Everyone has a different threshold for what they will put up with in a relationship, as well as what they expect to gain and experience from that relationship.
But some people are so passionate about their needs in their relationship, they’ll act very quickly when they realize they aren’t going to get what they want, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor throwawayNo6956 had been in a committed relationship with his girlfriend for over five years, and he had eyes for no one else but her.
But when she came home, teasing the idea of spicing up their relationship by opening it up, the Original Poster (OP) was so hurt by the suggestion that he immediately knew they were over.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for breaking up with my girlfriend for suggesting an open relationship and not letting her explain?”
The OP was deeply hurt when his girlfriend teased the idea of an open relationship.
“My girlfriend of about five years recently suggested an open relationship.”
“I know what an open relationship is, but just in case I misheard, I asked her to elaborate, and yeah… Pretty much what you would think. She wanted us to be able to have sex with others.”
“I took a deep breath and said that we were done. I’ve seen stories about open relationships and know that there’s no way in h**l I’d ever want one.”
“She tried to take it back, but I told her that the fact that she had the nerve to even ask is a deal breaker.”
The OP did not see the suggestion coming.
“FYI, we had NEVER done anything with another person, and I have never suggested any of it, so there’s no way I ever gave her any hints. This is not something I’d want.”
“I didn’t even listen to her and just ignored her as she kept trying to explain and apologize.”
“She said something about her friends trying it out and making it sound like it was fun, and it made her curious, but I didn’t listen to the rest.”
The OP immediately left the relationship.
“I just packed some stuff and went to stay with my parents. I was so hurt, I just had to get away from her. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but I couldn’t look at her.”
“She’s been trying to call me, but honestly… I feel like asking for an open relationship is basically asking for permission to cheat.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP by sharing similar experiences that ended badly.
“That’s how my first marriage ended. My now ex-wife started suggesting an open relationship, but said she had nobody in mind. She just wanted the option hypothetically.”
“However, she’d been hanging out with the one single guy in our local friend group and hid it from me, so I immediately knew what was happening. She denied it completely.”
“We mutually agreed to end things, and she immediately began dating him officially. Six months later, she wanted to vent about him to me, and I said I didn’t want to hear it. She ‘made her bed.'”
“I was out of there. Much happier afterwards. It was a blessing in disguise, and I met my new wife a couple of years later, and we’ve been together over 10 years.” – ZachUncorked
“My wife and I had been having issues for a while. One night, she hung out with an old high school friend. She came home and proposed being open.”
“I originally thought it wouldn’t be that bad. Years earlier, we had a one-time MMF threesome with a coworker of hers. (Might have turned ongoing, but he got weird in general, and relapsed on something and left town.) But either way, we never had any issues between us over it.”
“Anyway. She began sleeping with him immediately, it hurt me worse than I thought, and she kept vetoing me doing anything with anyone else, because despite sleeping with another guy regularly, she ‘wasn’t ready’ for me to do the same yet.”
“Finally, another girl sent me a topless pic. My wife flipped out completely. Told me I had to cut the other girl out of my life completely, and ‘she would consider not sleeping with her friend for a while while we figured things out.'”
“I literally walked into the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror, and thought, ‘I can’t do this. I can’t be a man okay with his life being like this.'”
“Ended up leaving the next day.” – PhoenixApok
“It’s how my first and most likely last marriage ended. We were already struggling pretty badly.”
“I knew exactly who she had in mind and that it was almost certainly the end. The twist is I had been in a four-year-long open relationship with the girlfriend before, and my wife knew all about it. We had been friends at the time. Wife had always been monogamous.”
“So anyway, she dropped it on me right before an annual weekend camping trip with a bunch of my male friends. She, of course, hooked up with dude while I was gone. She’s out with him again a couple of weeks later, and two women I’m friends with invite me out to the local bar for one of their birthdays.”
“One of them lived like six blocks from me. I hooked up with them, and my wife freaked out about it. She could have a boyfriend, but I couldn’t have a one-off threesome apparently.”
“I ended the marriage a few months later. I would have done it sooner, but my wife agreed to give counselling a try. Wife told dude they can be fully together and she can move in with him. He ghosts her. Everyone previously warned her he was a douche.”
