your life, and to be completely honest you'll be an even bigger role model for your kids, it's inspiring to see your parents work." ~ REDDIT
"NTA Right off the bat, I thought you should do it - it sounds like your family is struggling financially and this would be a big help, being 100% financially dependent on your partner is always very risky."
"Then I saw the escape fund comment - you need to get this job." ~ Jerseygirl2468
"NTA. Your husband is financially and emotionally abusing you."
"Expect it to escalate."
"Yes take the job, but be sure to have an emergency escape or backup plan."
"Can your children take lunch to eat at school?"
"The job is at a grocery store so you should be able to manage either dropoff or pickup around your hours."
"You can look into before or after-school arrangements depending on your schedule, maybe an after-school program or friends or neighbors."
"You need to get out of this situation and show your children a better life." ~ Alarming_Pop9759
"Do it. Take the job."
"$1200 a week before taxes is $30 per hour for a 40 hr week."
"That sounds pretty darn good for working at a grocery store."
"Yes, take the job, just do the math and know how this will effect your partner's welfare income."
"You might not be able to save much if your new income eliminates the welfare income, BUT this job will be your building block to get out of the marriage and improve your kid's quality of life."
"Is easier to find bigger and better work opportunities when already employed." ~ TimberRoad42
"Yikes. You are in a relationship with a very controlling man if he just says no and that's that."
"Also him not wanting you to work is very controlling."
"This sounds like financial abuse."
"He wants you to stay on welfare because then you can't leave him, you don't have the funds to do so."
"But if you got your own job, you could save on your own without him knowing."
"That's what he is afraid of."
"Don't go behind his back but just let him know you are accepting the position for your own well-being and that of the family and that's that."
"He made his decision without caring about your feelings, why do you care about his?" ~ Pretty-Scientist-848
"NTA, especially if you need that escape fund."
"But if you're going to put money away, make sure he never sees your pay slip."
"You'd also need to factor in how your earnings might affect your welfare payments."
"But the only one who can change your life is you so do it."
"The alternative doesn't sound great." ~ Yikes44
"There's a reason they say keep 'em barefoot and pregnant."
"Barefoot in the winter, pregnant in the summer, and they can't run away."
"Take the job."
"Set up a camera in the house in case he doesn't like his loss of control."
"I wouldn't tell him about it that's when shit gets dangerous."
"Also pointing out that there are plenty of resources for women and children as long as they're still children but if you wait they might only help you if you're kids are older."
"Do it now."
"Don't even wait for savings. Find a friend you can stay with or a shelter."
"Then work and save to get your kids. If he's on welfare, he probs can't afford a lawyer, and the kids will go to the mom."
"Make it known to someone if you think he'll hurt the kids if you're gone (hence the camera)."
"Remember that anything he does in retaliation is not your fault."
"He makes his own choice."
"You should be allowed yours."
"One of the things I learned as a kid is these f**kers wanna abuse something small not fight something at the same level."
"Take a defense class or just watch some videos and find someone to practice with."
"It'll boost your confidence and make it harder for him to want you in the first place bc these men look for women who will put up with nonsense."
"Not fight back." ~ Fit_Equivalent3425
"NTA. And don't tell him how much you're making, or you'll never be able to save and leave."
"You'll have so many emergencies appear out of nowhere until you're broke, then something will happen and he'll need you to quit so you can stay home for whatever reason."
"Take the job, come up with a solid plan, and whatever you do, don't fall for any of the BS that will come once you start."
"Your starting work will be the beginning of his controlling end so please keep you and your kids safe." ~ justbffr
"I'd find a way to make it happen."
"It makes sense for so many reasons, especially your own mental health."
"I just don't understand how a partner is against improving your financial situation. NTA." ~ Chuck60s
"Did I read Escape Fund?"
"He's your husband, not your master."
"It's not his decision"
"If you want the job, go for it!"
"You might want to put the money in a private account..."
"You are NTA." ~ REDDIT
OP came back with a little more info...
"Edit: I just realized that I said 1200$ a week."
"It's more like 1200$ every 2 weeks."
"I typed out this text so fast, I didn't read it over."
"Sorry for the confusion."
Reddit is with you, OP.
And Reddit is also deeply concerned.
Needing an escape fund is serious.
If you can reach out for help, please do.
If there is a safe way for you to take this job, Reddit wants you to take it!
Good Luck!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp