Living with people who smell can be difficult.
There are many reasons why people smell.
Sometimes, it can't be helped.
But if it can, a person may want to do something about it.
Pointing this out is a touchy subject.
Redditor Infamous_Benefit_380 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my son his girlfriend needs to shower more or move out?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
I (45 F[emale]) am okay with my adult son (23 M[ale]) living at home to save money."
"Recently, his g[irl]f[riend] (27 F) moved in."
"She has a very active job, and half the time she only showers in the morning."
"She smells like old sweat when she comes home and lets herself smell that way until morning."
"My husband, my teenage daughter, and I are sick of it, so I told my son his girlfriend needs to shower more or needs to move out."
"My son called me controlling, mean, and a busybody."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the a**hole ?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, but instead of suggesting she showers 'more,' you should suggest she showers after work in the evening instead of before work in the morning."
"She'd still be clean in the morning for work, and she won't be dirty/stinky the rest of the night when she gets home." ~ LunaMay196
"Imagine reeking so badly that it affects everyone in the house!"
"I'm shocked your son doesn't have an issue with it. NTA." ~ Spare-Article-396
"Honestly, if she's not paying rent, she shouldn't be living there; your son should not bring his girlfriend there to live on you and your husband."
"Your son apparently doesn't mind her stinking ass, so honestly, he's part of the problem."
"It's your home, you make the rules, until they can afford their own place, and they both would have income so they both could afford a place, until they can afford a place to play house, then you make the rules!" ~ TrifleGlittering9778
"I see some people defending this."
"There was a time when I had three jobs and took four showers a day."
"I also live in a tropical climate. (that matters)."
"Having your furniture professionally cleaned doesn't always take the smell out."
"I have owned a carpet cleaning company, too."
"She needs to shower after work."
"If she wants to shower once a day, it needs to be after work."
"Not before."
"Oh, NTA." ~ JuJu-Petti
"I had a b[oy]f[riend] who changed from showering in the morning to showering after work because he was a cook in a restaurant."
"I didn't even need to say anything; he said he felt gross after work."
"It's not like between showering at night and his shift made him stink."
"She should just shower after work if she only wants to shower once a day." ~ Mirewen15
"Generally NTA, but your approach seems to be pretty cold to hot."
"Like nothing, no mentions then suddenly 'shower more or she's kicked out.'"
"Where was the progression?"
"I think it's valid to request her to shower more, but for the seemingly first and only request being an ultimatum with the threat of getting kicked out seems unnecessary." ~ dvdevise
"Exactly. Not the a**hole for bringing it up and being honest."
"But definitely an a**hole for how he approached his son and the way in which it was put across."
"No need for going straight for an ultimatum."
"That is a**hole behavior." ~ FinalForm91
"She could easily shower at night and bird bath in the morning."
"Nobody wants to relax smelling somebody's work musty a**."
"I'm mad for you, like, why are you sitting across from me smiling and smelling like a Subway shop. NTA." ~ JustAHeckinCutie
"NTA. You are okay with your son living at home to save money."
"If he wants to have his girlfriend live with him, and shower how frequently or infrequently she likes, he should move out."
"If you want to be an adult and live with your lady how you want with no rules, you can't be doing that in someone else's home." ~ No_Stairway_Denied
"NTA. Your adult son needs to understand that it's YOUR house, so it's YOUR rules."
"I'd even tell her she smells bad and needs to shower."
"If they don't like it they can live elsewhere." ~ Jiffah_
"NTA. That's so filthy to go to bed like that."
"Really easy for her to switch to an evening shower."
"Once you're hygiene affects others, you should know you're doing something wrong... lol." ~Flat-Replacement4828
"NTA. But maybe not have it be an ultimatum right away."
"THAT is what your son is offended by."
"Did you privately talk to her?"
"Or at least gently talked to your son about it first, bringing it up as a hygiene concern and mentioning the odor is lingering around the house."
