Relationships can end for all kinds of reasons, but when two people find that they no longer want the same things, the relationship might not survive.
That's unfortunately pretty true most of the time when someone suddenly wants to open the relationship after no prior mention or interest in the option, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Even-Proof-6330 was shocked when his wife sat him down and said she wanted their marriage to be open so she could pursue a relationship with one of her coworkers.
When he felt the open relationship wearing him down and impacting his mental health, the Original Poster (OP) began to feel like divorce might be his only option, especially before they started to try to have children.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for wanting a divorce after closing our open marriage?"
The OP was hurt when his wife wanted to turn their marriage into an open relationship.
"About nine months ago, my wife (28 Female) told me (27 Male) she had feelings for a coworker and wanted to open our marriage."
"We just bought a house, and I had just started going back to school to start a new career. I didn’t even want to consider a divorce. I told her I couldn't lose her and was willing to try."
"I ended up burying myself in work and school. Trying to listen to podcasts and read about successful open marriages that do work, but slowly, that feeling of being unhappy just wouldn’t go away."
"One thing I was very clear on, though, was if we wanted kids, we had to be closed. She disagreed, but I was firm on that."
The OP became increasingly certain that an open relationship wasn't right for him.
"Eventually, it culminated when she broke it off with her coworker, and the immediate relief I felt was so intense, it absolutely confirmed for me I needed monogamy."
"I told her that, and she wanted to stay open. I tried to give her the time she asked for, but I was slowly sliding into a bad place."
"One night, she brought up 'making a decision about having kids,' and I broke down and asked for a divorce."
"We fought and cried, but the only condition for staying together that I made was that we each go to therapy. I wanted couples therapy, but she wanted to do individual, which I agreed to."
"We each have our own issues to work through. She has faced all forms of childhood trauma and abuse and struggles with the idea of feeling safe. I also have my own issues with anxiety that have been getting better over the years. Luckily, this is the first time I've clicked with a therapist, and I felt like I was making a lot of headway about how I feel about myself."
The OP and his wife could not reconcile their feelings.
"After a few weeks, and meeting with her therapist, she told me that she feels all this pressure to choose between what she wants and what I want, and when we try to talk openly about our situation, it seems to devolve."
"We are really good communicators until it gets to high-stakes stuff like this, and it will devolve into fighting or shutting down."
"She's said that at the core of the open marriage is that she doesn’t feel heard by me and that she doesn’t feel an intimate connection that she needs. She has told me that she needs to be taken care of and needs codependency."
"I try to be present, but with both of us working two jobs and school, it isn’t as much as she would want. I have tried to tell her that codependency isn’t healthy and that shouldn’t be what a relationship looks like, but to no success."
"I'm feeling pretty put out by our conversations and talking to my therapist about my needs to feel like I'm enough, even if it's just for myself."
The OP finally had had enough.
"Finally, one morning, she asked if it was okay to go hang out with her old coworker that she opened up our relationship for at the gym."
"I flipped out and told her I thought that was bulls**t. It quickly devolved into accusations, and we separated for the night."
"The next day, after work, I wanted to talk with cooler heads and come to some sort of reconciliation. She wouldn’t listen and was trying to fight like the previous night. I have had enough and decided to end it."
"This was two nights ago. Since then, we have started talking to each other like friends again."
"This hurts worse than anything I have felt before, but I do feel a sense of peace that I have been missing for almost a year."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some urged the OP to walk away from the relationship before he was hurt again.
"There is no future in this relationship. There are millions of women on this planet. Why are you doing this to yourself?" - Scruffy77
"The second she asked for an open marriage, especially because she was pursuing one specific person and wasn't just not feeling fulfilled by being with one person, I would have bailed. She basically asked for permission to have an affair so that you couldn't accuse her later of having an affair." - avozzella6
"He JUST went back to school to start a new career, so he didn't have money or time to care for himself. The more suspicious part of me thinks she timed this so that he’s trapped and it’s difficult for him to leave or say no." - MetaCognito
"Funny how she waited until after they were married and had just purchased a home together before she dropped the open relationship bomb on him, isn’t it? Wait until they got their claws in you and get you too invested before showing their true colors." - newusername1243
"I would have been done after she asked the first time, but asking about the 'gym' was such a slap in the face. For me, there's no going back after that. Even if we agree to not do it, there's no trust already knowing they're looking for someone else and I'm not enough." - iosefster
Others reassured the OP that it would be better to end things before bringing children into the situation.
"You two want different things from a marriage. Do not have children with your wife, and get out of the marriage now before you are hurt too badly."
"Honestly, if you have a child, this will get SO much worse." - kindcrow
"The moment a marriage needs two different definitions of commitment to survive, bringing a child into it usually turns a crack into a canyon." - Upstairs-Writing-616
"The fact that she wants to have a baby with you just means that she wants to continue using you, and lock it in for 18 more years. Don’t even have sex with this woman again." - RescuePilot
"The fact that she wants to have a baby with you just means that she wants to continue using you, and lock it in for 18 more years. Don’t even have sex with this woman again." - These_Shallot_6906
"End this. End this before there is a child, with questionable paternity, on the way."
"She’s told you that you’re not enough for her. That’s all you need to know. There’s someone else to whom you’d be everything." - Big_boobs_cold_heart
After reading the comments, the OP shared a very brief update.
"Thanks for all the replies. I wasn’t expecting this much attention."
"I will say, we did rush into this young, and we don’t have kids."
"Reconciliation also was not an option after this conversation."
"I don’t have a lot of friends in our city that I could have talked to when things were at their worst."
"I am sad it ended this way, but I am more hopeful about the future than I have been for a while."
Fellow Redditors applauded the OP's decision to move on.
"You'll be a lot happier on the other side, mate." - arrrrjt
"'But I do feel a sense of peace that I have been missing for almost a year.' That's OP's closure for sure." - NextSplit2683
"We are rooting for you! This is all for the best." - okietarheel
"Stay strong, brother. I can’t imagine going through this. Relationships aren’t supposed to be open."
"I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’m sure you will find someone way better down the line. Maybe even sooner if you're in school and working! As long as it’s not virtual! lol. But you got this!" - Practical_Disk5675
"Do not take her back, especially when she realizes she had something stable and 'safe' with you as opposed to random dudes. She's gonna learn real quick, and she shouldn't use you as a safety net." - National-Mission1281
"NOR. 'I do feel a sense of peace that I have been missing for almost a year.' She was not the one for you."
"Monogamy is not compatible with someone longing for polyamorous relationships. You'll be happier with no stress. Enjoy discovering more about yourself in therapy." - PlayfulReporter1340
The subReddit could understand the OP trying to make the marriage work and not wanting to give up on it, but they pointed out that the OP had already accommodated his wife and put her happiness before his own.
Since they didn't have children together yet, the OP was better off moving on, since it was clear that polygamy was what his wife wanted, while it was something that would continue hurting him.