“It worked out for both of us in the end. But it was a very s**tty time.” – siltyclaywithsand
“NTA. This is actually a rule I have, having been through this before.”
“An ex wanted an open relationship. I said no, I’m absolutely not interested. She said okay but brought it up a couple more times, eventually consented to her seeing another woman (not something I can provide so… okay, I guess?).”
“She had an issue when I tried to go on a date myself, when she was about one month into seeing her new part-time partner. So we closed the relationship.”
“Yeah, she was cheating on me with other guys the whole time.”
“So moving forward, to align with what I want (hard monogamy), I’m not interested in dating someone who would even consider an open relationship. I’m looking for someone who wants me and only me.”
“I’m also single for over six years… I hope you have better luck, but I’d rather be alone than in a s**t relationship.” – FarAd2245
“Under no circumstances open your relationship or do a threesome. Every person that I have known who has done this has either broken up or wound up in divorce court, no exceptions. The reason people want to open their relationship is to cheat without guilt.”
“I had a very good friend of mine who did it, and he said it was the biggest mistake that he ever made. He said it was fun and exciting in the very beginning, but his ex-wife developed feelings for the person, which led to them getting divorced.”
“I asked him what he recommended, and he said under no certain terms, no.”
“And the only thing I’ll say is, your ex-girlfriend wants to be able to cheat without guilt, and I’m going to put money down that she already had the individual that she wanted to invite into the relationship, and opening your relationship will only lead to jealousy and resentment.”
“You did the right thing in breaking up with her because you knew this was something that you could not accept. Under no circumstances, under no certain terms, should you get back together with her again. Stay broken up with her. NTA. I’m sorry this happened to you.” – joesmolik
Others empathized with the OP about what he was feeling.
“NTA. The offer was an open relationship, and you declined the offer. She wants to go back to the way things were, but at this point, you know you aren’t enough in her mind. Please pack the rest of your stuff or ask her to vacate the place and find someone who values you.” – Wakemeup3000
“You know what you want and what you deserve. I’m glad you’re not settling for less. Sometimes, being single is priceless.” – Icy_Animal1107
“CAN WE GET A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR THE HOMIE WITH SELF RESPECT?! NTA.” – Jackalope3434
“Honestly, nine out of ten times when someone asks to open a closed relationship, they’re either already having an affair, or it’s a soft launch of the affair.” – AsleepRespectAlias
“Good for you! I applaud your self-respect for staying true to your values!” – kimmysharma
“Just wait. After she realizes you’re not coming back, you’ll see who she wanted to cheat with pop up in her socials.”
“When someone who has never expressed any interest in an open relationship suddenly wants one, at ‘best,’ there’s someone waiting in the wings, and at worst, they’ve already cheated and want to make it acceptable.” – PandaEnthusiast89
“NTA. You can’t take something like that back, unfortunately, because it showed her cards: she is fine with you and her being intimate and ‘sharing yourselves’ with others. I’d find it hard to let anyone come back from that if they suggested it, as it’s probably still in their mind and has shown me that we have different things in mind.”
“I think it’s good that you’re able to read from others’ mistakes and avoid making one yourself. You’ve probably saved yourself and her from a lot of regret and pain.”
“I’m sorry this happened and that you had to find out in this way. I wish you the best in moving forward.” – DangerousWithForks
“I think there are some people who can successfully pull off open relationships (the thought personally makes me sick to my stomach, but to each their own).”
“However, I don’t think there are people who can successfully open a relationship that was previously closed. If you start monogamous, you gotta stay that way.” – Remarkable-Rust-230
“Open relationships are hard to do properly at the best of times.”
“And from what I’ve seen, when someone brings it up out of the blue, they’ve already got someone lined up, or they’re already cheating and feel guilty, so they bring up opening the relationship to ease their guilt.”
“You made the right choice here. NTA.” – Sharp_Magician_6628
The subReddit completely understood what the OP was feeling and reassured him that he was right to make a quick and clean break.
While the girlfriend did not need to be shamed for wanting to explore something new, it was suspicious she was bringing it up out of nowhere after her friends made it sound “fun,” and if it made the OP uncomfortable, then it wasn’t the relationship for him, plain and simple.