"If they refuse gentle criticism, then the ultimatum is called for." ~ Main-Feature-1829
"NTA. Tell your son, she either showers when she gets home from work and stops stinking up your house, or they can look for another place to live." ~ Spiritual-TarHeel
"NTA. You're doing them a favor by letting them live there."
"She should respect your wishes to keep your house smelling the way you'd like it."
"I do want to make sure this is a legit issue with you, and the rest of the house, and not something you might be exaggerating cause you don't like the GF."
"Possible simple solution: She waits to shower until she gets home." ~ ChkYrHead
"Absolutely NOT TA!"
"It's your house and your lifestyle, and she can adjust to YOUR rules or, at 27 and 23, they can both move out and get their own place."
"It's THAT simple."
"Talk about weak!"
"Step up, boy, and tell your girl she needs to shower after work."
"Talk about controlling by trying to call YOU controlling?"
"Grow a pair, kid." ~ TiredOfTheOldLife
"NTA. The housing market is expensive and difficult, but that doesn't mean people should just freeload off their parents forever."
"If you own the house, you're doing them a favor - they need to be respectful of that."
"Also, literally no reason for her not to quickly rinse off if she's not even paying for the water bill!" ~ Auspicious_Denizen
"NTA. This isn't even a 'your house, your rules' situation."
"This is a roommate situation."
"If your roommate is stinking up your house and sitting on YOUR furniture when sweaty, they need to change their habits or find different roommates who are okay with that sort of thing." ~ ThisTooWillEnd
"NTA. But go to her directly and tell her either she showers when she gets home from a shift, or she stays in their room until she feels like cleaning up for the day."
"The thought of her sitting on your furniture like that is 🤮." ~ Usual-Role-9084
"NTA. She doesn't understand how offensive her smell is because the brain filters out smells that are there all the time."
"But your son does understand. If he isn't comfortable telling her that she needs a shower, and you are not comfortable telling her that she needs a shower, then why exactly is he living with her?"
"Is she prone to violence or something?" ~ Sonsangnim
"NTA, it's horrible having to confront someone about body odor, so I can't imagine your son hasn't noticed."
"If you eat together, maybe try to suggest to her when she gets in from work that she has enough time to have a shower before it's ready?"
"He's maybe worried how it'll come across if he brings it up to her." ~ lkb1892
"NTA. Basic hygiene is non-negotiable."
"Tell him if he wants a stinky partner, he can live with them in his own place."
"There's no need for all of you to suffer." ~ der_lodije
"NTA. Your house, your rules."
"Is she paying rent?"
"If not, the least she can do is shower after work so she doesn't smell bad."
"Either that or she goes into their room and does not come out again until the next morning after she has showered."
"If your son and gf don't like it, they can go live elsewhere." ~ jindoowner
"NTA. It's your house, and you shouldn't have to smell some stinky woman walking around."
"Your son needs to realize that it's a blessing you're letting him live in your home to save money."
"I say take the hose to his stinky girlfriend if she refuses to shower." ~ Captain_Tubesceamer
"NTA. Like girl, it's your house if someone's out here marinating in their own funk after work and just vibing on the couch all evening... nah, absolutely not."
"You're not demanding she scrubs the floors with a toothbrush, just… take a damn shower after a sweaty shift."
"That's just basic hygiene and respect for everyone else in the house."
NTA. You said what needed to be said." ~ dunkenbabyyy
"Your house."
"Busy body or not… a**hole or not… your house."
"I don't accept the premise of your question."
"It doesn't matter if you're an a**hole."
"The guest showers per your expectations or leaves.'
"You don't have to be uncomfortable or tolerate the unwanted in your house."
"If you can't be comfortable in your own home, then where will you be?"
"It's not more complicated than that."
"She showers more frequently or leaves." ~ Papa-Cinq
Reddit understands your frustration, OP.
Personal hygiene is imperative.
If someone is living in your house and they refuse to be clean, you have every right to make demands.
It's YOUR house.
Hopefully, your son will come around.
And his GF will start a different hygiene routine.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp