When two people commit to each other and exchange wedding vows, it’s believed that they will commit to those exact vows for the rest of their lives together.
Suddenly wanting to change the “rules” of the vows might be marriage-ending otherwise, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Flat_Ad_7911 thought that she and her husband were on the same page about their marriage, and all of the conversations they had prior to their wedding day were promising to them.
But when their husband proposed the idea of opening their marriage to other people, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure where this idea was coming from or if their marriage could last.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for ending my marriage because my partner wanted to make it an open one?”
The OP was shocked when their husband came to them with an idea.
“My husband and I had been married for four years. Our relationship had its ups and downs like any other, but I always believed we had a strong bond and a shared vision for the future.”
“However, a few months ago, my husband brought up the idea of opening our marriage.”
“He said he loved me deeply but felt we could ‘spice things up’ by exploring connections with other people. We had not even stayed together that long that we should have ‘needed’ that.”
“He claimed it wasn’t about lacking anything in our relationship but about growth and exploration.”
“Huh.”
The OP felt betrayed.
“I was shocked. I’ve always been monogamous, and we had never discussed anything like this before, even while dating.”
“When we got married, we promised to be committed to each other. This felt like a betrayal of those vows to me.”
“I told him I wasn’t comfortable with the idea, but he kept bringing it up, insisting it could strengthen our relationship.”
“I even asked him if there was someone else, and he said I was speculating and overthinking.”
Then the OP’s husband said something that they couldn’t look past.
“Eventually, he said he would respect my boundaries but admitted he might end up resenting me later for holding him back.”
“That statement crushed me. It became clear that we were no longer on the same page about something fundamental.”
“I didn’t want to stay in a marriage where I’d always feel like I wasn’t enough or worry about future resentment. So, I decided to end it.”
The OP’s ex-husband created a divide in their circle of loved ones.
“Since then, he’s been telling friends and family that I gave up on us too quickly.”
“Some of our mutual friends think I should have tried harder to compromise or even give the open marriage a shot, while others are supportive of my decision.”
“To me, an open marriage feels like cheating. Now he can do that as much as he wants guilt-free.”
“Now I’m left wondering, AITAH for ending my marriage over this?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was okay to want to stand by the vows they’d taken.
“Anyone telling you to open the marriage to give it a shot isn’t a mutual friend; they’re HIS friends. No one who is actually your friend would tell a monogamous person that they need to stay married to someone who wants to bang other people.” – Cute-Profession9983
“He’s already cheating and is trying to get retroactive permission, or he has someone lined up. Plus, you don’t open your marriage to spice it up; that’s not how that works.” – buddahmommy1985
“It’s likely he was already cheating. But EVEN IF he really wasn’t, and he just wants to explore non-monogamy, it’s totally your right to say that you are not open to that.”
“You are under no obligation to do things that make you uncomfortable for the sake of ‘saving the marriage.'”
“Your husband isn’t the person that you thought he was, and you both need to move on.” – Ok_Dream9695
“I don’t know where they get the energy to have multiple relationships. Communication is hard enough with one person in a marriage.”
“Why get married if you are going to be a ‘cheater’ to begin with? Marriage shouldn’t be a trivial matter. It identifies your commitment to each other. If you aren’t willing to commit to that single person, why bother?” – methodicalataxia
“I was in a monogamous relationship in a scene with a LOT of non-monogamy. It drove a few people nuts and we ended up just not talking to a lot of people.”
“I have *never* seen an open relationship work and I’ve known people in them for over a decade. Eventually, they just get more interested in another person than you, and usually, that’s what everyone just accepts.”
“He just wants to maintain a home life while sticking his junk in other places. Watching guys have opening their relationship backfire has been a joy to see a couple of times. The guy has the hots for someone who is non-monogamous, the guy opens the relationship, that person rejects the guy instantly, and now the girl has a LOT of people interested and does not want to go back to monogamy.” – VegetableTwist7027
“Divorce, by its very definition, can be considered an ‘open relationship.’ OP’s soon-to-be ex-husband is going to LEARN that.” – hdmx539
Others pointed out that either way, there would have been resentment, which is guaranteed to hurt a relationship.
“If he really respected her and her feelings, he wouldn’t have continued to bring it up after she said NO. It’s better to walk away now than be in a marriage full of resentment and unmet needs.” – Smadvow1a
“The thing is, IF you had opened the marriage, knowing you didn’t want to, it would have been YOU that would have ended up resenting HIM for forcing you to do the one thing you really didn’t want to do. Either way, this relationship was doomed.” – Damagedbeme
“You can’t compromise on this: you are either monogamous or you’re not.”
“I think you did the right thing as every argument would be, ‘Well, if you’d have let me sleep with other people, I wouldn’t have done XYZ.’ NTA.” – Heraonolympia123
“You resisting the idea plays into his ultimate goal. You reluctantly agree to open the marriage so he can bang anyone he wants with permission. But you are so offended by the idea that you stay faithful.”
“As soon as you decide to explore your newly found freedom, he will have a problem with the open marriage.”
“You were absolutely right to dump him. Now block his friends that are saying you were wrong. NTA.” – KLG999
“The fact that he’s throwing you under the bus for not letting him sleep with anyone and everyone tells you everything you need to know about this guy. Anyone who agrees with him is not your friend. It’s ludicrous what he’s claiming. NTA.” – Fredredphooey
“This sounds like a bait and switch. He pretended to want monogamy until you were married and locked down so he felt you wouldn’t be able to leave him. Then he begins with the emotional manipulation. How focusing on people outside the marriage is supposed to create growth in the marriage is hard to explain.”
“Then he pulls out the fact he will resent you but it doesn’t seem to occur to him that you will resent him if he does see other people. And lose respect for him and lose desire for him. He would become the ick that walks through your door and sleeps in your bed.” – BlazingSunflowerland
“I went through this a few years ago. I married my ex at 23, and six months after the wedding, he started pressuring me to open the relationship.”
“I held off until at 29, he admitted he’d spent thousands in sex workers while I was on work trips. We ‘opened’ the relationship, and I took it with the mindset that either in order for us to work, I needed to date other people, or, we weren’t going to work and I’d need to date other people.”
“Within two months, he told his new girlfriend he loved her (we were supposed to limit to hookups). I initiated a divorce on my 30th birthday.”
“In silver lining, I met my now husband during that time. He is much, much nicer and more respectful of me and we have the white picket fence and perfect baby I was hoping for the first time around.”
“I wish for the dreams you wanted to come around, too, OP.” – fit_it
The subReddit couldn’t help but side-eye the OP’s former husband and applauded them for standing up for themselves and ending the relationship before the “resentment” could sink in.
A monogamous person and an open person cannot have a relationship without someone experiencing resentment, and if Reddit has taught us anything, it’s that resentment is a cold hard killer of relationships.