Not everyone loves their birthday.
In fact, the older some people get, the harder they try to avoid the day.
But other people love the thrill of birthday celebrations.
It's Christmas every other day.
This doesn't always lead to a successful meeting of the minds.
Redditor Weird-Wealth-7998 found himself in a dilemma regarding the celebration of his birthday, so he turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Like AITA, the AITAH subreddit lets posters ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
"AITAH for breaking up with my bf after his bday gift?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (M[ale] 30) grew up in an abusive household."
"I used to enjoy celebrating birthdays, but now I only feel negative."
"My parents had a big argument during my birthday party when I was 11, and they made a scene."
"All my friends left, and it was very awkward."
"During my 13th birthday, they fought, and my mom threw my cake to the wall and walked out; then my dad left the house and didn't return for over a week."
"Just some of the examples off the top of my head."
"I grew up not caring about birthdays, and I tried to avoid them as much as I can."
"None of my friends know when my bday is, and I deliberately keep it a secret."
"Big deals annoy me."
"My B[oy]F[riend] (M 31) and I have been dating for nearly a year now, and he just cares TOO MUCH about it."
"His bday was last month during a weekday, but we only see each other on the weekends, so I celebrated his bday a few days earlier and gave his gifts then."
"It wasn't anything big, just a shirt that suits his style and a manga book."
"I didn't send a special message on his bday because, in my mind, we already celebrated it."
"But he said the day after that he was a tad disappointed that I didn't send him a special message."
"I said he was right and I am just learning the bday customs with him."
"I am a bit uncomfortable about bdays as a whole, but not as much as I imagined I'd be.
"Anyway, last week was my bday."
"The week prior, I told him that he doesn't need to do anything big about it."
"I don't really care much about it."
"He didn't take me seriously at first."
"He thought I was being humble, but I was being honest."
"On my bday, he called me after work and asked how work was."
"I said usual stuff, and he was surprised no one celebrated my bday."
"I rolled my eyes and said no one knows when my bday is and I don't want people to know."
"I don't feel comfortable celebrating it in public like that."
"I explained to him numerous times how I don't like it, but he just doesn't comprehend the idea of someone actually not caring about birthdays."
"I find it a tad difficult to explain to him so many times only for him to not get it."
"Last weekend he said he had a surprise and I said I hope it's not anything big."
"Turns out it was something too big."
"I don't want to give too many details, but his bday idea was celebrating it on a cruise ship with a lot of strangers around and having my name written somewhere a lot of people I don't know will see."
"Not only is it uncomfortable, but I also find it irresponsible to spend such money for something as useless as this."
"I would rather save that money and invest for our future."
"Our goal is to buy a house, and it is nearly impossible today, so we can't spend too much money on useless stuff like that."
"I canceled the events and said I'm sorry, but you just don't get it."
"Been thinking about it and said I don't think this relationship works."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP WAS the A**hole here.
"YTA. Buddy."
"You care about birthdays."
"You care a lot."
"So much so that you want to avoid any mention of your bday."
"You need to deal with that truth, because telling someone you don't care is essentially saying 'don't worry if you don't do anything for my bday, but I'll love whatever it is you do if you do something.'"
"It is not fair to your BF to tell him you don't care about what he does for your bday and then care enough to break up with him over it." ~ Otherwise-Shallot-51
"Telling him you 'don’t care about birthdays and don’t think it’s a big deal' is very different than telling him you DO NOT WANT to celebrate your birthday, especially in public because it will bring up your past traumas."
"Communication could be clearer."
"He was trying to make it special for you, probably because he wants you to make his special for him."
"Two different wavelengths here." ~ _mandycandy
"NTA but 100% over-reacting."
"My partner and I are the exact same."
"I grew up to expect chaos and horror on my birthday and now don't celebrate it or talk about it."
"My partner turns his birthday into a month-long affair and desperately wants to celebrate mine."
