It might not always feel convenient or like we have time to dedicate to it, but it's incredibly important that we shower regularly and that we shower well.
That, of course, includes thoroughly washing our hair, brushing our teeth, and using soap on our skin, clarified the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Honest-Draw3131 was living with her boyfriend, and their shared spaces were negatively impacted by her boyfriend's showering habits, which did not include using soap.
When she brought this up to him, and he accused her of having too high of standards for cleanliness, the Original Poster (OP) felt like he was gaslighting her.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting, or is it not normal to use soap in the shower?"
The OP came to the subReddit at a loss for what to think.
"I feel ridiculous even asking this, but I honestly don't know if I'm missing something or being gaslit."
"I'm a Black woman, and my boyfriend is white. This is the first white man I've ever dated, which is relevant, because I keep wondering if I'm misunderstanding something cultural."
The OP's boyfriend did not feel the need to use soap when he showered.
"My boyfriend does not regularly use soap when he showers. He says he rinses with water and that soap is optional unless you're visibly dirty."
"He will sometimes use shampoo, but body soap is inconsistent at best. He also doesn't always use soap when washing his hands in the bathroom and says hot water is enough."
"When I brought this up, he told me that I'm overreacting and that this is 'a white people thing' and that I'm judging him through my own cultural lens."
"He said growing up, his family didn't obsess over soap the way mine did, and that my expectations are based on how I was raised, not on what's medically necessary. He said different ethnic groups get dirtier at different rates, so he does not need soap as often as I do."
"This really threw me. In my family and community, soap is not optional. You shower daily, you use soap, you wash your hands properly, and you use a bar of soap to wash your a**. It's basic hygiene. I've never had to explain this to an adult partner before."
But her boyfriend's habits were really beginning to impact their home.
"The problem is that it affects shared spaces. Our towels smell. Our sheets smell faster than they should."
"I question his bathroom and backdoor hygiene because sometimes there is a poop smell when we are intimate."
"He insists I am imagining it because Black people are too uptight about using soap all the time and using washcloths. He even makes fun of me for using washcloths!"
"I've had to rewash laundry because things don't feel clean."
"I feel uncomfortable inviting people over because I'm worried the house smells off, even if he insists I'm imagining it."
"When I push back, he says I'm being judgmental and culturally insensitive and that I need to stop projecting my standards onto him. He says if I really understood him, I'd realize this is normal where he comes from and that I'm making it into a bigger issue than it needs to be."
The OP was at a loss for how to make this situation better.
"Now I'm stuck questioning myself. Is this actually a cultural difference I should be more open-minded about, or is this just bad hygiene being dressed up as something deeper?"
"I don't want to be unfair or ignorant, but I also don't want to live like this. I feel like his bad hygiene is negatively impacting my life, and I don't have any white female friends to ask."
"Am I overreacting for being bothered by this, or is it reasonable to expect soap to be non-negotiable in a shared home?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that her boyfriend's gross habits were his and his alone.
"Everyone uses soap except for the OP's boyfriend."
"This isn't a white thing. This is an OP's boyfriend thing. Sounds like she picked one of those guys we've been hearing about who smells like literal s**t because he doesn't wash or wipe properly."
"He also sounds highkey racist, saying certain ethnic groups get dirtier quicker than others. I'd get rid of him if I were OP, this is not fixable." - Sad-Midnight-6217
"Also, white isn't a culture. No culture wants to claim this filthy, poop-covered, racist pig." - Only_Hour_7628
"NOR. White woman here. I use bar soap, hand soap, shampoo, and other products every day! I also have deodorant, spray, perfume, and decent laundry detergent, too."
"This has nothing to do with skin color. Your boyfriend is nasty, lazy, and apparently didn't learn how to properly clean himself." - PNL-Maine
"That's a dirty person thing, not a white person thing. Your boyfriend just never learned proper hygiene."
"I've heard there are cultural differences in terms of using washcloths or not, as opposed to loofahs and other tools, but soap is necessary to clean yourself... Does he wash his hands after a poop?!"
"And is he not using soap for clothes? Water alone doesn't get things clean. Have him put marker on himself and see how long it takes to come off with just water." - ZennMD
"OP is NOR. Break up with him until he learns to scrub his filthy a** in the shower and AFTER a crap! Spritz him when he's coming out of the bathroom without using soap. He'll get into the habit."
"Or even frame it as concerns like, 'Boyfriend, I noticed some concerning habits around hygiene... would you be opposed to getting into the habit of using soap around your crotch/armpits during showers so that you don't smell like a** all of the time, especially during sex?'" - SuperbDimension2694
"Seriously, 'cultural difference'?! All cultures should be using soap!!"
"Your boyfriend is disgusting, and I question you, as well, because what the f**k do you mean it smells like s**t when y'all are having sex?! This is how infections start, too. Please go find someone who understands basic hygiene because this is truly insane." - typical_lame
Others could not look beyond the boyfriend's many racist remarks.
"I might need my own 'Am I Overreacting' post, because isn't suggesting 'different ethnic groups get dirtier at different rates' racist? Is he not just saying Black people are dirtier, and that's why they use soap?! I swear, he and his family must be racist as all h**l." - 4humans
"Are we just gonna gloss over the racist little 'different ethnic groups get dirtier at different rates, so he does not need soap as often as I do' comment??"
"He literally won't even wipe or wash his own s**t off of himself, but because he's white and you're not, he's still cleaner than you?"
"Beloved, I don't know what has happened in this relationship to witness and experience his filth and have you thinking you're overreacting, but I swear to you, you are not. You deserve so much more than a filthy, s**t-covered, racist white man. NOR." - TATOMC13
"What the f**k? How does SKIN COLOR or ETHNICITY account for cleanliness? Dirt isn't attracted to one color of skin or ethnic background!" - OkamiKhameleon
"NOR!"
"White woman here who was raised using soap to wash all parts of my body, including hand soap for hands, and washcloths as well."
"I cannot believe the audacity of this dirty white man to imply that you get dirtier faster because you're Black. That is disgusting, and you deserve to be with someone who does not try to weaponize your race against you for his own shortcomings." - HatsOffToEwe
"OP, please do not doubt yourself on this. His being gross and stubborn is one thing, but trying to disguise his blatant racism as a cultural thing is downright despicable."
"Plus, whether he knows it or not, trying to flip it on you like you're the one being 'culturally insensitive' is a form of gaslighting. I know breaking up with a partner you're living with is SO much easier said than done, but the behaviors you've described indicate the kind of red flags that will almost certainly undermine your sanity and self-worth over time, even if you win the battle about soap."
"Please take care, and know that you deserve a partner who listens, values you, and knows how to wash his a** (45-year-old white girl here, for reference)." - McDancerson
The subReddit was absolutely disgusted on the OP's behalf, not just because her boyfriend had terrible personal hygiene habits and refused to take accountability for them, but because his comments about why she shouldn't be concerned were inherently racist.
The OP deserved a romantic partner who was clean and respectful of her, their shared home, and even of themselves. If her boyfriend couldn't provide that, she was better off being single than putting up with the increasing smell.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.