Housesitting or petsitting means making another person responsible for property of beloved pets.
But what if something goes wrong while the sitter is on duty?
Should they handle it themselves or defer to the owner?
A son who decided to defer turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Adorable_Ad1615 asked:
"AITA for 'forcing' my mother to come back from vacation?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I am a 25-year-old guy, living about 10 minutes from my childhood home where my mom now lives alone. She has two dogs with her, one is an old family dog that's turning 15, the other is a puppy that's about 8 months old. For context, they are in an apartment on the 10th floor (these are small dogs and there's plenty of space for both)."
"Regardless, I moved out 3 years ago to live with my partner. We live in a pretty small apartment that's just a bedroom and a kitchen pretty much. So, sometimes if my mom had to go somewhere or whatever, I would drop by there to babysit them after my shift (I work only nightshifts)."
"This month, she was supposed to go on vacation, to a beach abroad. I agreed to come a few times a day to feed and walk the dogs, no problem."
"She didn't want to take them to a boarding house because she says it would have been too stressful for them to be in a different environment. I would have loved to have them full-time for the week, but both my partner and I work very rough hours (10 PM - 8 AM), so it would have been hard to work with. Plus, our apartment is very small."
"She told me they've been having a bit of an ant issue recently, but that it's not too bad and I said that was okay."
"So, on the first day of her being abroad, I come to walk them, and everything is fine. I pour them some food and water and leave. I come back later in the day, I notice that they haven't been eating or drinking at all. We live in Europe and there's a huge heatwave going on right now, so I'm thinking this is not good."
"I pick up the food containers from which they eat and pour the stuff down the toilet so I can replace it. Along with the food, fell something that I thought was dirt - just this huge black mass of speckles. And then I notice that it was moving."
"It was ants, like more ants than I've even seen together in my life, had to be in the hundreds. It's no wonder they weren't eating! I try to get them to eat and drink but they just do not want to."
"I come back the next day and try pouring them some water and food before we take a walk, hoping they would eat it quickly. They don't want to. I pour them some food and we go out for about 30 minutes, we come back and the little one starts eating. And as soon as she does, a bunch of ants just disperse from under the food. She then pees herself, and the older one starts licking it (mind you he hasn't been or wanted to drink water for two days now)."
"I lose my sh*t. I call my mother yelling, asking her how the f*ck did she think it was a good idea to leave two dogs in an INFESTED house, how she did not plan this at all, and if it was like this, she could have went to vacation and we could have had them at one of those dogsitting places, while an exterminator could have taken care of the ants—three birds one stone."
"So she came back after being away for two days (the whole vacation was supposed to be a week) and now she is pissed at me for not being able to 'do her this one solid' and how she is so tired all the time and deserved a vacation."
"She came back home on day three, and they finally ate. She said that 'after a while, they would have ate' and 'nothing's going to happen to them if they don't eat for two days, stray dogs survive just fine', so yeah. Just this morning, she told me that when she came back (day 3), they ate their food and that I was just supposed to wait a couple of days, and once they were 'hungry enough,' they would eat..."
"I told her she did deserve a vacation, but we should have organized accordingly, and not have ants crawling around in their food. I am worried that the ants maybe bit their mouths or something like that, I have no idea, I am just mad. My MIL says I was out of line, but I don’t know."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"Maybe I could have tried more and had the pups in the apartment with me, even though it's much smaller."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Selfish, selfish person. In the middle of a heatwave, to ensure those babies can eat or drink comfortably. Or sleep probably. Those ants would be crawling all over at night. What's wrong with her?" ~ Qwarla888
"NTA. Boo hoo, she ignored a problem before vacation that then interrupted her vacation, she clearly wasn't ready to take... How dare you .... Not let her neglect her home and pets? Like wut?" ~ JacOfAllTrades
"NTA, at all. So, we live on a massive ant hill and have to deal with this 24/7 (the ant hill is too big for professionals to deal with). How we handle the pet food is we have a wide pan (or bowl) that's at least an inch deep and fill that with water."
"Then put a bowl with the pet food in the water. The ants will eventually get past the water, but it usually takes a couple of days and only if you don't change the water out."
"The ants definitely bit their mouths/nose if they tried to eat it." ~ Previous_Objective83
"NTA - mother knew there was an issue, and ignored it! She should have put the dogs in kennels. Refuse point-blank to do it again. Her dogs, her responsibility." ~ Jonathan-Welford
"This is bizarre. Leaving dogs alone all night and day with just a visit to put out food and water? I have genuinely never heard of anyone doing this before - dogs either stay with someone else or go to kennels. This should never have happened. Those poor animals." ~ chocklityclair
"Sorry, but why was it the son’s responsibility to take care of a clearly existing problem in his mother's home regarding her dogs? Sure, he agreed to pet sit, but should he be the one to call for a dog sitting service to take them in?"
"Should he also call for pest removal services? Is she going to pay him back if he does these things or just expect that he’ll take the hit? Nah, this woman is miserable, selfish and lazy, and completely undeserving of having loving pets under her care."
"OP is clearly NTA, and it wasn’t their job to be doing what his mother should’ve done before taking what would’ve been a week-long vacation while her poor dogs would’ve suffered in a heatwave and an ant-infested home." ~ Kregain
"To be fair, she went on holiday. She must have known this was a problem, and she just left anyway. That is where the problem lies. Who does that? An infestation takes time to grow. To grow to that level must have taken weeks. The time to problem solve was before she went on holiday." ~ United_Mango_9541
"NTA. Those dogs deserve so much better and good for you for calling her out." ~ This_Region5449
"Sounds like Mom is definitely the biggest AH here. She didn’t arrange appropriate care could be provided in the first place. Then instead of looking for solutions she decided to cut her own trip short and play the blame game. That wasn’t your fault." ~ pluvio_fille
"NTA. She knew it was an issue and left anyway. It wasn't your problem to solve and she either didn't care about the outcome or expected you to take care of it without even talking to you about it, and that's a bullsh*t thing to do no matter if you're related or not." ~ nixredux
"When you take on the responsibility for dogs, you make sure they are looked after first. she has two dogs who are both at stages of their life that need extra supervision and attention. OP absolutely should call her out on her inexcusable behavior here. OP's mother is old enough to know better."
"Those dogs rely 100% on their carers to provide adequate care for them. OPs mother is TA and probably shouldn't have a puppy if she thinks this is adequate care." ~ ajjablue
OP was unprepared and quickly overwhelmed by the situation.
At the end of the day, the dogs are his mother's responsibility. She sabotaged her own vacation by failing to properly prepare her home before leaving.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp