Planning a wedding date is surely a challenge for all parties involved—especially if the bride wants certain people participating in the wedding party.
Redditor PuzzledAtmosphere258 was recently asked to be a bridesmaid, but the discussion that followed between her and the bride led to drama.
She visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for being upset at the wedding date my friend chose?”
The OP explained why the date was particularly inconvenient for her.
“So two of my closest friends are getting married this year and i couldn’t be happier for them. i love them both, and they are very happy.”
“my friend (24 f[emale]) asked me to be a bridesmaid, and of course i accepted. they have recently sent out invites and when i saw the date, i realised it was the anniversary of my mums passing.”
“this took me back a little, as she knew the date of my mother’s passing so i messaged her and asked if this was a definite date and not a mock-up.”
“she confirmed it was the real date, and why i was asking. i then said it’s the first anniversary of my mother’s passing and that it’s kind of a big deal for me.”
“now this is the kicker, she said ‘oh i know, but it’s nearly been a year i thought you were over it. also having my wedding on that day should take your mind off of it!'”
“i was dumbfounded, as she knows full well i am not ‘over it.’ i said i’d still attend, but would like some time in the morning to go to my mother’s grave and say hello, put flowers down etc. she said no, that i was needed with her as a bridesmaid.”
“I told her she was being quite a bit of a d*ck and that i don’t want to be a bridesmaid if she is going to continue like this.”
“Her fiancé then messaged me telling me i’m a piece of sh*t for walking out of the wedding so last minute, and that i can go to the grave whenever i want.”
“I feel a bit awful about this and i’m unsure whether or not i’m the a**hole.”
The OP clarified in an update:
“I never asked her to change the date of her wedding. i just asked for confirmation that it was on that date, and to ask if she remembered what day that was for me.”
“Only thing i asked to do was go to my mother’s grave on the morning of the wedding. I would never expect her to change it for me and my issues.”
“AITA?”
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors sympathized with the OP and voiced their mostly not the a**hole judgments.
“NTA I was on her side thinking that she maybe just didn’t realise the date until she said she ‘thought you’d be over it’. Damn.” – redditor191389
“NTA. If she’d said ‘I’m so sorry; this was the only date that worked,’ that’d be one thing.”
“But doubling down on ‘I thought you’d be over it’ when you clearly wouldn’t be having the conversation if that was the case, let alone refusing to make any accommodations for you to recognize the day on your own?”
“Walk away from the wedding and ‘friendship’ without regrets.” – mm172
“NTA. I WOULD have called you the a**hole if only the first part of the story existed. It is unreasonable to try to plan the date you pick for your wedding around the feelings of every invited guest about the day chosen.”
“That being said, once you expressed why you were hung up on the date the appropriate response would have been ‘I’m so sorry we had to pick that date, I know it is hard for you, but that was the only time at the venue we could get and we will do what we can to make you feel comfortable.'”
“What you instead got was someone basically saying ‘Get over it’ and then when you proposed a VERY, VERY reasonable compromise (taking a little time in the morning to go to the grave) they basically told you to go screw yourself and that you can go to her grave anytime.”
“Then her fiance jumps on board to call you a piece of shit? Yeah, this is a wedding you need to skip, and honestly it’s probably for the best they picked that date or you would have wasted your time and energy investing in a friend who doesn’t give a sh*t about you (and a gift).” – Dr_Asshole_PhD
“NTA. Your friend is a d*ck.”
“If she hadn’t realised the date and everything is already booked then she could have at least been polite about it and said she had forgotten.” – heymallorie
Those who continue to grieve the loss of a family member shared their thoughts.
“NTA. I don’t know anyone who just ‘gets over’ their mom passing within a year. It’s been almost 12 years for me and I would still be upset if my best friend knowingly booked her wedding on that day.”
“It’s never going to be a day I don’t care about or feel the need to be alone a bit.” – Rad-rude-DUH-bega
“We lost my grandad 5 years ago, but he was my dad (not literally, he was the primary male caregiver for my formative years)”
“I still haven’t been able to pick up any cross stitch and the first year, I cried anytime I had a cheese sandwich. It’s the one thing that will be bittersweet when I get married, as I always said ‘Grandad will be who walks me down the aisle.'”
“OP, big hugs, and NTA.” – NuttyDounuts14
“I had my 10th Mother’s Day without my mom this year and I basically had to avoid the Internet that day from my grief. Time heals but the pain of loss never really goes away.”
“I was a certifiable mess on the first anniversary of my mother’s death; there was no way I’d be able to play happy bridesmaid then.” – charenton_
“Almost 6 years for me and if anything the pain seems to get worse. How anyone can expect someone to get over the loss of their mother in a year is utterly baffling. Hugs.” – prettyorganist
“Two weeks from this Friday will mark the 21st year of my mom’s passing. I turn 42 this year, and came to the realization that I have lived half my life without my mother. You just don’t get ‘over it.'”
“I would skip the wedding, cut off the friend (and anyone else who badgers OP) and not lose a minute of sleep. Bride and groom are so up each others back-sides that they lack empathy or basic humanity.”
“NTA.” – Jorojr
“My mom died in 1993 and I’m still ‘not over it.’ I’m 55 now, so I’ve missed her longer than I had her, at this point.”
“Op is definitely NTA. Bridezilla certainly is though.” – BeckyKleitz
While a bride is entitled to choosing her wedding day, many Redditors agreed her response to the OP lacked compassion; therefore, the bride was considered someone not worthy of being a friend.
They also suggested the OP should skip the wedding altogether.