There are moments we hope to share with our family, friends, and loved ones. Either as the center of the celebration or in support of the people we care about.
When we're excluded from such events, the sting of disappointment and rejection can have a lasting effect. We might question if we're as close to the person as we thought.
We might even boycott future events because of the initial exclusion, driving a larger wedge into the relationship.
A man turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
This post was flagged "advice needed" by the poster.
JuggernautSlow4213 asked:
"AITA for skipping my brother's wedding because I wasn't invited to the engagement party?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (28, male) have a fraternal twin brother. Growing up, we were inseparable and until recently I thought we were still very close."
"I was always more of a shy nerd and he was an extrovert that played sports throughout our childhood and high school, but we spent almost all of our time together, by choice."
"We went our separate ways when college came. He stayed local in Arizona and I went to college in Portland, Oregon. My sister went to college in Florida, but moved back to Arizona after graduating."
"When I graduated, I stayed there because I fell in love with the city, my friends are here, my professional networks from internships were here, etc... But I always flew back home for holidays, events, birthdays, etc..."
"My brother announced on instagram that he and his girlfriend of 3 years got engaged. I was incredibly happy for him and texted him congrats. He mentioned they were planning to have an engagement party in 6-8 weeks and I told him to let me know so I can book a flight to come celebrate."
"I was never told a date. If I brought it up with him or anyone in my family, they'd change the subject or say it's still being planned and confirmed."
"After a few weeks I texted my brother to ask about the date because it must be getting close and I don't want to pay for a last minute flight. No response."
"I asked my mom for details and she said, 'It's not really an engagement party, just a small dinner with family. There's no need to come down for it'."
"I eventually found out that it was, in fact, a big party. They rented out an entire restaurant for 4 hours and there were about 80 guests: family, friends, cousins, everyone."
"Everyone was told I couldn't make it."
"My aunt, who was like a second mother to me, texted me that she was very disappointed I couldn't make time to join and I replied that I would have happily come, but I was not invited. Word spread quickly about my snub and my parents and brother tried to say it was just a misunderstanding."
"That was almost over a year ago. Since then I've tried to get to the bottom of why I wasn't invited."
"Over the course of months it went from, 'It was just meant to be a small gathering,' to 'I don't know what happened, there must have been a miscommunication,' to 'It's just a party. It's no big deal'."
"I asked my brother if he was mad at me, I thought maybe his fiancée didn't like me. Even if she or he didn't want me there, why were my parents OK with this? This really wasn't like them."
"Christmas and Easter were awkward as Hell because no one but me wanted to address the elephant in the room and any conversation about anything was like small talk with strangers."
"When I visited in May for my sister's birthday, I left early after my sister said, 'You moved so far away. It's like you're not really family anymore. You make everything feel so weird now'."
"Nine months ago I got the 'Save the Date' announcement for the wedding and 6 months ago I got the invitation to the wedding."
"I wasn't asked to be in the wedding party, which is fine and wasn't surprising at this point. My sister and younger brother were asked to be in the wedding party, so another snub."
"I also didn't get a +1 for my girlfriend that I've been seeing for almost a year and a half. My sister, however, got a +1 for her friend with benefits."
"So I decided I wasn't welcome and I was probably only invited for optics and to play happy family. I didn't RSVP 'no' since I knew that would cause a sh*tshow, I just didn't go."
"The wedding was this past weekend. No one contacted me about missing the rehearsal dinner, so I guess even if I did go, I wasn't invited to that either or expected to be there."
"I started getting calls and texts about an hour before the ceremony asking where I was, if my flight was delayed, how far along I will be, etc..., and I ignored them. They stopped for a while during the ceremony, but started up again right after."
"I finally picked up my mom's call and she screamed, 'Where the hell are you?' I replied, 'In Portland, where you all prefer me to be'."
"She said, 'This is your brother's wedding, how could you embarrass us?' I answered, 'It's just a party. It's no big deal, right?'."
"It was probably the first time in my life my mother was speechless. After a few seconds of silence, I said, 'Tell everyone I said hi,' and I hung up."
"Now I'm getting calls and texts from everyone saying I was being petty and ruined the day."
"So am I the a**hole here?"
"I feel like I'm just matching their energy and dropping the rope."
