Some people are always looking for someone to blame.
Sometimes in situations where truly no one was at fault for anything though.
Most of the time, however, it's finding someone to blame for something they are well aware they are solely responsible for.
When these same people are confronted about whether or not they are the one at fault, they seldom take kindly to that suggestion.
The sister Redditor ArguingwsisThrowaway was facing what seemed like an insurmountable problem in her professional life.
While the original poster (OP)'s sister blamed sexism for her problems, the OP felt that her sister was very much getting in her own way.
Something the OP's sister vehemently denied and refused to believe when the OP confronted her about this.
Wondering if she stepped out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA For telling my sister that her lack of personal hygiene is the real reason no job will hire her and not sexism?"
The OP explained why she felt her sister needed a serious reality check:
"This concerns my sister 'Lily' who is graduating soon."
"Our parents taught us the importance of personal hygiene and keeping yourself presentable."
"But I guess Lily fell off the wagon while dorming in college because it feels like she dropped everything to do with personal hygiene since moving back home."
"It's easier to explain with a list of things she isn't taking care of:"
"Hair: Very oily/greasy and always tangled from lack of wash and brushing."
"Skin: Also very oily/greasy from no wash."
"Nails: Never trims so they're long and yellow from grime."
"Clothes: Clothes themselves are nice but she leaves them sloppy/wrinkled."
"Body: Showers once a week tops."
"I'm not sensitive to smell, but my sister REEKS and honestly makes me gag sometimes."
"Lily is upset because she says she can't get an in-person job in her field and wants to give up."
"Our parents have tried telling her that presentability/hygiene is as important as credentials when getting jobs, but my sister won't listen."
"Lily has a rocky relationship with our family so she takes it as a personal attack rather than them trying to help."
"Lily is now blaming sexism and says men are all just intimidated by a competent woman and that's the sole reason why she hasn't gotten a job."
"If she wants to lie to herself, it's her life."
"Whatever. What I can't stand is her trying to make it my problem and expect validation from me."
"Lily just did a bunch interviews, but all went cold after and none panned out into jobs."
"She was venting to me last week about how companies in this field are all boys' clubs and quick to shoot down a woman they know is intellectually above them."
"I was basically just like good for you, can I please finish my session in peace now?"
"Lily got defensive and said she's just warning me."
"Then doubled down saying most men are selfish and I should save myself the headache now."
"She was saying this with my male friends on the voice call."
"I had enough and told Lily that her lack of personal hygiene is the real reason no job will hire her, so stop blaming others and think for two seconds."
"If you were a company owner who needs to impress investors to keep your own family afloat, would you want to be represented by someone who looks and smells like a homeless person, or someone who is presentable and takes care of themselves?"
"We got into an argument and Lily is now either giving me one-word answers or not saying anything to me at all."
"I'll be honest that we argue a lot but Lily normally would have gotten over it by now."
"Did I do the right thing giving Lily a dose of reality or did I f*ck up here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community as in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for telling her sister that her personal hygiene was getting in the way of her professional success.
Everyone agreed that the OP's sister needed to be told to literally clean up her act, however, many also urged the OP to consider that her poor hygiene may be the sign of a more deeply rooted issue, which the OP and her family should definitely investigate:
"NTA, but I would be concerned about why Lily has let herself get to that point."
"Speaking from experience, keeping up with personal hygiene was really difficult when I was struggling with depression, but I still made an effort to look presentable when I had to go out."
"I don't know if that's what your sister is going through, but it might be worth looking into."
"That said, she also needs to learn how to self-reflect and hold herself accountable, instead of blaming other people for her failures and projecting her personal experiences onto you."
"You did the right thing by pointing it out to her, hopefully it will serve as a wake-up call."-sleepyHedgehog99
"NTA."
"If Lily's theory were true, she wouldn't even get the interviews."
"Obviously, they see her resume with her education and experience and think she might be a good fit."
"If she's getting in the door but isn't landing any jobs, she needs to realize that she's not passing the sniff test - literally."
"Let her know that because she needs backup to the reasons you're all giving her."
"It could be that she's depressed, as well."
"If her hygiene was good before and during college and it's only since she got home that she's let it go, it might be worth checking in with her about that or at least telling your parents so that they can address it."
"Good luck to you and to Lily!"- geckotatgirl
"NTA."
"I'm in a similar situation with my sister here."
"Turns out she had depression that was untreated and struggles with executive dysfunction, meaning she couldn't figure the steps out in order to get them done, and then add on top of that she struggles with the scents of our stuff at home."
"We had a chat as a family as teens about hygiene and now we're in our 30s my sister showers and brushes her teeth etc but instead of using what we use as 'adults' items she does what I do & uses children's body wash, children's tooth paste & mouth wash as that helps our sensitivity to things."
"We both have it as routines too so she has set days she showers but knows she MUST do the other hygiene stuff daily or weekly (obviously depending on the task) & for myself due to my diagnosis & mental health issues I use a visual schedule in the bathroom to help me keep track...maybe that'd help your sister?"
"The brushing hair thing may be a simple thing of it hurts her, so she won't do it, or it doesn't connect in her head to use detangling spray or leave-in conditioner to make it easier to brush, or she could get it cut."
"You were kind and sensitive about it and handled it correctly. She (Lily) needs to figure out her head and why she is behaving this way."
"Has anything changed since college?"
"Did/does she have any bad relationships outside of your family relationship?"- complexitiesundone
"Is Lily okay?"
"It sounds like this lack of self care developed while she was away for university."
"Did something happen?"
"Factually, you are correct that the lack of hygiene is likely behind lily's unemployment, but you weren't kind."
"Lily should have read the room and realised you weren't available to talk."
"ESH / NTA (can't decide which!)"
"Also, I think you and your family are missing some very serious warning signs that there's something bad going on with Lily."- quizzicaldrinker
"NTA."
"You are obviously right in your reasoning."
"But it may be that her lack of personal hygiene is a symptom of something else, perhaps a mental issue."
"I think she should be checked out by a Dr and or psychologist."
"She may not be just sloppy, but she may have a mental illness."
"Worth looking into!"- AppeltjeEitje1079
Lily isn't wrong; that sexism is rampant and far too common in this world.
However, showing up to a job interview with a lingering odor is never likely to land you a second interview, let alone a job.
As many have said, though, it sounds like it's going to take more than a reality check for Lily to change her ways.
She'll likely need professional help to clean up her act.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp