Relationships can go wrong for all kinds of reasons. On one end of the spectrum, relationships can fizzle out when a person has no idea how their partner feels about them and whether their relationship has a chance of growing to be something more in the future.
On the other end of the spectrum are the people who are willing to commit to a serious relationship a little too quickly, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor EvelinaRosewood agreed to go on a first date with a guy they'd just matched with on a dating app, and the pair agreed to a calm and quiet coffee date.
But then the night before the date, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when the guy asked that they attend his cousin's engagement party instead and meet his family.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being overwhelmed that our first coffee date turned into going to his cousin's engagement party?"
The OP thought they were going on a simple coffee date with a match from a dating app.
"A guy I matched with, Dylan, asked me to get coffee Sunday at 11."
"Simple, low pressure, exactly what I like for a first meeting."
But then things escalated very quickly.
"Saturday night he texted, 'Change of plans, can you meet me at my aunt's house instead? It's my cousin's engagement party; there'll be food.' He sent an address 25 minutes away."
"I said I'd feel more comfortable doing coffee as we planned, and we could reschedule if he had to be at the party."
"He said he'd 'already told everyone' he was bringing someone, and his mom was excited. He promised it would be chill."
"I didn't want to cancel last minute, so I went."
The OP was overwhelmed by the "first date."
"It was not chill. There were about 60 people."
"His mom hugged me and asked how long we'd been together."
"His grandma asked when we were getting married."
"Dylan left me with his aunts for 40 minutes to help set up a tent."
"Someone handed me a camera and asked me to take group photos."
"I stayed two hours, thanked his aunt, and left."
The OP couldn't picture a future with someone this fast.
"That night, I told Dylan I was glad his cousin had a nice party, but that I wasn't comfortable meeting someone's whole family on a first date, and I'd rather not go out again."
"He said I was 'ungrateful' since his family was so welcoming to me."
"They were lovely. That was never the problem."
"Was I ungrateful for saying that wasn't a first date?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some immediately questioned why the OP agreed to go to the engagement party, since they wouldn't have been "canceling last minute"; their date would have been!
"NOR, but why did you even say yes to going to that in the first place?? That's insane of you."
"Please learn to say no because dumb situations like this will absolutely happen again."
"I am totally aware that we as women are molded into beings that can't say no because we must remain agreeable and keep people happy. I had so many things in my life I should have said no to."
"That's why, from this point on, OP, please, please learn to say no." - Narrow-Strawberry533
"YOR. You hurt your own d**n feelings." - Brokenbellez
"CRINGE. There was never a coffee date... NOR, but it's OK to say no. That was a wild change of plans." - mkate1999
"NOR, but I’m glad it was actually his family there for a party and not something worse waiting for you. You should definitely be more careful."
"That, coupled with the fact that his takeaway from her discomfort was that you were 'ungrateful.' The ick is so strong, I almost threw up all over the red flags!"
"OP, I’m glad you are safe and are no longer entertaining him."
"PLEASE never do that again. Predators bank on your discomfort and their 'charm' to get their marks to abandon their intuition and go to them blindly."
"NOR. There are so many issues within just this post, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were some statistics he is not only a part of but contributes to, and not in any good way." - August_underg0und
"I had a hilariously similar first date like this ages ago. I was sick of boring-a** coffee dates or walks in the same stupid park."
"The guy's uncle asked how long we were together, and I said, 'What time did we arrive? Since then,' to HUGE, guffawing laughter."
"I got to pet a bunch of beautiful dogs (the family bred and trained them for farms), and I was fed a mountain of delicious BBQ..."
"I didn't go for a second date because he got a little bit too weird about me being a girl who liked to play video games, but that 'date' itself was kind of awesome." - patchy_doll
Others simply reassured the OP that they weren't wrong to feel overwhelmed by this, no matter how "lovely" the guy's family was.
"NOR. Here's what I think is happening:"
"Dylan has been getting pressure to marry. He keeps telling his relatives to stay out of his business, but they don't. He finally tells them he's been dating someone so they'll get off his back about it, but they want to meet her."
"He matches with you, agrees to the coffee shop date, and then surprises you by changing the meeting place after you've agreed to see him because he knows that the pressure of having already agreed will probably make you agree to going to his aunt's house."
"He's right, and you went, and his scheme worked, but now he's angry that he won't be able to bring you back to see the family again." - MelonElbows
"NOR, but it's absolutely crazy that you went and played along with his shenanigans."
"I went on a second date with someone once where we went to a bar, and then he was like, 'Let's stop at this party,' and brought me to a party full of his friends and then left me with a group of strangers to go chat with his buddies."
"When they asked how I knew their friend, I told them he hired me as an escort."
"I'm surprised you didn't do something similar or at least tell everyone there that he tricked you into being there and that this was your first date??"
"You owe this man nothing. I would have gone full scorched earth and embarrassed the f**k out of that dude or at least tried to scam a bunch of leftovers out of it. D**n." - Consistent_Rip6424
"You aren't 'ungrateful' for declining to be his prop. He used you to look good in front of his mom and then abandoned you with his aunts." - zenaida_wildwood_
"Three red flags:"
"1. He didn't respect your 'no' and countered that he had already made the decision for you by telling everyone you were coming."
"2. He introduced you as his girlfriend and presented it as serious enough to meet all of them at an ENGAGEMENT party."
"3. He didn't respect your choice to not go out again and called you ungrateful."
"Red flags are not exhibited in isolation or as one-offs. They are evidence of the person's patterns and ways of thinking."
"Also, as a recovering pleaser, I implore you to recognize where you compromised your boundaries because he pushed back. You said no, he pushed back and you relented and did what you instinctively didn't want to do."
"Next time, use these behaviors as cues to identify problem people and just leave them behind." - Emotional-Crab2812
"NOR. This is a good lesson to stick to your boundaries and gut feeling."
"Don‘t go to a party you don‘t want to! No guy is worth that. And even more so, if a guy can‘t deal with a reschedule, he is not the one for you."
"So good riddance, Dylan. Tell him you want your $ 40 back."
"Oh. And that was also definitely not a 'change of plans.' That was Dylan‘s plan all along. He sprang it on you the night before, so you would be more likely to go through with it." - Accomplished-Stay308
"NOR. Lesson learned. Listen to your gut, it’s never wrong! You sound like a good person."
"There’s a reason everyone was so excited to meet you. He’s a liar and manipulative. He sounds self-centered and has a lying and gaslighting problem."
"He absolutely knew about the party, told everyone he was bringing his 'girlfriend,' and found someone who would agree to that day. He absolutely had more than one person 'on the hook' and managed to land you for the day. He has very serious mental health issues, I'm guessing, or at least ample undateable qualities." - Castaway_LXIII
"Dylan is really inconsiderate and cares more about his appearance than about your comfort. So I think you dodged a bullet here, and at least you got to find out early!" - orange_donuts
The subReddit completed understood why the OP was overwhelmed by that event of a first date and why she wasn't interested in going on another day.
It was shocking to some that she agreed to go in the first place, but everyone could understand that this relationship was moving too fast for the OP, while it seemed pretty obvious to everyone that Dylan was looking for someone he could date to quiet his family down.
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