When two people commit to each other and exchange wedding vows, it's believed that they will commit to those exact vows for the rest of their lives together.
Suddenly wanting to change the "rules" of the vows might be marriage-ending otherwise, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Flat_Ad_7911 thought that she and her husband were on the same page about their marriage, and all of the conversations they had prior to their wedding day were promising to them.
But when their husband proposed the idea of opening their marriage to other people, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure where this idea was coming from or if their marriage could last.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for ending my marriage because my partner wanted to make it an open one?"
The OP was shocked when their husband came to them with an idea.
"My husband and I had been married for four years. Our relationship had its ups and downs like any other, but I always believed we had a strong bond and a shared vision for the future."
"However, a few months ago, my husband brought up the idea of opening our marriage."
"He said he loved me deeply but felt we could 'spice things up' by exploring connections with other people. We had not even stayed together that long that we should have 'needed' that."
"He claimed it wasn't about lacking anything in our relationship but about growth and exploration."
"Huh."
The OP felt betrayed.
"I was shocked. I've always been monogamous, and we had never discussed anything like this before, even while dating."
"When we got married, we promised to be committed to each other. This felt like a betrayal of those vows to me."
"I told him I wasn't comfortable with the idea, but he kept bringing it up, insisting it could strengthen our relationship."
"I even asked him if there was someone else, and he said I was speculating and overthinking."
Then the OP's husband said something that they couldn't look past.
"Eventually, he said he would respect my boundaries but admitted he might end up resenting me later for holding him back."
"That statement crushed me. It became clear that we were no longer on the same page about something fundamental."
"I didn't want to stay in a marriage where I'd always feel like I wasn't enough or worry about future resentment. So, I decided to end it."
The OP's ex-husband created a divide in their circle of loved ones.
"Since then, he's been telling friends and family that I gave up on us too quickly."
"Some of our mutual friends think I should have tried harder to compromise or even give the open marriage a shot, while others are supportive of my decision."
"To me, an open marriage feels like cheating. Now he can do that as much as he wants guilt-free."
"Now I'm left wondering, AITAH for ending my marriage over this?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was okay to want to stand by the vows they'd taken.
"Anyone telling you to open the marriage to give it a shot isn't a mutual friend; they're HIS friends. No one who is actually your friend would tell a monogamous person that they need to stay married to someone who wants to bang other people." - Cute-Profession9983
"He's already cheating and is trying to get retroactive permission, or he has someone lined up. Plus, you don't open your marriage to spice it up; that's not how that works." - buddahmommy1985
"It's likely he was already cheating. But EVEN IF he really wasn't, and he just wants to explore non-monogamy, it's totally your right to say that you are not open to that."
"You are under no obligation to do things that make you uncomfortable for the sake of 'saving the marriage.'"
"Your husband isn't the person that you thought he was, and you both need to move on." - Ok_Dream9695
"I don't know where they get the energy to have multiple relationships. Communication is hard enough with one person in a marriage."
"Why get married if you are going to be a 'cheater' to begin with? Marriage shouldn't be a trivial matter. It identifies your commitment to each other. If you aren't willing to commit to that single person, why bother?" - methodicalataxia
"I was in a monogamous relationship in a scene with a LOT of non-monogamy. It drove a few people nuts and we ended up just not talking to a lot of people."
"I have *never* seen an open relationship work and I've known people in them for over a decade. Eventually, they just get more interested in another person than you, and usually, that's what everyone just accepts."
"He just wants to maintain a home life while sticking his junk in other places. Watching guys have opening their relationship backfire has been a joy to see a couple of times. The guy has the hots for someone who is non-monogamous, the guy opens the relationship, that person rejects the guy instantly, and now the girl has a LOT of people interested and does not want to go back to monogamy." - VegetableTwist7027
"Divorce, by its very definition, can be considered an 'open relationship.' OP's soon-to-be ex-husband is going to LEARN that." - hdmx539
Others pointed out that either way, there would have been resentment, which is guaranteed to hurt a relationship.
"If he really respected her and her feelings, he wouldn't have continued to bring it up after she said NO. It's better to walk away now than be in a marriage full of resentment and unmet needs." - Smadvow1a
"The thing is, IF you had opened the marriage, knowing you didn't want to, it would have been YOU that would have ended up resenting HIM for forcing you to do the one thing you really didn't want to do. Either way, this relationship was doomed." - Damagedbeme
"You can't compromise on this: you are either monogamous or you're not."
"I think you did the right thing as every argument would be, 'Well, if you'd have let me sleep with other people, I wouldn't have done XYZ.' NTA." - Heraonolympia123
"You resisting the idea plays into his ultimate goal. You reluctantly agree to open the marriage so he can bang anyone he wants with permission. But you are so offended by the idea that you stay faithful."
"As soon as you decide to explore your newly found freedom, he will have a problem with the open marriage."
"You were absolutely right to dump him. Now block his friends that are saying you were wrong. NTA." - KLG999
"The fact that he's throwing you under the bus for not letting him sleep with anyone and everyone tells you everything you need to know about this guy. Anyone who agrees with him is not your friend. It's ludicrous what he's claiming. NTA." - Fredredphooey
"This sounds like a bait and switch. He pretended to want monogamy until you were married and locked down so he felt you wouldn't be able to leave him. Then he begins with the emotional manipulation. How focusing on people outside the marriage is supposed to create growth in the marriage is hard to explain."
"Then he pulls out the fact he will resent you but it doesn't seem to occur to him that you will resent him if he does see other people. And lose respect for him and lose desire for him. He would become the ick that walks through your door and sleeps in your bed." - BlazingSunflowerland
"I went through this a few years ago. I married my ex at 23, and six months after the wedding, he started pressuring me to open the relationship."
"I held off until at 29, he admitted he'd spent thousands in sex workers while I was on work trips. We 'opened' the relationship, and I took it with the mindset that either in order for us to work, I needed to date other people, or, we weren't going to work and I'd need to date other people."
"Within two months, he told his new girlfriend he loved her (we were supposed to limit to hookups). I initiated a divorce on my 30th birthday."
"In silver lining, I met my now husband during that time. He is much, much nicer and more respectful of me and we have the white picket fence and perfect baby I was hoping for the first time around."
"I wish for the dreams you wanted to come around, too, OP." - fit_it
The subReddit couldn't help but side-eye the OP's former husband and applauded them for standing up for themselves and ending the relationship before the "resentment" could sink in.
A monogamous person and an open person cannot have a relationship without someone experiencing resentment, and if Reddit has taught us anything, it's that resentment is a cold hard killer of relationships.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.