Reluctant Groom Proposes Canceling Wedding After Bride's Grandma Dies In Transit

Weddings are planned often over a year in advance. Unfortunately, life and death happens without any schedule.

Sometimes those unexpected moments—pregnancy, illness, injury, death—can derail a couples' carefully coordinated nuptials.

But do they have to? And who gets to decide?

A prospective groom turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over just such a dilemma.

Similar-Knowledge476 asked:

"WIBTA for canceling my wedding?"

The original poster (OP) explained:

"Tomorrow is me (24, male) and my soon-to-be (STB) wife's (22, female) wedding."

"We just found out a couple of hours ago that her grandmother got into a serious accident while on her way to us for the wedding. She was pronounced deceased at the scene."

"My STB wife is very distraught about this and very emotional. Not even an hour after she got the news, she was called by her sister telling her not to cancel or postpone the wedding because their parents paid too much money."

"There was no attempt to ask if she's okay or to comfort her. She is obviously not in the right state of mind to make a decision."

"I feel like canceling the wedding for now to give my STB wife time to grieve. I just don't know if it'll be the right decision."

The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.

"I want to cancel my wedding."

"My soon-to-be wife's parents paid a lot of money and used a lot of their time and energy to make this wedding happen."

"I also promised my soon-to-be wife for 3 years now that we will marry."

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
• INFO - more information needed

Redditors decided the OP was going to be the a**hole if he unilaterally made the decision without consulting his soon-to-be wife at all (YTA/YWBTA).

"YWBTA if you cancel it. It's your wife's pain and grief more than anyone else. At most, you could postpone it, but it's ultimately your wife's decision to make. Right now though, be there for her and comfort her the best you can." ~ Over_Kick_6171

"If there are all ready people in town for the event and the venue can't be cancelled and refunded etc..., tell your fiancée that if she isn't up for the wedding, then you can just keep the celebration open to any who want to attend as a celebration of her grandmother's life and you can just get hitched later at the courthouse or something."

"Make it about her and how she feels and what she is capable of doing right now. Then the money isn't wasted, goes to a good cause of honoring grandma, and she isn't under pressure." ~ Cust2020

"Don't cancel. For non-financial reasons."

"My Dad died 3 days before my son's wedding. We were considering canceling, and were advised to not. Looking back, it was the right decision for us."

"For half the people there, the wedding reception kind of turned into a combined wake for my Dad. We were able to grieve together, celebrate his life together, and together rejoice that life and his legacy goes on through our son and DIL's celebration of marriage."

"They have also mentioned, looking back, they're glad they didn't cancel."

"But this is your life and your choices. Not a right or wrong choice, but what is best for you. My condolences." ~ 123cong123

"Why did you add in that you've been promising for three years that you'd get married? That detail makes it sound like you were looking for an opportunity to cancel and grandma dying gave you your out."

"Regardless, it's your fiancée's grandma that passed. Making this decision without her is an a**hole move, so YWBTA." ~ MohawMais

"My sister died three weeks before my wedding. So not quite as immediate, but still very much in the trenches of grief. My mum suggested I not cancel as, in her words, no matter how long I waited, my sister was still never going to be there. It was also helpful for my family to have something positive to focus on."

"It was too intense to want to put many memorial elements into it though. I wore a bracelet made from one of her rings. Other than that, we put the word out to family and friends that my family and I didn't want condolences or even acknowledgement of the loss on the day."

"It worked for us and I'm glad we went through with it like we did." ~ confictura_22

"YWBTA for taking this decision away from your wife-to-be. She still has autonomy and has the right to decide. This becomes your call only if she can't decide and ASKS you to make the decision instead." ~ extinct_diplodocus

"Yes, this is a 2 person decision. And don’t say cancel, postpone sounds like what you’re thinking about doing, unless you really mean cancel and you're using her grandmother's death as an excuse." ~ Kind_Bet9556

"YWBTA if you cancel it without speaking to your fiancée and her parents. This is a decision that both of you as the couple, as well as her parents as not only the one's paying for the wedding but also the family affected by the loss, should all be making together." ~ QuickSloth4710

"N-T-A for thought, and definitely N-T-A for discusing the matter with your fiancée."

"YWBTA if you decide to cancel without first having that discussion AND getting her agreement."

"It really isn't anyone's decision but hers and yours together..." ~ wesmorgan1

"Just talk to her. Make it 1000% clear that you’re there for her, that a POSTPONEMENT (not a 'cancellation' like you keep posting, words will be important) is fine with you, and however she wants to handle it, you’ll back her up." ~ FerroMancer

"The thing is that if you cancel the wedding, your in-laws will likely lose the money they paid. You will not get refunds for the venue, catering, photographer… on such short notice. It’s very likely that guests will have taken off time from work and possibly booked hotels."

"If you cancel the wedding and you reschedule it, your in-laws may not be able to pay towards it again and some guests may not be able to attend. Your rescheduled wedding might be much smaller."

"It’s a very sad situation and only your future wife and you can decide if cancelling is right. But you making the decision for her is definitely not the right answer. YWBTA." ~ DarceysExtensions

"YWBTA if you went ahead and did this without talking to your fiancée. It's not your call. Ask her to talk to her parents. One of them, either her father or mother, just lost THEIR mother."

"What do they want to do? What about the guests related to grandma who have traveled to the wedding?"

"If your child cancels a wedding, do you pay for a second one, too? Most people can't." ~ Spare_Ad5009

"Her sister is also in a state of grief, so I am not sure she is deserving of your harsh judgment. It was her grandmother, too."

"If your soon-to-be wife is catatonic, you need to still try to talk to her, but don’t push… obviously she can’t walk down the aisle if she can’t speak. But if she's capable of speaking, this needs to be her and her family's decision—unless you want to cancel for other reasons."

"If you can, call her parent that lost a mother in-law, not the one who just lost their mother. Tell them you are really concerned and want to discuss if pushing the wedding would be a good call. See if the parent that lost their mother (and of course your fiancée) is able to be a part of the discussion."

"Consider making the after party have a moment of reflection and a life celebration. In fact, your soon to be wife might want to go through with the wedding but have a moment of reflection for her grandmother."

"The truth is, you don’t know what the people who lost their family member want. You can’t know what is best when you don’t bother asking. Talk to the other people highly affected and come up with a plan together."

"It seems like you know you are a supporting character in this decision, just keep reminding yourself of that instead of blowing up your relationship with your possible future wife and in-laws by making decisions and demands." ~ FlyingSpaghettiFell

"You say 'no attempt to comfort her' as an indictment against her family, but this is also one of her parent's mother that died and her sister's grandmother. They are also grieving. But their mindset seems to be that the celebration of life is still important, and the wedding was important to grandma."

"Realistically, it probably can't be 'postponed'. You would actually be canceling your wedding. The marriage can be, but a lot of money will be lost and her parents probably can't fund a similar event later. Anyone who already traveled probably wouldn't be able/won't want to travel again."

"And your entire day today, unless you push it off onto her grieving family, will be reaching out to everyone to cancel." ~ Usrname52

The OP added a short update:

"We will sleep on it and I'll let her decide tomorrow what she feels will be the best course of action."

"I understand that it'll be an awful thing to do, but if my wife decides she can't do it, then she won't have to. She is completely free to do anything she wants with no judgements whatsoever."

"I'm trying my best to be the person she can count on through anything."

OP now realizes this is a decision that requires his fiancée's input.

Hopefully everything turned out well for them both.