"So I explained why I can't do a big to-do with mine, and although he can't fully understand, he now respects and honors it."
"So instead, we picked a month that isn't my birthday, and sometime during that month we do a big event with friends for no reason other than cause it's fun."
"We host a party or do a murder mystery or play game night... whatever."
"Then my partner gets to feel like he can recognize me without it being about me."
"However, if your partner cares about his birthday- you gotta find a way to be okay and celebrate it or, at the bare least, acknowledge it on the actual day."
"You not liking your birthdays should be as respected as his liking his."
"If the issue instead is you don't like any celebratory things that are connected to dates or in general- that's okay, but then the convo becomes about what compromise can happen instead or if the match between you is too incompatible."
"It sounds to me like part of the issue is you've accommodated your own needs for so long, you've lost sight of how to be interdependent and relational about them (likely because that was never modeled)."
"I get that and have all the compassion for that- it does, however, mean you require some actual therapy around being in a relationship as your whole person with your history."
"It's time as an adult to take care of you with learning some healthy communication and boundaries and less relying on the reactive, maladaptive ones that kept you safe when you were young."
"And that's okay."
"We don't choose what happened to us- but we do get to choose now. 🩵" ~ NoFill8557
"You're so very right."
"I was raised in a cult that didn't do birthdays or personal celebrations."
"Since I left it, I've had to learn what it means to other people and celebrate their things for them and the way that is meaningful for them."
"OP definitely didn't communicate that they wanted nothing at all (zip, zero, nada) to celebrate his own birthday."
"Being mad it was celebrated is an overreaction because they didn't use their words clearly and directly." ~ lifeinsatansarmpit
"YWBTA if you break up with him without talking about it."
"He obviously doesn't get that it's actually a triggering day for you and he wanted to make it special."
"I imagine it feels like he didn't hear you, ignored you, or didn't respect your wishes."
"If you love each other, then you need to talk about it and see if you can resolve it."
"However, if you think that this situation represents a wider issue like his values or tendencies that are a deal breaker for you, then I would say NTA." ~ Financial_Eye_400
"If this is the exact wording you’ve used with him, YTA and you are overreacting."
"Saying 'Oh I don’t really care about my birthday, we don’t have to do anything' is vastly different than telling him outright that you do not want to celebrate."
"I bet if he knew the history and your true feelings about it, he would be gentler with his approach."
"It sounds like he is truly just trying to do special things for you and doesn’t understand that it isn’t that you don’t want to inconvenience him, but you actually don’t want any sort of birthday attention."
"You guys have different experiences and thoughts toward birthdays, and that’s fine, but you both need to recognize those differences and adjust accordingly." ~ stanknastymcdoober
"OP, this is the kind of non-toxic compatibility issue that it's possible to talk through, if both parties see value in the relationship."
"There's a failure to understand feelings and discontinuity in love language, but no toxicity or meanness here."
"So if you like the guy and would like to keep going if not for this... talk about it."
"Talk about your pasts, and ways to show love that do and don't work for you both." ~ Echo-Azure
"YTA. Not calling a significant other on their birthday is a huge slap in the face to them."
"Your significant other tried to do something nice for you, and you essentially slapped them in the face."
"Even if it was a little over the top."
"I came from a similar household. I got counseling to work through that."
"The last thing I wanted was to bring others down to my level of not enjoying things, that the large majority of people do enjoy."
"You need to work on yourself." ~ Ok-Instruction9353
"YTA. Go to therapy to work through your trauma so you stop trying to drag everyone else down with you."
"And no wonder your BF was sad!"
"All you had to do was send him a message on his actual birthday!"
"It won’t kill you!"
"You made the point to him of ‘I don’t give a sh*t about you and the date you came into the world is meaningless.'" ~ KurtTheCuntBoi
Reddit has taken issue with you, OP.
Your BF is trying to make you happy.
There is no malicious intent involved.
Breaking up may be a tad over the top.
u/Dismal_Condition_824/Reddit