When our family asks us to do them a favor, it's usually in our second nature to say yes.
When they expect a favor from us, however, things become a little more complicated.
Naturally, should a very serious situation arise, we will likely drop everything we're doing and get right to helping.
But when they call us, or show up at our door, telling us we need to do something, remaining cordial might be a bit more of a challenge.
Redditor Dazzling-P didn't much mind when her parents tasked her with planning a vacation for them as well as her brother and sister-in-law (SIL).
Something the original poster (OP) was less thrilled with, however, was another duty which her family believed came in-tandem with planning their vacation.
When the OP refused the additional duties, their family felt they were left with only one solution.
A solution most of them felt the OP was responsible for.
Wondering if they were, in fact, to blame, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for making my family cancel their vacation because I wont watch their dogs?"
The OP explained why her family blamed her somewhat for their needing to cancel their vacation:
"My parents (82 M[ale], 75 F[emale]) asked if I would help them book a much needed vacation."
"They also asked me to do the same for my brother (43) and SIL (33), because they wanted to take a family vacation in September."
"My husband (46) and I (41 F) can't afford to go because i am currently out of a job."
"Even though this would be the first family vacation I will have ever missed and it made me really sad, I said I would of course help."
"My mom even mentioned to me that in a way it's good because I'd be able to watch my brother's pugs and my parents' chihuahua."
"Here's the thing about watching the dogs."
"It's a 24/7 job that requires me to stay at my brother's house."
"The dogs are wonderful, but very high maintenance."
"Because of this, I have been telling my brother for nearly 10 years that he needed to hire a dogsitter (money isn't an issue for him)."
"I've dog-sat for them 3 times this past year varying from 1 to 5 nights."
"They paid me well. But I do not feel comfortable staying at their house and I find the round the clock care exhausting. My husband and I have 5 cats, and we are no stranger to feeling like our pets are our kids, but we don't have dogs for a reason. Now, I'm supposed to be booking this trip for my brother, but he hasn't even asked me about watching the dogs.
Sunday at family dinner, everyone is there except my SIL who was ill."
"My brother was sitting across from me so I reach out to hold his hand and say that I love him, I love the pugs, but I can't watch them when they go on vacation and that he needs to get a dog-sitter."
"I said it was just too much to ask me to be trapped at their house for 7 nights, and that I have been asking him to hire a dog-sitter for nearly a decade."
"I even offer suggestions and said I'll help find someone."
"He starts to get reactive and says that they won't watch my cats anymore."
"I said that's fine, we have a cat sitter, but I point out that I ask them if they can help."
"They, on the other hand, didn't ask me."
"My brother finally concedes that it is a lot to ask 7 nights and 5 dogs."
"Excuse me?"
"Yes, 5 dogs, because his MIL apparently was planning to go too."
"So now added to the mix are 2 Italian greyhounds."
"I stay calm and gently point out that I felt this way before knowing there were 5 dogs."
"Can he imagine how I felt?"
"He seemed to understand."
"By the time I left dinner, there were hugs and kisses and all was well."
"I knew my brother was upset, but he seemed to understand and I was really proud of putting up boundaries."
"The next evening, I call my parents to see if they have heard from my brother."
"Apparently he called them after he got home from family dinner and was 'blindsided' by me."
"My SIL was just as upset as him too."
"They think I'm throwing a tantrum because I can't go on the vacation."
"While yes, that sucks, I told him my real issue is being trapped at their house for 7 nights."
"Now they are canceling the vacation bc I wont watch the dogs."
"AITA for telling them I wont do it?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to watch her brother's dogs while they were on vacation.
Everyone agreed that the OP was already doing her family a huge favor by planning a vacation that she couldn't even attend, and she should not have to watch her brother's dogs on top of that, and as her brother could afford a dog-sitter, she was in no way to blame for their canceling the vacation.
"NTA."
"They are grown people who had plenty of time to find arrangements for their dogs."
"Didn't they have somebody else to watch the dogs when you all traveled together?"
"Is this a weird ploy to punish you by making you feel guilty or something?"
"Seems reactive."- Having-hope3594
"So if I understand you - first, they ask your help in planning a vacation knowing that you can't go along."
"Then, your mom voluntells you that you're watching your brother's dogs."
"Your brother - who hasn't even asked you yet - is blindsided that you won't watch the dogs for them - without even letting you know that there would be two additional dogs involved?"
"Blindsided is you telling them this the day before they leave on vacation."
"You're telling them two months in advance AND offering to help them locate a dog-sitter."
"Absolutely NTA."- Own_Lack_4526
"NTA."
"They can hire a pet-sitter."
"It's not your household to take responsibility for."- ParsimoniousSalad
"NTA."
"And I'm sorry that your family has been taking advantage of you so much this far."
"If it's not too big a deal for you to watch their five (5!) dogs for a week, then it's not too big a deal for them to pay someone else to do it - plain and simple."
"Even if they thought you were throwing a tantrum, they didn't need to cancel their vacation over it, and it's not your problem if they do - they can do whatever they would have done if you had planned to attend this vacation with the family in the first place."
"The fact that their first action was to pin this on you instead of finding another solution (that might not even exist or might cost way more than they would pay you, because honestly, 5 dogs!?) speaks volumes about how much labor you're actually putting in, and how little they value you."- sixoo6
"You didn't make anyone cancel anything."
"Incredibly, maybe deliberately, inconsiderate of your family to expect you to act as their unpaid travel agent."
"Seven Five dogs?"
"That's not dog-sitting; that's running a kennel."
"I assume that they'd save a ton of money by guilting you into caring for the dogs, and they don't want to, or can't afford to, pay what it's really worth."
"Enjoy their self-inflicted tears."
"NTA."- ParagonOfAdequacy
"Good."
"If they can't afford a pet sitter then they can't afford the vacay."
"This is not your problem."
"NTA."- VeronicaSawyer8
"NTA."
"As a couple with 5 dogs we understand that we simply aren't going on vacation unless they go with us."
"I would never just expect that someone will give up their life for a week to deal with them."
"BTW…..we have two Italian Greyhounds and they alone are like dealing with six 'normal' dogs so adding them to the mix should be an absolute deal breaker."- ShekkieJohansen
"Your family thinks it's OK to demand that you plan a vacation you can't go on AND expect, despite your previously stated objections, that you'll take on a full-time volunteer job helping them have their vacation?"
"And you think you might be TA for not going along with it?"
"Frankly, if money really is no issue for your brother, he should've offered to cover the costs for you to join them on the vacation."
"And if he wasn't going to do that, they shouldn't have asked you to plan a whole vacation you wouldn't be included in."
"That's rubbing your nose in your financial troubles."
"NTA."- philautos
The fact that the OP's parents not only asked her to plan a vacation that she wasn't going on, and then expected her to watch her brother's dogs does make one wonder if they have even the slightest bit of concern for her feelings.
Since money doesn't seem to be an object for either the OP's parents or BIL, it's equally surprising neither of them had the idea to chip in so the OP and her husband could join.
Then again, perhaps that decision isn't so surprising, seeing as they would rather cancel a whole vacation than pay for a dog-sitter...
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.