Friendship means you help each other.
The issue, though, is that some people use this mindset to take advantage of the people around them and then discard those friends when they’re no longer useful.
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Ill-Wallaby3083 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for saying I don’t want to plans my friends birthday after not being invited to her wedding?”
OP began with some background.
“Okay so I first met my friend *Jane (F29) studying abroad.”
“We were really good friends during our travels and after college we actively stayed in touch visiting each other in our respective different cities.”
“I met her bf *Bob (now husband) when they first started dating and have met her college friends and parents.”
“Bob and Jane decided to move to my city right before Covid so during lockdown we were in each others bubbles – we’ve celebrated each others birthdays, we’ve had Friendsgiving, Christmas parties together etc.”
“2021 Bob and Jane got engaged in August and when they came back I threw them a engagement party.”
“I bought her this wine glass that said ‘wedding planning wine glass’ and every time she used it she would text me a photo of her with it.”
“In 2022 I threw Bob a 30th birthday party.”
But then things took a turn.
“But then this was also the first year I wasn’t invited to her birthday.”
“I had texted Bob asking what the plan was and he told me they were going out of the state for her birthday – however on Instagram I saw them posting pictures of them renting a cabin with some friends…so I felt awkward.”
“Then I wasn’t invited to the Bachelorette party – I didn’t find this too big of a deal because Jane has some really close childhood friends and sorority friends but then nothing about the wedding.”
“The wedding happened this May, and it was a big wedding – like 200 people probably and I wasn’t invited.”
“I was really hurt to say the least but I didn’t say anything.”
“I just tried to move on – I haven’t talked to them really since before the wedding – they didn’t wish me a happy birthday and they couldn’t attend my birthday shindig cause they were out of town.”
“I’m noticing that if I don’t reach out to either of them, they don’t reach out to me at all.”
“Now Bob has reached out and asked me to plan Jane’s birthday party cause he says ‘I’m the best at planning these things’ and I told him I was hurt about not being invited and he said ‘well we had limit space don’t make it a big deal we want you to be at her birthday.’
OP was left to wonder:
“I really don’t want to do it and I don’t really feel any desire to be friends with them – am I being a petty a*hole?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some pointed out the ulterior motives.
“NTA.”
“How are they not gunna invite you to their wedding then expect you to not only come to their bday party but help plan it????”
“They obviously don’t view you as a friend but as an event planner. Dump them.” ~ aobcd8663_
“OP should agree and charge for her services since they obviously only see her as someone to plan events. She can offer them an old acquaintance discount of five percent.” ~ Accomplished_Two1611
“Yep, NTA. My pettiness wants OP to respond to Bob with her hourly fee for event planning.” ~ munchkinnnnnnn
The pettiness of Reddit…
“I’d be hella petty and say ‘sure I’ll plan it, just make sure you invite all the people and tell them this address at this date and time, the rest is a surprise’ and then do absolutely nothing.” ~ lydocia
“Pals enough, my petty @ss would take on the role and set up a party at Chuck e cheese. They’ll be mad at first, but the tokens for the games will make up for it.” ~ RazorRamonReigns
Some had maturity in mind.
“I’d just tell him this:”
‘”This isn’t just about the wedding, Bob.'”
‘”I haven’t talked to either of you since before the wedding and this is the first time in [x number of months] that either of you have been the one to reach out to me instead of the other way around, and it’s to ask me to do something for you.”‘
“‘Whether you and Jane intended it or not, you guys have made me feel like you view me only in terms of what I can provide for you, not as a friend.'”
“‘If Jane and I have just grown apart, that is fine; but you need to find someone else to plan and throw the party, because it is not okay to ask me to do this as if we’re still close friends.”‘
‘”If they argue and call you petty, or dramatic or whatever to deflect and dismiss the issue, you can either ignore them and stop responding or just say.”
‘”I hope you guys have a good life, but at this point, I am stepping out of it and would appreciate it if you stopped contacting me.”‘
“(I’d be a petty little b*tch and add in ‘which shouldn’t be too hard considering you never reached out to me before’ at the end. But maybe don’t kick the hornets’ nest…)”
“If, by some small chance, they apologize and acknowledge their wrongs in this, then I would suggest simply thanking them for the apology but reiterating that you will not be planning the birthday party and that you no longer wish to continue the friendship and wish them well.” ~ Thriillsy
“NTA.”
“Your feelings are valid after not being invited to major events despite your consistent efforts in the friendship.”
“It’s not petty to not want to plan the birthday; you’re not obliged to maintain a friendship where you feel undervalued.” ~ jemann87
Bad faith friends.
“NTA but you’ll be a doormat if you help plan the birthday.”
“I was in a very similar position you were 3 years ago.”
“Meet this couple 6 years prior and they were alone.. no family, no friends and living in a dump.”
“Put in a lot of my finances to help furbished their house, gave them funds to help with their business and celebrated their birthdays, and bought them gifts every Christmas..”
“They don’t even know when my birthday was.”
“Similar to you, they started making new friends.. still asked me for financial help mind you but they were too busy to catch up and once ask me to help with their groceries only to find out they did a birthday party with the money and invited their other friends..”
“A lot of other ‘entitled’ demands happened … and I had to tell them not to call me again.”
“I think you need to do the same, OP. They are not good people..” ~ ChocCooki3
“Holy Sweet Mary….. You are definitely NTA”
“I feel sorry you became friends with people like that.”
“They are worse than enemies because, at least, your enemies don’t hide their true nature.”
“These so-called ‘friends’ of yours are leeches who simply pick and choose what they can get from you and don’t value your friendship as much as you value them.”
“You have shared intimate birthday parties with them in the past, threw them engagement parties but to be left out of their wedding is kinda a slap in the face.”
“They might as well spit on your friendship as far as I am concerned.”
“The best thing to do for your mental health is to ditch a-holes like that and shut them out of your life.”
“I can only foresee further mental anguish and you questioning your value to the relationship when your contributions and efforts are taken for granted.”
“I would be honored to have friends who throw surprise parties.” ~ anhtar
“Honestly, you’re NTA for not feeling like planning anyone’s birthday if you don’t feel like – even regardless of the fact that they clearly aren’t your friends and just use and abuse you.”
“Even if they were fine friends – you’re not their event organizer, and absolutely NTA for saying no.”
“You deserve actual friends who don’t reach out only when they need something.” ~ Long_Way_Around_
“They’re only keeping u around because they know you plan good events.”
“They’re what I call leeches: people who want to benefit off of you without really giving u anything back.”
“If you’re gonna Olán for a birthday party, ask for a fee ✨ that’s my opinion.” ~ GuidanceSpecific4408
OP did return with some clarity.
“To clarify about the Bob’s birthday party – Jane asked me to help plan it – that was the last time I’ve seen them in person (March 2022).”
In every relationship, whether it’s a friendship or a romance, or a family, there’s a give and take.
The trouble can come when one part of that relationship takes more than it gives.
It’s no wonder OP was asking themself, “what gives?”