The OP later added:
"After I first moved for school, it was frequent calls, texts, messages, etc... from both sides."
"But after all this happened, I took some time to really evaluate what was going on and I realized that in the past few years, almost all contact was initiated by me. Unless they need money."
"It's been 10 years since I moved to Portland."
"My brother has visited about 5 times, my sister lived with me one summer for an internship here. My cousin, who is totally on my side, lived with me and two of my friends (in a 4-bedroom, of course) for two years after she transferred to the college I went to and finished her degree here."
"My parents visited twice during my college years, so over six years ago, and my little brother has no interest."
"Their excuse is that my dad hates flying and I visit them often enough, anyway."
"We're a fairly liberal family, with the exception of my Republican dad. And even then, 2016 and 2024 were the only years my father refused to vote."
"So there's no political shift creating any problems, that I know of."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was indeed just dropping the rope he'd been the only one still holding onto.
"Oh man, I'm sorry OP. That's awful. They could be visiting at least every other year, especially if the flight is only 2.5 hours. Your Dad can't be on a plane for 2.5 hours once a year? Really?"
"That's just such a lame excuse to me. You're flying down several times a year to visit and they can't be bothered to visit every other year? Why should the burden and cost of travel fall solely to you? How is that fair?"
"Ugh. I'm so mad for you. I was assuming political beliefs were maybe playing a part of this weird equation you got going on, but if that's not the case then what the f*ck? Is it really just because you moved away?"
"Have you talked to your Dad about it individually? Sometimes Dads know more than they say." ~ YellowstoneBitch
"Driving from Portland to Arizona and back isn't that hard, my 80 year old parents do it every year. They could drive." ~ Think_Panic_1449
"You'd be surprised, I live a 3h flight away from my dad (leaning towards sperm donor though) and he barely even made the effort to visit me once a year from when I was around age 14 onwards."
"I flew over once recently now that I have adult money and found out that the international flight was only $70, so I guess I'm not even worth that much to him." ~ ExhaustedPigeonn
"I feel ya OP, I live a 2.5 hour flight from my family. I've been here 10 years now, my dad has only visited once (for my grad school graduation) and my sister and brother have visited twice (for my graduation and then my wedding)."
"And, then they get mad at me when I go back home, but don't stay with them (I opt for a hotel)… but I don't stay with them because I have to literally find and wash my own bedsheets when I visit 'home'." ~ dragon_jgc
"I'd ask 'if I have the power to ruin the day - why didn't you call when I missed the rehearsal dinner? If I was so important, why didn't anyone call me in the weeks beforehand to find out why I hadn't RSVPd? To find out my flight plans? Mom, you didn't notice that I wasn't in the guest bedroom the night before?'."
"'I suspect that it "ruined the day" because OTHERS remembered my existence and wanted to see me more than you all did. It has been clear from the get go that I was not welcome and that my being there would ruin things. I wasn't invited to any of the prewedding festivities and sister said it was weird when I WAS there. My girlfriend of over a year wasn't welcome at all - so I stayed home with her. She LIKES having me around'." ~ GroovyYaYa
"Don't forget to add: 'I wasn't even given a seat at the family (wedding party) table, so where was I meant to sit if I showed up? You all have made it clear you don't see me as family so you can't be mad when I act the part'." ~ Status-Pattern7539
"Yep! I've lived this life. What it actually boils down to is jealousy that you'd actually move away to follow your dreams, while everyone else was afraid to, so they just exclude you like you aren't family anymore for having the stones to do what they couldn't."
"I'd go low contact/no contact (LC/NC) with the whole lot. That's exactly what I did, and when I finally did I was a lot happier for it. You can't let crabs in a bucket live in your mind rent free!" ~ Creepy-Macaroon9998
"Why did no-one ask about OPs flight details or picking him up from the airport? Because they don't care in the slightest. They only noticed his absence when guests started asking where he was, then they were embarrassed, not concerned." ~ Beth21286
"This gets to the heart of the matter. Even after the supposed misunderstanding, no one checked in on any stage of travel planning. OPs family started this beef… it is their responsibility to work to mend the rift. NTA." ~ AbbreviationsFree590
OP can stop trying to engage with people who don't care enough to reach out to him. As many noted, he'll be happier once he stops holding on to people who dropped him years ago.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.