What should a person do when two major life events happen at the same time?
Do you attend a graduation or go to the hospital with a pregnant spouse? Do you attend a funeral or go to a child's christening? Do you attend a wedding or go to someone's deathbed?
There are no easy answers, and every family and family member would probably answer differently based on their individual relationships.
A father turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after being faced with such a moral dilemma.
Wedding_father_8553 asked:
"AITA for telling my kid that she is being self-centered/cruel because her mom won't be able to make to her wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My daughter's (28, female) wedding is tomorrow. The problem is that my wife's dad is in the hospital."
"He has always been frail since he was moved into a home, and it took a turn for the worse, and now he is in the hospital. They don't think he will make."
"My wife's sister says it looks bad, and she also isn't coming up for the wedding anymore."
"The original plan was for him to fly up for the wedding today (with the help of my wife's sister), but he was hospitalized yesterday, and he is just getting worse. My wife has been distraught, and she made the decision to fly down (she is leaving tonight)."
"It was a tough decision because she will miss the wedding. I told her I would FaceTime her in for the ceremony and anything else, but to go be with her dad before he dies."
"I also know she would be miserable if she were at the wedding to begin with. I doubt she would be able to put on a happy face and pretend everything was okay."
"We called our daughter to explain, and she did not take it well. She called her mom a lot of names. My wife has been crying since."
"Our daughter started to spam both our phones. I got into another argument with her, and I told her she is being self-centered and cruel about mom not being able to make it."
"That her father is dying, and all you care about is your big day. I didn't raise her to not have any empathy."
"She told me that wasn't fair and I told her it was. I told her to apologize to her mother."
"She told me I shouldn't come to the wedding if mom isn't there."
"My wife is very distraught and I am suppose to drive her to the airport in a few hours."
"Are we in the wrong… my daughter 100% thinks we are in the wrong. My wife is distraught."
The OP later added:
"I don't get why some of you are acting like she is flying out to get lunch. He is dying, she wants to see him one last time before he is dead."
"We have four kids in total. Yes, he is her grandfather on my wife's side. My wife's mom already died 7 years ago."
"Granddad wasn't super close to the kids, but that is my fault—we had to move for my job, and it became really hard to see the grandkids often."
"He was still super close with my wife, his daughter, even though we moved."
"He still sent birthday cards and was always happy to see the grandkids for holidays and would travel up for big events."
"The overall relationship is good between everyone."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"AITA for telling my daughter she is being self-centered and cruel because her mom won't be able to make it to her wedding? I could be an a** for telling her this and encouraging my wife to go see her dad before he passes."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"I would clarify for your daughter that she is right, that it isn't fair. It's not fair for her whose mom is going to miss her wedding, and that sucks."
"It's not fair to grandpa, it's not like he chose this moment to be dying, and that sucks. It's not fair to your wife, who was so happy and excited to see her daughter get married, but now instead of that happiness, she plans to be grieving her father, and that sucks."
"It is unfair, but that doesn't mean anybody is at fault. Sometimes the universe is just unfair." ~ Character-Parfait-42
"The daughter is SO distraught her mother can't attend her wedding, she even uninvited her father in retaliation? OK..." ~ starfire92
"Yup, this just blows all around. No one wants to miss their child's wedding, especially not to be there when their parent is dying, but you kind of have to be."
"This is just a sh*t sandwich, and everyone has to take a bite. I'd say NAH here because everyone is perfectly valid to feel how they feel and be where they are."
"Sometimes life just sucks that way." ~ LouSputhole94
"I was leaning N A H until the part about the daughter getting married, calling her mom a bunch of names, and uninviting her dad... that's NTA."
"Yeah, it is a really sucky situation all around, but it's possible to be disappointed and upset without resorting to name-calling and icing out the other parent who had every intention of being there."
"It's a circumstance beyond anyone's control, and it's her own grandfather dying ffs... She took an already tough situation and made it worse with her selfishness, lack of empathy, and understanding." ~ blushr00m
"The daughter does suck for calling her mom names and being rude about it. I would be devastated in this situation, but I can't imagine calling my mom names over it and telling my dad he shouldn't bother to show up without her. NTA." ~ Dangerous-Variety-35
"NTA. This is a difficult situation all around."
"I recommend you go to your daughter's wedding. Your wife has her sister to comfort her if their Dad passes during the wedding day. You can join your wife after the wedding."
"If your daughter turns you away from her wedding, or chooses not have you give her away, that is her choice. But, as a parent, it's important that you show up." ~ teresajs
"NTA. Daughter is the a**hole for making an awful situation for her mom 1000% worse with verbal and emotional abuse. The situation sucks for everyone, but that's unconscionable behavior." ~ nylanderfan
"A horrible situation all round. Your daughter's reaction and behavior are totally unacceptable though."
Does she not care that her grandfather is dying? Definitely not the ahole. NTA." ~ theKinkypeanut
"It's honestly shocking she's shouting insults at her mother and not realising she can't attend because her parent is dying. Holy hell, how self-centred can the daughter be to not even empathise with how difficult this must be for her mom?" ~ PrincessCG
"NTA. Your wife needs the opportunity to say goodbye to her father, and your daughter is being incredibly cruel. Honestly, you should fly with your wife as well since you are uninvited to the wedding." ~ Doggondiggity
"For all you people saying OP and his wife are the a**hole, what's wrong with you‽‽ They called the daughter to explain and she made an already horrible situation worse and called her mom names."
"Of course, missing your daughter's wedding is heartbreaking. Going to be by your father's bedside as he's dying is also heartbreaking."
"I have 2 daughters, and as my mother, their grandmother, lay in the hospital dying last year, they were devastated. They are in their 20s, and not one of them would ever treat me that way if they were in the same position."
"You know why? Because they're loving and thoughtful young women who care about their family. They would understand the torment I'm experiencing."
"If people cannot postpone a wedding for a serious event, you do NOT, I repeat, do NOT yell at people who need to be by their loved one's deathbed."
"Maybe the daughter needed a reality check after she acted like a horrible human being. She's a grown woman, not a young child."
"People making excuses about the daughter being under stress for the wedding? That doesn't come close to the stress of a loved one dying." ~ MerDes70
"NTA in any way. Your wife is about to lose her father."
"As for your daughter, life isn't fair, and it's time for her to learn this lesson. Her grandfather is about to die and all she wants to do is throw a tantrum with no empathy."
"She needs to suck it up and stop guilting her mother. Horrible behavior." ~ anaisaknits
"I recommend wife go say goodbye to her father. I wish every day that I had that chance when my mom died. Your wife will regret it if she doesn't."
"As for your daughter, NTA, you were right to call her out." ~ shayberrie
"If my grandfather were dying, I'd cancel my wedding and be there. Every time. No regrets."
"Daughter is the a**hole. Yes, it sucks. But permanently losing someone you love sucks more."
"Even if she continues with the wedding, expecting someone to be there who is losing a parent is the highest level of entitlement and brat-like behavior. Honestly, she sounds like she's not mature enough to get married."
"It's okay that she is choosing to have the wedding (they're expensive, I get it). It's not okay to bully someone for not attending for this particular reason, even when it's the mother of the bride." ~ sammytheammonite
"Daughter isn't wrong for being upset. She's extremely wrong for treating her mom and dad so badly over the situation." ~ fallriver1221
"Daughter IS an a**hole for the way she reacted. Disappointment is normal, spamming the phone and hurling insults while Mom is terrified and mourning are not." ~ Reddit
It's a horrible situation all around with no easy answers.
But how the daughter reacted was what the OP and Redditors took exception to.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp