A funny thing about dating is that we could technically date someone for a really long time and still find that there are things about them that we don't know.
It's only once we move in with them that we start to uncover some of the hidden pieces, and unfortunately, some of them may be deal breakers, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Such-One-1691 had been dating his girlfriend for over three years and was eager to take the next step with her, but when they moved in together, he discovered that she did not take care of herself in the way he expected her to.
When they discussed cleanliness and personal hygiene, the Original Poster (OP) was concerned that her habits still had not improved after several months of living together.
He asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for not wanting to sleep in the same bed as my girlfriend because she doesn't shower often?"
The OP discovered something about his girlfriend after they moved in together.
"My girlfriend (27 Female) and I (27 Male) live together. We’ve been together for about three years and moved in together about six months ago."
"She will shower maybe twice a week. I shower every night before bed because I think it’s gross not to."
"Miraculously, she doesn’t really have body odor, and for the most part, her showering habits don’t bother me."
It was impacting the OP's ability to bond with his girlfriend.
"I am starting to not want to sleep in the same bed with her at night. I can’t stop thinking about her skin being dirty."
"She commutes to work by public bus and then spends all day teaching at an elementary school. Sometimes she goes to physical therapy after work, and she still won’t shower."
"I think it’s nasty not to wash your body before getting into bed after all of that, and it makes me not want to cuddle up and sleep next to her and share sheets and blankets with her."
Not much changed when the couple discussed their differences.
"I told her (in a much gentler way) how I was feeling, and she was really hurt but said she’d try to do better about showering before bed."
"That was a couple of months ago, and things haven’t improved much, so I recently started sleeping on the couch."
"She asked me why, and I told her again how I felt, and again, it hurt her feelings a lot."
"She said I should be more understanding because she’s exhausted at the end of the day, and showering is just difficult for her."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned if this relationship could last if the OP was grossed out by his girlfriend.
"Dude, if you're repulsed by the thought of sleeping with your girlfriend, then this relationship isn't going to work out." - Outgrathe
"Disgust in your partner is a sure sign it’s about to be over." - ProductiveChaos
"She has a hygiene routine that grosses you out; you two may not be compatible." - LunaAltruista
"Strictly speaking, it is not necessary and may even be bad for your skin to shower daily. I don't think that's a reasonable expectation to have of your partner if they're not visibly dirty."
"The obsessive language OP uses certainly does lean into OCD territory, so yeah, a therapist would be a great choice."
"Here's a compromise that might work for both of you. She showers more frequently, and you wash the sheets more frequently. Now you're both working for each other! D'awwwwwww." - Tomahawk513
"NAH. On the one hand, there is a simple fix here, and it is your girlfriend taking a quick shower at night before bed. You are NTA for asking for that."
"On the other hand, you flat out say she doesn't stink, and you seem to have some obsessive imagining happening ('I can’t stop thinking about her skin being dirty.'). She is NTA for expecting you to do some self-reflection and some work on how your thoughts are grabbing hold of you."
"Maybe this just is not a compatible relationship. Or maybe you could make some great strides by working with a therapist to see if you have a germaphobia issue and could learn some coping skills. I'd hate to see you throw away the one for you when you could just need a little help to understand yourself and your thought patterns better." - StopSpinningLikeThat
"There may be some room for compromise, but if she isn’t actually noticeably gross, that’s more of a psychological issue to move past or find someone with similar preferences."
"Noticeably gross and hasn’t showered at night prior to bed can be wildly different, so it’s one thing if he only (somehow) saw her on nights she showered prior to moving in together, but it’s another if he just didn’t get this particular ick until he knew her routine."
"The fact that he seems not to have noticed and still doesn’t think she smells, even now knowing the routine, seems to point to the latter being the case."
"I do think it’s fine if that’s someone’s preference (to shower prior to bed/have a partner that does so as well), but also it’s something that can be a dealbreaker that you need to have realistic standards for yourself and partners on. Not so much so as something more binary (wanting kids, for instance), so compromise can be made."
"But it’s like someone’s ideals on how clean to keep a house- some people want it immaculate, others have a higher tolerance, and don't mind some mess. You gotta find someone who falls within a reasonable amount of your own tolerance, and both be flexible. Something for op to keep in mind if this ends up being too much of an incompatibility for this relationship." - Peerdata
Others pushed back and questioned what the problem was if the girlfriend wasn't stinky or visibly dirty.
"I shower daily because I have greasy skin and don't want to smell. But unless my partner had greasy skin or smelled, I wouldn't demand the same of them. Could you compromise on a change of clothes? If she smells fine and brushes her teeth, maybe that would be enough." - lazyjane418
"I shower two to three times a week. If I shower more, not even the best lotion in the world can save me. I honestly think I’ve had a better immune system since showing less as well and that my hair and skin have been better." - Basic_Amoeba_3582
"I am incredibly dry and have to be careful. I'm also not a sweaty person; it would take days for me to smell like body odor. I only shampoo my hair once a week, but I still shower or bathe every other day at least."
"I do think this is a compatibility issue. Some people are very particular about their bed habits. While it's not wrong to either shower or not before getting in bed, being bothered by an SO not doing it every time seems like a recipe for disaster. OP should seek therapy or reconsider the relationship. Some people in relationships also have separate bedrooms."
"If that's possible, maybe it could be a solution." - thunderbunny3025
"Well, she’s obviously not dirty enough for him to actually notice then… so this is more of a concept thing than an actual thing on his part." - TwoldeHands
"Dry skin girlie here. If I strip my skin too much, I start flaking, and my hair gets dry and frizzy, so I don’t shower every day."
"I DO change clothes when I get home."
"NAH, but your fixation on her imagined dirt (which you can’t see or smell) might make you incompatible." - thesophiekid
"Interesting. So, first, you’re allowed to have your preferences. (And full disclosure, I’m one of the people who doesn’t think daily showers are necessary by default.)"
"But it seems like the real issue you have here is the IDEA of her being 'unclean' by your standards rather than actually noticing smells, oily skin, greasy hair, flaky skin, etc. You’ve been together for years, and this was never a problem because... you assumed she washed the bus air off before you saw her?"
"Folks are going to side with you being we have lots of social shame around even the idea of being dirty, but I think YTA here. Because this is more about what’s in your head than what’s on her body." - LeadInfinite6220
"Daily showering is completely unnecessary for the vast majority of people, and has a tangible negative impact on some (hair/skin drying out, etc.). Not to mention it wastes so much water when you could just wash your face/neck/armpits in the sink, and use a washcloth for your bits."
"OP's problems are in his own head, and he shouldn't shame his girlfriend like that, especially not when he doesn't actually notice any signs of uncleanliness. Extra double YTA for sleeping on the couch without talking about it again." - Lordoftheyarn
"Maybe a**hole is too strong here, but it’s wild that you literally acknowledge you’re imagining things and have to check in with the internet to see if you’re right. YTA is you don’t get your s**t together." - jackmusick
"NTA, you’re allowed to have hygiene preferences in a relationship but: Do you think the couch, which you sit on with your outside clothes, is cleaner than your bed? Your logic doesn’t track here." - xoxo_gossipgirl
"As someone who grew up with OCD and had a more than ridiculous self-cleaning ritual, I now find it very healthy for my mental state to accept a certain level of 'dirt' or sub-optimal hygiene."
"Your specific hygiene preferences and seemingly intrusive thoughts of your girlfriend’s unwashed skin scream OCD tendencies to me."
"While maybe you guys could find a healthy compromise that works for you both, I’d hope you would consider exploring why this is so disturbing to you, just to be sure that you don’t end up enabling a condition of poor mental health."
"NAH, all the best, hope you guys work it out." - LJK624
The subReddit could understand if the girlfriend wasn't changing her clothes after returning home and potentially bringing outside world germs into their bed, and they'd understand more if the girlfriend wasn't showering to the point of smelling, but because the OP's only complaint was her showering frequency, it seemed more like a psychological concern, fringing on incompatibility.
Some Redditors suggested therapy, while others suggested compromising somewhat, but if the couple did not sort this out soon, they wouldn't just be sleeping in different bedrooms, but different homes.
