Family is not necessarily defined by blood relations.
Certain people who don’t share our DNA are every bit as much, or more, a part of our family than our blood-related aunts, uncles, and cousins.
Sometimes, a member of our nuclear family does or says something that results in their becoming estranged, as we try harder and harder to forget the fact that they are related to us.
No matter how many times they might try to remind us that they’re our family.
Redditor Witty-Butterfly4195 had a tense relationship with her father after the death of her mother, resulting in their eventually losing contact.
However, upon learning that the original poster (OP) was about to hit a significant milestone in her life, the OP’s father reached out to her through her grandmother about reconnecting.
Something the OP flatly refused to do.
Wondering if she was in the wrong for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for digging in my heels and refusing to invite my estranged father and his wife to my wedding?”
The OP explained why her father was, and always will be persona non grata at her wedding:
“I’m (30 F[emale]) getting married this year, and the wedding is going to be smaller, so those we want to invite know when the wedding will take place and are confirmed to be free.”
“Invites will go out in the summer.”
“But unofficially the people who will be invited have been invited.”
“This was because it was important to us to have those closest to us present and we didn’t want a hugely expensive wedding.”
“This has become a problem because I did invite my grandmother (paternal) and she has a relationship with my estranged father while I do not.”
“Background is needed here.”
“When my brother and I were 4, we lost our mom.”
“Our mom’s twin sister helped our dad out a lot after mom died.”
“We actually lived with her for 7 or 8 months while our dad was spiraling and losing control of himself.”
“She was there for our first day of school. She fed us, clothed us, and protected us a lot during the period we lived with her. Once Dad pulled himself together and took us back, she was still the person taking care of us after school and on Saturdays or Sundays when our dad would work.”
“She was essential to us.”
“She and mom were orphans, so it was just her for the maternal side and dad’s side were not close by and did not play much of a role in those earlier childhood memories.”
“But our aunt did.”
“Then my dad got engaged, and life changed fast.”
“My dad’s wife did not want our aunt around anymore.”
“She wanted to become the mom and she did not feel like my aunt would make that easy on her.”
“So my dad and his wife (fiancée at the time) moved us out of state, and we moved around a lot, so my aunt could not get any visitation rights to us.”
“We did not get to see or speak to her at all after that. I know she fought for us.”
“She did track us down a couple of times and we moved again.”
“We missed her like crazy, and over the decade that followed, Dad tried to erase all traces of our aunt and mom and attempted to create a little nuclear family with the four of us.”
“But we hated him and we hated her. When we were teenagers, we tracked down our aunt, and at 18, we moved out of our dad’s house and ended all contact with them.”
“My grandmother was aware of all this, and when we were kids, she was understanding and did attempt to advocate for us to see our aunt.”
“But once my dad found out I was getting married, through a person who actually isn’t invited to the wedding but knew I was engaged, he was talking to my grandmother and he told her how badly he and his wife want to come and how sad they are that they have been removed so completely from our lives.”
“Now my grandmother is saying they should be invited, or at least my father because he’s still my father.”
“I told her it would not happen and refused to compromise with just him.”
“So she’s unhappy and she said I am taking things too far and doing what they did, only I know how harmful it can be long term.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to invite her estranged father to her wedding.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s father’s past behavior more than justified his not being present at her wedding, and the OP’s grandmother needed to mind her own business. Many even suggested the OP disinvite her grandmother as well.
“NTA.”
“This man let you down, big time.”
“H refused to let you have a relationship with your Aunt.”
“Constantly moving you to avoid your Aunt was cruel.”
“He has no right to be a part of your life or your wedding.”- Successful_Bath1200
“NTA.”
“Sorry, but Grandma doesn’t get a say.”
“She didn’t experience having an important, consistent, loving person ripped from her life as a child just because her dad and his new wife were jealous.”
“She doesn’t know how it feels to have a family forced on you and your only family tie to your deceased mom taken away.”
“Nope.”
“Her little bit of unhappiness that your father is not invited to the wedding is NOTHING compared to the unhappiness he caused.”
“And oh, your father is sad he and his wife are not invited?”
“Too bad.”
“They made that happen for themselves.”- Stranger0nReddit
“NTA.”
“Your grandmother is unhinged to suggest that years of isolating two grieving children from the only mother figure they know is somehow equivalent to not inviting an estranged father to a wedding.”
“Has she always placed some of the responsibility of your father’s abusive behavior onto you?”
“Or is this recent a**holery from grandma?”- Disruptorpistol
“NTA.”
“It’s your wedding; it’s your invitation list.”
“Reassure your NAN that you know and are comfortable with both the short-term and the long-term consequences of what you have decided to do.”
“Also, tell her that if your father shows up, you will have him removed from the site.”
“The last thing that you want is a surprise at what should be a joyous event for you.”-Individual_Ad_9213
“Well, grandma can be ‘unhappy’.”
“But who is on your guest list just isn’t her decision.”
“Your grandmother was good to you during your childhood, and you still feel warm toward her, so she gets an invitation.”
“You don’t feel the same way about your dad and his wife.”
“NTA.”- YouthNAsia63
“‘As you tried to remove our aunt, one of the only people who listened to us, and then tried to have us accept your decision, you effectively cut your contributions out of our lives’.”
“‘You chose to remove our family’.”
“‘I’ve chosen to remove you all together, and you know why’.”
“‘Please don’t contact me again’.”
“Send that to your father, and have security at your wedding.”
“Find a big burly teddy bear bouncer, ask them if they can help, and that should be it.”
“NTA.”- RemoteBroccoli
“NTA.”
“That man and his wife basically stole your childhood away from your aunt, who was the next best thing to your mother.”
“That man and his wife can go and have their pity party elsewhere.”- molewarp
“NTA.”
“However your dad is a massive AH who cared more about his new wife than his grieving children and you’re are simply making him lay on the bed he made.”- jajbliss
“NTA.”
“Now that you know your grandmother’s stance, I would consider hiring security for your wedding just in case your sperm donor and his family ‘show up out of nowhere’.”
“And, warn your grandmother that her relationship with you is on the line.”
“Your sperm donor has a lot of nerve wanting the ‘perfect family’ while he went the distance to destroy his.”
“Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!”- aquavenatus
“NTA.”
“They uprooted your life repeatedly just so that your stepmother could have her way and so your aunt couldn’t get visitation?”
“Nope, they are in the NC penalty box for the rest of their lives.”
“You may need to cut your paternal grandmother out of the wedding as well because I would bet real money your father tries to show up anyway if he’s told where it is being held.”- C_Majuscula
Every father dreams of the day they walk their little girl down the aisle.
But that privilege needs to be earned by being a present and loving father in their daughter’s life.
Something the OP’s father most definitely was not, prioritizing his second wife over the needs of his children.
Maybe sitting at home on the night of the OP’s wedding will finally give the OP’s father the slightest idea of how neglected the OP felt throughout most of her childhood.