Sometimes the relationships between kids and stepparents are a disaster.
Not every new spouse fits into the family.
This can make family events difficult and dramatic, especially weddings.
Who is left off the guest list can cause very deep strife.
But some newlyweds feel that they have to do what they have to do for their special day.
Redditor Silver_Example_3195 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not wanting to invite my dads wife to my wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My dad married his wife when I was 16."
"She has been nothing but rude to my brother and me over the last decade."
"I can count on one hand the number of good interactions I’ve had with her."
"I don’t really speak to my dad now because of her and many other things from childhood."
"My dad brought up to me that he’d be at my wedding, and I said maybe you can, but your wife definitely will not."
"He didn’t take that well and said I couldn’t do that."
"I told him that if he can’t show up without her, he won’t be invited at all."
"That being said, I’d like to invite my dad (I think), but I don’t think he would come without her, and under no circumstances do I want her there."
"I am not willing to budge."
"For context, she bought a house while my brother lived with them and kicked him out by not buying a house with a room for him."
"She caused a scene at my college graduation because it was during COVID, and only my mom and dad could be in the ceremony room."
"She has nasty comments every time I see her, and we have fought numerous times over the years because she is just so rude to my brother and me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA, and honestly, you're probably better off rescinding the invite to your dad."
"He's shown you over and over that he will choose her."
"Your wedding day should be happy, and with people who truly care for you, and sadly, it seems like your dad is not in this category." ~ justbraised
"I can't even comprehend why OP would want them there at this point?"
"So they can continue to disappoint?"
"So they can continue to not step up as a father?"
"So they can continue to not give a sh*t about their own kids?"
"If this guy cared, he would've extended an olive branch or y'know, tried to be a dad. But he didn't because he's a waste of space parent, who clearly will always put his penis before his children."
"Open your eyes, OP."
"Listen to this ^ and rescind that invite." ~ D3athC0mesT0A11
"Ordinarily, I'd say that a husband and wife need to be invited as a package deal, BUT there are exceptions, and oh boy, is this ever one of them."
"Your dad - I'm guessing - has stood by for years and let her treat you and your brother cruelly."
"The abuse may not have come from his lips or his brain, but he's no better than her by passively allowing it to happen and not only remaining married to her, but actively choosing her over you."
"You are absolutely NTA for setting this restriction."
"That being said, I'm gonna go full Redditor paranoid and suggest that you have a trusted (and hopefully large) male friend or relative appointed on the day of your wedding to keep an eye out for her. It would not surprise me at all if your dad agrees to your condition only to turn around and try to sneak her in anyway."
"So someone (or ideally multiple someones) keeping an eye out to ask her/them to leave would probably be a good idea." ~ helenaflowers
"NTA, but very honestly, I'd recommend simply not inviting your dad at all."
"It's not worth the hassle." ~ MakalakaPeaka
"I'd not invite your dad then, because not inviting a spouse is in general not ok its a package deal."
"You have every right to not want the problems at your wedding, but understand he has been part of all those times, including the house purchase and treatment of your brother, etc." ~ BettieNuggs
"NTA, inviting your dad does not mean inviting the person who has repeatedly disrespected you, especially after she caused drama at another major life event."
"He can be mad about it, but he does not get to make your wedding about her feelings." ~ confcarla
"While I think you're NTA (I wouldn't be inviting her either), I just wanted to point out that, by not inviting her, you are effectively ending your relationship with your dad."
"It sounds like he hasn't been great either - I mean, yeah, she did all this sh*t, but he let her - but it sounds like you are still on the fence about maintaining a relationship with him."
"This move will pretty much take you off the fence and place you firmly on the 'I'm never seeing him again' side."
"I don't think you'd be in the wrong to choose that, because again, he has chosen to stay with a woman who treats his own kids like absolute shit, but yeah, it's just something to keep in mind."
"Congratulations on your wedding, and I'm sure it will be an amazing event surrounded by people who truly love you." ~ Final-Yesterday-4799
"NTA. Your dad gets absolutely no say in who is and who isn't invited to your wedding."
"Frankly, he should count himself lucky he was invited after being such a trash dad to you and your brother and after letting his wife treat you and your brother like dirt."
"He can either act like a grown-up and accept the fact that his wife isn't invited, or he can miss out on one of the biggest events of his daughter's life and regret it for the rest of his life."
"Whatever he decides, do not let it ruin you and your fiancé's big day, and enjoy being surrounded by the people who truly love you both, who come to celebrate your wedding."
"Keep us updated!!!" ~ PreferenceOld6364
"Your wedding should be all about joy and happiness."
"If she would make that impossible, she doesn’t get to be there."
"It’s your dad’s issue to deal with, not yours. NTA." ~ Bhaastsd
"NTA, your dad needs to father up and draw some boundaries."
"This situation is his own doing."
"The best you can do is sit down and have an actual conversation with him."
"Take it from someone who was alienated from her dad for most of her life, and finally, in her 20s, decided to ‘bury the hatchet.'"
"Your dad surely loves you more than the woman, he might not realise what he’s doing to y’all." ~ miss_squirtini
"My beans are on Dad, who is led by his little head and has never even THOUGHT that he should show unconditional love to his child. He never intervened in his wife's ill treatment of his kids before, so I don't see an epiphany on the horizon."
"NTA. OP deserves to be surrounded only by loving supporters on their wedding day." ~ desertboots
"NTA! Seriously, she seems like it, though."
"Honestly, I would talk to dad and be 100% clear that if he brings her, they are both not welcome."
"It sucks that you're in this situation, but she chose to be a perra."
"Congratulations to you on your wedding!!!" ~ richb0199
"NTA. While she is your father's wife, she has not built a relationship with you as a trusted adult."
"What you have to explain to your father is that you're not excluding her because he got married again or she's his wife."
"She's been excluded because of her behavior and the relationship she never sought to build with his children."
"In fact, all she's built is a negative relationship, so they can't expect that you'd want to include her in your positive moments."
"I think you'll do better not to invite your father at all."
"Sad, I know, but based on her causing a scene at your graduation-- they will try to crash your wedding if he's invited." ~ moew4974
"NTA, this is why I don’t believe in the etiquette rule that if you invite a married person, you have to invite their spouse or give them a plus one - why invite someone that you don’t want at your own wedding?"
"In your case, I wouldn’t even invite your dad."
"He’s already chosen a side, and the fact that you only 'think' you want him there puts him firmly on the no invite list." ~ EmploymentPast540
"NTA and be careful with this one."
"She sounds like someone who can also be vindictive when things don't go her way."
"Make sure you have things in place that nothing with your venue/caterers/etc, can be changed without your express approval."
"I picture her trying to cancel things, pretending to be you or someone who has the authority to do so."
"Good luck with everything." ~ RedKittieKat
"NTA, and you may not want to invite him either."
"Too much of a chance he will bring her anyway or make a scene."
"You know him best, though, and how he will likely behave if he shows up (alone)."
"If it were me, I’d have a private little heart-to-heart with him, explaining your reasoning, reminding him of all the horrible things she did to you."
"Make it clear in no uncertain terms that she will absolutely not be allowed at your wedding."
"And tell him you would love for him to be there."
"He can then decide if he will come alone or not attend at all." ~ teamnowak
Reddit is with you, OP.
It's your wedding, you can invite or not invite whoever you want to.
Your dad is out of line.
You deserve to be surrounded by love and support, not drama and rudeness.
Good luck and Congratulations!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp