Many divorced couples do their best to maintain an amicable relationship.
After all, since they no doubt share friends, places, and possibly children, they shouldn't let the unpleasantness that led them to end their marriage get in the way of their happiness.
However, these couples also got divorced for a reason, meaning certain boundaries should be set.
Redditor RemoteDiligent7640 recently went through a fairly challenging divorce.
Complicated by the fact that the original poster (OP) and his ex-wife still shared some mutual friends.
While the OP was making progress in moving on with his life, even planning a trip with these mutual friends and his new girlfriend, the trip ended up hitting a speed bump.
A speed bump involving his ex-wife.
Having some doubts about how well he handled things, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for refusing to let my ex-wife stay at my house while I’m on vacation with my new girlfriend?"
The OP explained why they found their upcoming vacation with their girlfriend in limbo:
"I (44 M[ale]) got divorced recently after a pretty rough marriage."
"I’ve been trying to move forward, establish some healthy boundaries, and build a new life."
"I’ve also started seeing someone and we’re taking a long weekend trip together."
"A close couple friend of mine was supposed to come with us."
"The wife is still very good friends with my ex-wife."
"The issue started because we both have dogs."
"Their preferred solution was for my ex-wife to stay at my house while I was away and watch my dogs."
"She would also watch their dog."
"The thing is, I’ve done this before."
"My ex-wife has stayed at my house while I was out of town."
"Every time it seemed to create some kind of issue afterwards."
"Comments about things in my house, comments about how I’m living, questions about stuff that frankly isn’t her business anymore."
"Nothing huge, but enough where I realized I don’t really want to keep doing it."
"So this time I said no.I didn’t just leave them hanging either."
"We have a babysitter/pet sitter that we’ve used for years."
"She’s responsible, knows the dogs, and was willing to help both of us."
"I thought it was a pretty reasonable solution."
"My friend’s wife wasn’t comfortable with that."
"She only wanted my ex-wife."
"At that point they decided not to go on the trip."
"Now they’re upset with me."
"My buddy basically told me that if the roles were reversed he’d do whatever it took to make the trip work."
"He said I was being selfish and that the whole thing was bullsh*t."
"Part of their argument is that a few weeks ago we were all together on Father’s Day and my ex-wife and I were joking around and being friendly."
"Fair enough."
"I had a few drinks and was probably more playful than I should have been."
"But being friendly for a few hours at a family event is very different than wanting my ex-wife staying in my house while I’m away with my new girlfriend."
"Also, just because I allowed something before doesn’t mean I have to be comfortable with it forever."
"Sometimes you do something a few times and then realize, 'yeah, this actually isn’t healthy for me'.”
"For additional context, my friends know exactly what happened in my marriage and how difficult the divorce was."
"That’s part of why I’m so surprised by the reaction."
"What bothers me most is that I actually tried to solve the problem."
"It wasn’t 'my way or the highway'.”
"I found another option."
"They just didn’t like the option."
"I also can’t help but wonder if some of this has less to do with the dog and more to do with the fact that my friend’s wife is still close friends with my ex-wife and maybe feels conflicted about going on a couples trip with me and my new girlfriend."
"I don’t know if that’s true, but it has crossed my mind."
"So AITA for holding the boundary and refusing to let my ex-wife stay at my house, even though it resulted in my friends canceling the trip and now being angry with me?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community mostly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to allow their ex-wife to stay in his house.
Everyone agreed that the OP had every right to say who could and couldn't stay in their house, and found the logic of the OP's friend didn't quite add up:
"NTA and why was the only option for the ex wife to stay at your house to watch all the dogs snd not their house to watch the dogs? "
"It sounds like this friendship isnt gona last the divorce, as they seem to have ‘picked a side’ so I’d get comfortable with that feeling/notion now and just get them all outa your life."- RipLow2675
"Are you really sure these people are your friends?"
"They know the reasons for the divorce, but they’re perfectly happy to boundary stomp—and allow your ex to—for their convenience."
"When that didn’t work, they threw a tanty."
"NTA, not for your boundary and not for holding the line."- KaetzenOrkester
"NTA."
"There is nothing stopping your ex watching your friends' dog."
"She doesn't need to stay at your house to do this and she doesn't need to watch your dog."
"They are being unreasonable and seem to be siding with your wife for some reason."
"Looks like she might have won your friends in the divorce."- OK_LK
"They picked your ex wife they are no longer your friends."
"NTA."- BriefHorror
"Your friends suck."
"This absolutely has something to do with your friend’s wife being friends with your ex."
"NTA."- OppositeSquirrel3324
"NTA."
"Why can't your Ex stay at their place and watch their dogs?"- Lighthouse_on_Mars
"NTA."
"That is a ridiculous stipulation."
"Why cant the ex wife watch the dogs at the friends house?"- meekonesfade
"NTA."
"Because No is a complete sentence."
"You don't owe anyone access to your home."- OkSun113
"NTA."
"Your tone deaf and frankly unintelligent friends can have your ex-wife stay at their house if it is imperative that she watch their pet."- Diligent-Sleep8025
It doesn't make sense that she needs access to YOUR house. The OP later returned with an update, clarifying a few things regarding the situation:
"A few things I probably should have explained better."
"The couple lives directly next door to me."
"The original plan wasn’t for my ex-wife to stay at their house."
"The plan was for her to stay overnight at my house, watch my dogs, and then walk next door to take care of their dog."
"Their dog is very old, very small, and deaf, so I do understand why they were worried about having someone unfamiliar watch him."
"I don’t think that’s unreasonable."
"That said, the person I suggested wasn’t a random stranger."
"She’s a babysitter/pet sitter we’ve used and someone we trust."
"She knows our dogs and was willing to help with both houses."
"My ex-wife also lives about five minutes away, so there were other possible arrangements besides her staying overnight in my home."
"She could have checked in multiple times a day, or they could have worked something out directly with her."
"Another wrinkle is that my ex-wife is currently watching her mother’s dog, and that dog has snapped at my neighbors’ dog before."
"So the situation wasn’t quite as simple as 'just have my ex-wife watch the dog'.”
"One thing I also didn’t mention is that my ex-wife and I have children together."
"This isn’t just a house to me, it’s also my kids’ home."
"Part of moving forward after the divorce has been creating healthier boundaries around what is still shared and what isn’t."
"For those saying I’m being inconsistent because I’ve allowed my ex-wife to stay at my house before, that’s actually part of the reason I said no this time."
"After doing it previously, I realized it wasn’t healthy for me."
"It blurred boundaries that I’m trying to establish as I move forward."
"Just because I was okay with something before doesn’t mean I have to keep being okay with it forever."
"I wasn’t trying to stop them from going."
"In fact, I spent time trying to find another solution because I genuinely wanted them there."
"I just wasn’t willing to make the solution be my ex-wife staying overnight in my house."
The OP's friends are valid about being picky as to who can take care of their dogs.
That being said, the OP similarly has the right to be picky as to who can stay in his house while he's away.
As the OP was the one who came up with a compromise, his friends truly have no one but themselves to blame for their trip being called off.
