A person knowing their worth can often lead to personal friction.
People with special talents often face criticism for not doing stuff for free, especially from family.
When someone's talent is also their way of life, this can become a "taking advantage of" situation.
Redditor Senior_Squirrel_9493 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for leaving my step-sister's wedding reception where I was supposed to be taking pictures?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am a professional photographer."
"Mostly industrial photography for businesses and such."
"I do other types for myself and as art."
"I love taking pictures of the old architecture in my city and of the surprising wildlife in it."
"My mom asked if I would be willing to take pictures of my step sisters' wedding to help them save money."
"She asked me to do it as a gift."
"She knows that Tina hates me and I pretty much reciprocate."
"I decided to be the bigger person and agreed."
"I was there for the makeup and the wedding party getting dressed."
"I took a ton of pictures at the wedding."
"I prepared a checklist of all the different formals she wanted and made sure I got them all."
"I did my absolute best."
"When I got to the reception, there was no place for me to sit."
"I had gotten there right away so I could get pictures of the wedding party arriving and all that."
"The wedding party had stopped to use the bathroom and get freshened up."
"I called my mom to find out where I was meant to sit and eat and stuff."
"She talked to Tina and called me back."
"She was upset, and I could tell."
"She said that Tina thought since I was working and not a guest she didn't have to have a seat and food for me."
"I thanked my mom for the information and left."
"I took my boyfriend, who was my assistant that day, and we went out for dinner, my treat."
"We had been on the go for eight hours by then."
"I turned off my phone."
"We had a nice night out, and we saw the new Mad Max movie."
"Sunday morning, I turned on my phone."
"It was full of messages asking where I went."
"Then demanding I come to take pictures."
"Then cursing me out."
"I called my mom to see what was up."
"She said that Tina was very upset that I left and that all her reception pictures were going to be from cell phone cameras."
"She said I should have just gone to get a quick bite at McDonald's and then come back."
"I told her that I felt terrible and would of course give a full refund."
'I also said that this was the last straw and that I did not want to hear s**t when I did not invite Tina to my wedding next year."
"Tina obviously thinks I'm an a**hole and my mom thinks I should have kept the peace."
"I am just going to drop off a thumb drive with all the pictures and wash my hands of this."
"No editing. No nothing."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for leaving my step-sister's wedding reception where I was supposed to be taking pictures?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. My girlfriend does wedding photos."
"I am often along as her helper."
"Even when we aren't related to the bride and groom, we always get fed."
"We are usually at a back table away from everyone, which is fine since we have a big bag of stuff to keep away from kids."
"Your step-sister is TA."
"She played a dumb game and got the prize she deserved."
"Your mom is a little as well."
"I know how much my girlfriend charges for a wedding."
"You gave a very expensive gift to someone you do not like."
"I did enjoy that you offered a full refund." ~ No_Lavishness_3206
"Yes, exactly. There should always be food for the photographer and assistants."
"They aren't slaves who work a full grueling day only to watch others eat without complaint. NTA." ~ geekylace
"As a former wedding photographer, it was actually in my contract I had to eat the same food as the rest of the guests."
"'Vendor meals' supplied by the venue are the worst."
"Basically they gave anyone working the wedding like the DJ or the photographers sandwiches to keep the cost down." ~ puskunk
"As someone who has worked as an independent contractor for weddings in my past, I actually think this is a great idea."
"That way the vendors can manage their food independently and at times that are convenient for them."
"They're also not stuck wondering what food is going to be left for them if any, and if they have dietary restrictions, this is more flexible."
"Even if they didn't use the entire $60, the option was available for them to do so."
"You earn an A+ from me!" ~ SceneNational6303
"NTA. It's not even a question that you feed your photographer!"
"Also, stepsister is awful."
"I guarantee there was extra food in the back. Mom is too."
"She should've offered you her plate and seat for forcing you into this situation." ~ LostImagination4491
"I assisted a friend in shooting a wedding."
"Midway through dinner the bride insisted we take a break and personally led us out into the hallway to where a little cafe table had been set up... white tablecloth, centerpiece, the works."
"She apologized for it being in the hallway, saying she thought we'd like a little quiet away from 'the chaos.'"
"It was a beautiful historic building, and the hallway was spectacularly art deco and every bit as fancy, if not more so than the reception room itself, so we weren't exactly languishing out in a bare stairwell or something. 😎"
"My friend shot a lot of weddings in her time and said that it was the best she had ever been treated, the best wedding food she'd ever had, and they were definitely one of the coolest couples ever."
"OP's stepsis is an entitled c-word to treat ANY vendor like that, let alone a family member doing a very, very expensive service for free. "
"And mom is little better for defending her abhorrent actions for the sake of 'peace.'" ~ Competitive-Metal773
"NTA and Mom saying you should have gone to McDonald's to grab a quick bit."
"F**k that noise!"
"Mom should have reamed out your step-sister and told her you'd be leaving!"
"Your mom not standing up for you is totally unacceptable."
"Even at prom the photographer, videographer, DJ, and the paid duty police officers are all provided food, this is standard practice."
"I was also a banquet server to put myself through uni and food was never not provided them at the over a hundred weddings I served."
"Your step-sister cheaped out because she doesn't like you."
"Well played a stupid game and won a stupid prize."
"I also wouldn't give a refund, you earned that money for the 8 hours you worked." ~ Ok-Knowledge9154
"NTA. OP, you should have gone completely no contact with Tina a long time ago if you don't have any type of relationship with her."
"Considering that Tina didn't even consider her own sister a guest and treated you like a temp employee, you had every right to walk out of this wedding."
"From here on, do not include Tina in your life ever again." ~ Popular_Document1399
"NTA. I used to do wedding catering and have never ever heard of a photographer not getting a seat somewhere or not being fed."
"It's rude and a slimy thing to do when someone is working for you for an entire evening without eating?"
"And nowhere to sit? nope, I say NTA." ~ vvveeevv
"NTA, I loved the full refund retort." ~ Sodamyte
"Gold. But even more so on the nose."
"Paid wedding photographers get fed."
"OP did this as a wedding gift."
"As in no pay."
"Wedding gifts are given by guests."
"If OP wasn't a guest, then isn't obligated to give any sort of gift."
"Now I'm imagining a bunch of people showing up at the reception, walking past the table that the gifts are to be left on, and then being turned away by security by not being on the guestlist."
"That's what stepsister was trying to do." ~ Various_Froyo9860
"NTA. At my own wedding, and those I have attended, the photographer (and any assistants) sat down and ate."
"I thought that was just common sense."
"You mentioned you do take professional pics of business and architecture."
"Do you have a website?"
"What are the odds of her (and various friends and family) leaving a bunch of negative reviews that may harm your business?"
"I would hope that the Bride wouldn't be so petty, but, it just crossed my mind."
"By the way, I love architecture pics!"
"People think I'm weird for that... LOL." ~ pinkflamingo-lj
"NTA. You're doing an epic favor that you'd normally get paid well to do."
"You're doing this for someone who doesn't like you."
"Then you find out that they intentionally snubbed you."
"Even if the photographer didn't have seating/food, the step-sister should have that."
"It was intentional."
"You left after being snubbed."
"I would have done the same thing."
"If they scream, then you could just say 'What's it say in the contract?'"
"Assuming there isn't one) and that should end it. HAH!" ~kuken_i_fittan
"NTA your mother is delusional."
"As a wedding gift means you are also a guest or get at least treated with a meal and drinks."
"Since Tina thought you were working you should send her an invoice if she wants any pictures." ~ UnhappyCryptographer
"NTA. Delete the pictures."
"She didn't pay you."
"She hates you."
"You have zero relationship and owe her nothing." ~ No_Addition_5543
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You're not a servant. You're family.
Tina needed a reality check.
Good luck with your wedding.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.