There's no "right" way to date, as long as the people dating each other agree with their relationship arrangements.
But wanting a different relationship style, after already agreeing to the parameters of the relationship, isn't an excuse to cheat, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor HoneydewHot4731 dated their girlfriend for almost seven years when she admitted to cheating on them on a work trip.
But when she blamed her polyamorous past and claimed that she "misunderstood" their arrangement, the Original Poster (OP) was angry that she was trying to avoid taking accountability for her action.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for breaking up with my partner of almost seven years over one slip-up?"
The OP felt conflicted about breaking up with their long-time girlfriend.
"I’ve been wracked with guilt about this for almost a year and just want opinions."
"I chose to break up with my partner of six and a half years because they/she slept with someone else while on a solo vacation last year. They were on a work trip, which they extended into a couple of weeks of travelling in Europe."
"We had been talking sporadically while they were away (I was on a road trip at the same time, so time was hard to find), but I noticed that they felt very distracted when we talked."
"The day I got back from my trip, they called me and told me that they had slept with someone at the conference and that we should 'talk about how to handle this going forward.'"
"I was really upset and said that I didn’t want to hash this over the phone, but indicated that I was really hurt and that it was a huge breach of trust."
"We continued to talk day to day, and I helped them figure out a few things to finish off the trip and get back home."
The OP was hurt by the follow-up conversation about the affair.
"When they got back a couple of weeks later, I picked them up from the airport, and after putting it off a while, I said that we needed to talk about what happened."
"After hearing her out, I understood parts. We had been having some issues in our relationship, and I could understand that there were some feelings of loneliness, as I had also had them."
"But what I got stuck on was this: They refused to accept that it was cheating because she had been in a poly relationship before we dated. Our relationship was explicitly monogamous, and I made a point to both ask them if they were satisfied with that throughout the relationship."
"It was never brought up as an issue, but they thought it was unfair of me to consider this cheating when they told me they had multiple partners in the past."
"In my opinion, that did not matter as we never had that arrangement, and they never asked me to explore it."
"They kept saying that this was so sad because we both got hurt due to their misunderstanding of our arrangement. But I’m sure it was clear."
"They also knew I’d been cheated on twice before, and I expressed how much that impacted my sense of worth."
"When I asked what they were thinking, and how they thought I’d feel, they just said that it wasn’t really something that crossed their mind."
The OP didn't see the relationship having a future anymore.
"What I expressed was that making me now decide to bother forgiving this and move forward, knowing things would need to open up was deeply unfair and made me feel like I'd be in the wrong for now saying no and not letting them be true to that part of themselves."
"They said I didn’t have to decide then, but in my opinion, it felt stupid to overcome one obstacle without considering the next. And it felt like too much."
"We tried for a couple of weeks, and after attending a wedding together, I found it to be too much and called it quits."
"I felt sure of myself at first, but in the months before I could move out, I felt horrible about the decision."
The OP continued to feel conflicted about the breakup.
"They yelled at me because I didn’t plan anything for their birthday, which happened about a month later, and insisted that they were glad we broke up since I was so childish."
"It really just messed with my perception and made me doubt that I was doing the right thing."
"I felt like I had somehow gotten it all wrong."
"We said we would continue to talk and try to be friends, but I just felt worse over time and stopped talking to them at all."
"Against my better judgement i went on a walk with them recently, and they asked me if I had reconsidered. I said I thought about it a lot, but ultimately I needed to stick to my decision as it had all really hurt me, and I needed to focus on myself."
"Stupidly, we did hook up, but before we did, I said that I wanted to be clear that it wasn’t an indication that my mind changed, just that there was still lingering passion."
"After this, I feel like I messed up again, and it’s set me back on coming to terms with my initial decision to end things. I know this is one-sided, but I really am looking for perspective on if I overreacted to things."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that they did not overreact and that their girlfriend did not just "slip up."
"All I needed to read was the first paragraph. Sleeping with someone else is not a 'slip-up.' Please move on." - bubblegumfudge
"It's not a slip-up. It is a deliberate choice."
"When she justifies herself, she is telling you that there are situations where she thinks it is valid to step out of the relationship in the future. Don't stick around and put yourself through that." - jabertsohn
"She's all like, 'I slept with someone else, but I feel like this should be normal, so it doesn't count as cheating.'"
"Uh, no."
"'Cheat' implies a breaking of rules. Your relationship had the monogamy clause, so she did definitely cheat." - Artemis_does_maths
"A 'slip up'? Absolutely not. If you stay, it’s obvious it will happen again and again. NOR." - t4ctic4lc4ctus
"Your girlfriend didn't cheat 'in your opinion.' She cheated BY DEFINITON. Leave her a**! NOR!" - bruinsbabe_
"Cheating is never a slip-up or a mistake. It is a series of deliberate decisions to deceive loved ones for short-term pleasure."
"Again, cheating doesn't happen in a split second. It takes making a decision to advance past boundaries, performing the act itself, and then (usually) telling lies to cover it up. Nothing about that is a mistake." - EnglishRose71
Others agreed and pointed out that their relationship was only polyamorous if they consented to it.
"As a person who has spent most of their life being poly, polyamory is not a free-for-all where boundaries and rules are nonexistent, nor is it an identity that allows you to cheat."
"If you don't want to be monogamous, don't get into a monogamous relationship."
"Agreeing to monogamy means it is cheating to sleep with someone else, regardless of whether you've been poly before or any nonsense like that. Anyone who tells you otherwise is just a cheater making excuses."
"REAL poly people are very respectful and communicative about boundaries and limits in a relationship." - LilaRodwell
"NOR. Their argument is complete bulls**t. They sleep with someone else and say it’s because they weren’t monogamous in their previous relationship? Makes no sense."
"You were together for six and a half years, and they didn’t sleep with anyone for that long? But then they go on a work trip, and they 'slip-up'? No, they didn't do that based on 'old habits' or anything like that; they just wanted to bang someone else."
"Please know your worth. NOR."
"Also, they literally said, 'This was so sad, because we both got hurt due to their misunderstanding or our arrangement.' This has got to be a joke on their part, as if they have been monogamous the entire relationship, six d**n years of not having sexual relations with another person, and they misunderstood your arrangement?"
"They also admit that they weren’t thinking of you or your feelings, knowing d**n well you have been cheated on in the past."
"I hope you know this isn’t love. Disregard the relationship before this because they showed you who they are, finally, and want you to change to make them happy."
"Don’t engage with them anymore, and cut this s**t off cold-turkey, please, as you’re only hurting yourself. You have nothing to regret, and the decision you made was made with time to think, and I believe it was correct."
"I’m sorry this happened to you." - Its-Probably-Me_30
"Their partner is straight up a narcissist, downplaying what happened, and then blaming it on a misunderstanding of the rules laid out between them, trying to act as if both of them didn't understand the rules, and generally minimizing the whole affair."
"Then, after the breakup, being p**sed their ex didn't think of something for their birthday?"
"Yeah, better off running FAR away from them." - Backwardspellcaster
"As someone who has been in both poly and mono relationships, cheating is cheating. Your trust was broken."
"She f**ked up, not you. NOR." - scientits69
"You are not overreacting at all, because cheating is a choice, and their attempt to blame their past polyamory for violating your clearly established monogamous boundaries is sort of a textbook form of gaslighting." - jaspreetkaur33654
Though the OP and their girlfriend were together for nearly seven years, it sounded like they were no longer compatible, as the girlfriend wanted to be in a polyamorous relationship instead of a monogamous one.
As long as the OP and their girlfriend wanted different types of relationships, they'd never be able to make it work.
