Everyone has a unique relationship with their grandparents.
Particularly when it comes to how they address them.
Of course, grandma, grandpa, grandad, grammy, and granny are all fairly standard.
Many, however, choose to be referred to by a name a bit more out of the box.
Sometimes resulting in raised eyebrows from others.
The mother-in-law (MIL) of Redditor mymomsshoes went by a somewhat unorthodox name by her first grandchild, the niece of the original poster (OP)'s husband.
While the OP didn't think much of this, she was less than comfortable when her MIL wanted to be addressed by this name by her own child.
Only to be met by deaf ears by both her MIL and her husband.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for not wanting my child to call my MIL mama?"
The OP explained why they were less than comfortable with what her MIL wanted her new baby to call her:
"Our baby is 4 months old and my husband has a niece who is a teenager."
"His niece calls his mom (my MIL) mama because when she was younger she couldn’t say grandma and has done so since then."
"I have said since before we were engaged that I respect his mom but I want my baby to call me mama (including mom and mommy)."
"My MIL was fine with being grandma but now she’s decided to call herself mama again when talking to my baby."
"I’ve expressed my feelings a few times now and I feel like she’s not going to respect my wishes as she keeps disregarding me."
"I’ve talked to my husband about it but he doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal."
"For reference, his family is Canadian (immigrated from England 80 years ago) and nobody else in the family refers to their grandmother as mama."
"My husband and his sister refer to their grandparents as grandma and grandpa."
"If she were wanting this title for cultural reasons, I would probably not feel this way."
"This feels like a battle I shouldn’t have to fight, as I feel like I’ve earned the name mama, and I’m so excited for my baby to start saying it!"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP had every right to be uncomfortable and upset by her baby calling her MIL "mama".
"NTA. That's just weird."
"You are your child's mother."
"Your husband needs to make it a big deal because it's a big deal to you and you're his partner, not his mother."-CockamouseGoesWee
"NTA at all."
"Why isn’t your husband sticking up for you?"
"This is very weird to me."
"This is a hill I would die on personally."
"I’ve heard of grandmothers being called a lot of nicknames, but mama isn’t one of them."- Adventurous_Tree3386
"Every time she calls herself mama just laugh and say silly grandma, I'm your mama!"
"Combine this with taking the baby away from her."
"Should make your point."- Top-Bit85
"My own mother did sh*t like that."
"My daughter would call for me 'mama' and my mother would respond EVERY time, like actively pushing in front of me too."
"I would put a firm boundary and be like, I'm the mom, stop that, that's not okay."
"And she would just say 'woops, it's just in my nature'."
"She started saying things like 'it's like I'm the real mom and you're just the big sister' to me, despite never having changed a diaper or helping in any way, shape, or form."
"Needless to say, I cut contact entirely."
"Not overreacting."
"That is intentional and will get worse."
"Husband is not your partner, he's your mother's partner."- stairs-to-nowhere
"NTA."
"You and husband set the rules, not MIL."
"And mama is a title that is reserved for the mother, which is you."
"Don't back down, tell MIL you're happy she wants to be so involved with the baby, but she needs to respect you, and not mama."
"And if she can't respect that then she doesn't need to be around your child until she learns how to respect it."- castrodelavaga79
"Tell her she can have memaw or grandma and to stop pretending she gave birth to her son’s child."
"NTA."
"She knows what she’s doing and it’s gross."- Andromeda081
"NTA."
"Ask your husband how he would feel if your child called someone else daddy."- morganalefaye125
"NTA."
"And this is a situation where your husband should be on your side regardless of how big a deal he thinks it is."
"You think it’s a big deal and that’s enough."
"He needs to talk to his mom and tell her that she can’t have Mama."- WhatAWeek25
"Absolutely NTA."
"Mama is reserved exclusively for you!"
"My mum's grandma's name is based on a character that had 'Mama' in her name, but I said nope, no way are you going to be called that, so we switched to Nana instead."
"In fairness, as the kids get older, they kinda choose their own names for the grandparents, so whatever name you choose will likely evolve, but for babies learning to talk, insisting on mama for grandmother is a gross overreach."- Pavlover2022
"NTA."
"It is rather weird that your MIL wants to be known as MAMA to her SON'S child."- Scoobadelik
"Whenever you hear her call herself mama to your baby, immediately correct her every time."
"Reduce the time she spends with your child."
"Ask your pathetic, enabling husband, who doesn't think it's a big deal, if he'd be okay with your baby calling your dad daddy or dada?"
"Ask him if he knows any other people with kids whose grandmothers call themselves mama to their grandchildren."
"Put him on the spot because it sounds like he doesn't want to upset precious mommy's fee-fees, so he's dismissing your valid concerns, which is such a jerk move."
"She knows what she's doing."
"She can't be that stupid."
"Stand up to her for this and everything else she tries to overstep."
"NTA."- Laquila
"NTA."
"This is very strange."
"But I think that babies/toddlers learn what to call a person by hearing what people around them call the person."
"Like, I would assume when you talk to your baby about your husband, you refer to him as dad or daddy, and when he refers to you, he calls you mom or mama."
"So I would decide what we are calling Grandma and start using it."
"My mom wanted to be Nana, so I would say to my son, 'we're going to Nana's house' 'give Nana a hug', etc."
"And when talking to my brothers in front of my son, I would refer to her as Nana instead of Mom."
"The more you do it, the more likely the baby is going to too."
"It would be nice if your husband would also start doing it."
"But him hearing you do it will probably shift him to do it too over time."
"And once your baby is talking and calling her the name you've been using, it makes it more likely for your husband to use it too if he hasn't been."
"It also makes it more likely for your MIL to get on board with it too, because it would be weird to try to correct a baby/toddler when the name is a standard grandma name."- Wonderful_Ad_6089
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment, and sharing how her husband turned a corner:
"Wow!"
"Responses have been so supportive that I am in fact NTA, and I appreciate all the advice given!"
"I wanted to add that my husband is not weak or refusing to talk to his mom about this."
"He unfortunately did not understand how big of a deal this was, as he had been around his niece calling her mama for such a long time and as the only grandchild until our baby, he never saw an issue with it."
"I have explained it to him and showed him the responses here, and he apologized profusely and is going to have a conversation with her this week."
"He’s an amazing partner and father, it’s just unfortunate that my MIL is acting this way."
It would be one thing if "mama" had cultural connotations.
From the sound of it, however, the OP's MIL seems to want to be seen more as a mother than a grandmother.
More or less necessitating a different name to be addressed by.
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