Wedding planning has a particularly endless list of details to finalize and decisions to make before the big day.
One significant variable that many couples must consider is care, whether for young children, family members with special needs, or elderly loved ones who require special accommodations either during the event or to leave early.
Any bride with loved ones with particular needs who does not plan for this is potentially setting up her wedding for failure, cautioned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor tereshkovavalentina's grandmother needed assistance with navigating and leaving the wedding, as well as successfully getting back to her apartment.
When her mother had surgery and couldn't help with her grandmother, and the Original Poster (OP) hadn't prepared any professional care, she put pressure on her uncle to help out instead, putting a sour note on the evening.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for making my uncle leave my wedding early?"
The OP had recently gotten married.
"My husband and I had about 100 guests at our wedding. It was an amazing celebration that went on until 2:00 AM."
"However, I really wanted my grandmother, who is 95 and in a wheelchair, to be able to experience as much of the wedding as possible. My grandmother has two children, my mother and my Uncle Jack."
The OP was not able to provide the accommodations for her grandmother that she had originally planned.
"As my mother recently had surgery and had to attend the wedding in a wheelchair herself, there was no way for her to pick up my grandmother and bring her back home. My grandmother does not trust anyone else but her children to take her (she needs help getting up the stairs into her apartment, which is not an easy task)."
"Before the wedding, Jack said he would not drive my grandmother home, because she would want to go home early, and he would miss so much of the reception."
The OP continued to push her Uncle Jack to help with her grandmother.
"As there was no other way for my grandmother to be there, I called Jack myself and asked him to drive my grandmother home. He finally agreed."
"My grandmother ended up staying a lot longer than we expected, until after dinner and the first dance, about 9:30 PM."
"However, after the wedding, Jack said that having to drive my grandmother home ruined the whole day for him and that he could not enjoy the wedding at all."
"So was I wrong for making my uncle leave my wedding early?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood the tough position the OP was in... that said, they also felt she had pushed her Uncle Jack too far.
"Soft YTA. I understand how important it is to have certain relatives at your big moments, especially your wedding, but your uncle was a guest at the wedding, too."
"Your grandmother's requirement that it be your mother (who was incapacitated) or your uncle put you in a tough spot, but badgering your uncle until he agreed is wrong."
"I would apologize to your uncle, thank him profusely, and make sure he knows how much it meant for you to have your grandmother and him at your special day." - GavelUpOnBeingPretty
"ESH. I can understand not wanting to leave an event you are enjoying with family and friends to take somebody home. He told you from the beginning that he didn't want to do it, but you badgered him."
"I can understand wanting your grandmother at your wedding, but why not have her come to the church and the photos and leave before the party starts? I have a harder time understanding your grandmother insisting that only your mother or uncle can drive her. Selfish on grandma's part." - BrinaGu3
"I think it's really unfair when people refuse to have paid caregivers and force their families into that role. He shouldn't have whined about it to you, but I think you're being a little unfair to your uncle. He probably has to help your grandma a lot and is burned out as a caregiver. ESH." - IHaveBoxerDogs
"ESH. I understand grandma wanting only family to help, but could she not have accepted a hired caregiver for one event? They could have waited in the wings until she was ready to go home, driven her there, helped her up the stairs, helped her settle in for the night, and then they could have gone home."
"As it was, grandma stayed at the wedding until 9:30 PM, needed a 30-minute drive home, up the stairs, helping settle her, another 30-minute drive back to the wedding, and it's now at least 11:00 PM."
"I don't blame your uncle for resenting being coerced into helping. He missed over an hour and a half of the wedding and family time. There are probably many caregiver services that could have been hired for one event." - Universal_mammal
"Look, the real problem here is that your grandmother's situation is untenable. She's in a wheelchair, but her apartment has stairs? And there is only one person in this world she would let move her?"
"Frankly, it's dangerous to both parties to carry someone around - nurses destroy their backs doing that all the time, and one wrong move and both your grandma and uncle could be very, very badly hurt (clearly, mom shouldn't be doing this for at least a year, maybe ever)."
"Grandma needs to move somewhere with wheelchair access, and needs to accept help from other people. I get old people don't like change and want their freedom, but putting her kids in a situation where they could badly hurt themselves in order to go out cannot go on."
"Time for a family intervention. Mom and Uncle need to unite and make Grandma get her s**t together. Grandma is the biggest a**hole here for making her own kids put their backs on the line getting her in and out of her ridiculous tower, but mom and uncle hold some accountability for not saying F**k no before this."
"OP needs to go back to her uncle and say, 'I get you are frustrated that her ability to go out depends entirely on you, but we need to unite as a family and change this system because it is deeply unsafe,' and see if he'll actually put his actions where his pouting is."
"I'll give OP a NTA because its hard to recognize sometimes when ALL the adults in the family are going along with some missing stair bulls**t system that outsiders find wild, and she had wedding blinders on, but it's time to wake up and see that it's old a matter of time before Uncle falls and breaks his back or falls on grandma and breaks her hip and you all have a lot more to be upset about." - Music_withRocks_In
Others empathized with the OP's Uncle Jack and all she had demanded of him on a day that should have been a joyous occasion for the whole family.
"We hired nursing and driving help for the grandmas so they could attend the wedding. ESH. Including granny."
"Actually, ESPECIALLY GRANNY! You've got to figure her kids are in their 60s or 70s. She lives upstairs in a place without an elevator."
"She demands that her senior citizen children accommodate her. Nuh-uh, get over yourself. Aging has its indignities, and one of those is paying strangers to carry your carcass."
"I would not speak so crudely if it weren't for the grandmother's unhealthy attitude. She is deliberately being more of a burden on family than is necessary." - tocammac
"OP said there's a lift. I understand that in some places, lift is used to mean elevator, but based on OP's comment about stairs and that her grandmother needs help, I'm pretty sure lift is referring to a stair lift rather than an elevator."
"I'm guessing the issue is that someone needs to get her wheelchair up and down the stairs, maybe help the grandmother into and out of the stair lift, and also presumably help her into the car."
"Grandmother is still TA because it's not fair of her to refuse to accept help from anyone but her two children." - No-Stress-7034
"YTA. You basically forced him, and that's not fair. He was entitled to want to enjoy your wedding. You should have made other arrangements for this one special day." - Less_Instruction_345
"If your Uncle does not want to take care of his mom, then you have no authority to make him do so. You HAD the power; by denying him access to the party if he did not comply."
"But if you forced him, then yes, that makes YTA." - FireBallXLV
"Honestly, at that point, OP should have made it clear to the uncle that he isn't invited but expected to show up to be grandmother's caregiver. Not inviting him or trying to use the wedding as a power play is disrespectful and shows the uncle isn't cared about."
"Regardless of Grandma's wants, he is his own person and has things he wants to do. OP commenting that it was surprising that he stayed for even just the first dance says a lot."
"This wasn't inviting him as a person or as family. He really just should have said he won't go at that point and let OP deal with the s**t she stirred." - DifferentBumblebee34
"There clearly was another way for your grandmother to attend and you failed to take it."
"You needed to tell her that the only way to attend was to accept outside help, which you would arrange for her. It was hers to accept or miss the wedding."
"Instead, you forced her son (probably not that young himself if she is 95) to negotiate stairs with her, attend to her needs, and miss much of the reception."
"It's understandable that your grandmother might prefer to lean on her son or daughter, but we don't always get exactly what we want when we want it, nor is it always best for us."
"You passed off your own responsibility for one guest onto another, making YTA." - IllustriousBowler259
The subReddit could empathize that this was a complicated situation and with no easy answers, since the OP's grandmother only wanted her daughter, who was currently unable, to assist and care for her.
That said, there are daycare and caregiving facilities, many of which have special rates for events like wedding receptions, to care for children, the elderly, and those with special needs.
If the grandmother really loved her family, she could have agreed to care for one evening, so she could stay as long as she was able and allow the rest of her family to continue to celebrate.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp