A woman was excited to have her first child, but her mother was even more thrilled at becoming a grandparent.
This level of enthusiasm can be a blessing, but for the first-time mom, it was turning into the opposite.
When things got a little dramatic, the ensuing tension led the woman to visit the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Dirty-Diane999 asked:
"AITA for not giving my mom a "grandmother experience" with my baby?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
I (27 F[female]) had my first baby six months ago, and my mom (52 F[female]) has been over the top obsessed with being a grandmother. I expected her to be excited, but I didnt realize she saw this as her big life event."
"Before my son was even born, she started acting like she was gearing up to raise him alongside me. She set up a full nursery at her house, kept talking about all the weekends he'd be spending with her, and told me she planned to be there for all the firsts. It was weird, but I brushed it off as excitement."
The OP continued:
"Then he was born, and it got worse. She constantly criticizes everything I do. If I let him nap in my arms, Im spoiling him, if I don't bring him over enough, I'm keeping him from her. She's started showing up unannounced, and if I don't let her take the baby alone, she acts hurt, like I don't trust her."
"The final straw was last week at a family gathering. I was holding my son when she suddenly reached for him and tried to take him out of my arms, saying I needed a break. I pulled back and told her, 'I dont need a break, Mom. Ive got it.' She looked stunned and barely spoke to me for the rest of the night."
"Later, she sent me this long message about how I'm denying her the grandmother experience and treating her like a stranger. Now my dad and siblings are saying I should let her be more involved because she just loves him so much."
"I do not want to shut her out, but I also do not want to feel like I have to share my baby and be constantly criticized. Am I being too harsh?"
"AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"Oof. No. She has this imaginary vision of what being a grandma is and she will take anything from you to get it. Listen to your internal voice, and tell her no." – biblio_squid
"I understand she wants to be a part of his life, which is great! But she needs to understand you need time with him yourself to learn and parent in your own way, without having her constantly giving suggestions, everyone's parenting is different she needs to let you breathe a bit, she can still be in his life without acting like his mother though that's your job." – Away-Elephant-4323
"NTA. Your mom only gets to have as much contact with your son as you and your partner decide. She doesn't get a vote in the matter."
"You should gently let her know that if she keeps overstepping your boundaries, she is liable to get to see him less since by doing so, she is disrespecting you." – Flatulent_Opposum
"NTA. Your baby is not a community project, and your mom is acting like she signed up for a co-parenting role she was never offered. Loving her grandkid is great, but boundary stomping and guilt trips? Not so much. She can be involved without taking over. " – SableDove
"Denying her the 'grandmother experience'"
"…made me eye roll so hard. Ugh. Sorry your mom is inserting herself into your 'motherhood experience'! It won't be easy, but you'll need to have a heart-to-heart with her and find a happy medium, or this will only get worse."
"Be honest, tell her you are starting to pull back because you don't appreciate being criticized at every turn, and you want to get to a place where having her help is pleasant and welcome vs being stressful. Use that word, 'Mom, I love you but you're stressing me out…we need to find a balance between your grandmother experience and my motherhood experience.' NTA - Good luck OP " – MarionberryOk2874
"Your mother is wildly overstepping. I would stop giving into her immediately. Cold turkey! If she continues to push your boundaries then you cut her off. It may be harsh but maybe she will get it together l."
"You also need to set the same standards with your father and siblings. She will get what grandmother privileges you feel are appropriate. Otherwise she can have none. Your baby. Your choice. Nothing else matters." – thatlady425
"NTA. It sounds like you're trying to be a good mom and protect your relationship with your child, which is your right. Your mom is crossing boundaries and acting as if she has more say over your baby than she does. It's understandable that she's excited, but she needs to respect your role as a mother and your decisions."
"You're not keeping her from being involved, but you're also not obligated to let her dictate your parenting style or take the baby when she demands. You're allowed to have boundaries with your own child, and she needs to learn to respect that." – Impressive_Rub_7054
"I feel like you could kick the can down the road a bit by saying to your mother that as your kid gets older she can take a more active role but kids when they're under 2 or 3 are extremely attached and reliant on their mother."
"Would be his be something you could say for your own sanity?"
"It annoys me when grandparents are too interfering with the stage when a baby is literally an inert bundle who can't consent or protest. She should really wait until the kid can start making their choices and preferences because it won't be that long. Children grow up so fast."
"(p.s. She shouldn't be criticising you. Be firm with that and say 'that's they way you'd do it but I going to do it my way')"
"At worst it's emotionally manipulative to get the whole family on her side with a sob story." – DaphneCatastrophe
"NTA. Honestly, this screams 'I wanted another baby of my own but never got it', and if you give her an inch she's gonna take a freaking mile. Firm boundaries should be set now and adhered to at all times, even when it seems like she's changed, because that's just a diversion tactic to catch you slippin'. Your siblings and dad can also butt the hell out. " – Literal_Cheesehead12
"Your mom needs to realize that this baby is YOUR baby. While it doesn't excuse her behavior at all, she's likely finishing menopause and feeling wack. However, she needs to adjust her expectations. I anticipate the more she pushes, the less you are interested."
"I would 100% start with boundaries, like you must call before you show up."
"NTA." – Outrageous_Clue_9262
"You're not being harsh. You need to make boundaries. You are the mother. Your mother had her kids. Your mother is stressing you out having unrealistic expectations of you, the baby and her giving you her opinion."
"Not only that but your lazy family just wants you to do what your mother wants. Talk about pressure. You should probably put her on an attention diet. Any time she gives you her opinion, you won't go over to her house. Anytime she tries to take the baby, you pack it up and go home, or if she's at your house, tell her to leave."
"Make it clear to her that she gets no say whatsoever in your mothering, in the baby's care, and in any decisions about you and the baby. You're a full-grown woman, and you won't tolerate her interference. Things will go smoothly when grandma minds her Ps and Qs."
"Tell your family you won't tolerate their BS either. You don't have time or patience for it."
"You are not on this earth to entertain your mother's fantasies. Neither is your child." – ritlingit
"Wow. How exhausting. It's not like you aren't busy trying to figure out the mom stuff; now you need to figure out the grandma stuff? Feel free to say No.' It is a complete sentence."
"If you have the energy, call a family meeting and have a blunt discussion about how you need this time to bond with your child and figure out what being a mom means. Let your mom know that you love and appreciate her support, and you are grateful that she is available when you need a break."
"But (pause, look at mom) you need time and space to figure out how being a mom works. Mom had her opportunity. She is a great mom. And when you have a handle on the mom-thing, and when your child is older, you will be excited for her to have an occasional sleepover. But that is a long ways away."
"The reason I suggest a family meeting is so that everyone is reading from your page. Not the same page, YOUR page. Then mom, dad, aunts, uncles, whatever cannot come back and say that you blah blah blah. At the end of the day, your child is your child (well, you and hubs), and you are responsible for all care and management of whatever happens in these early years."
"Congrats on your new babe. Good luck. You've got this!! NTA" – Lucky-Guess8786
Overall, Redditors remained supportive of the OP for taking a stand against her mother for going overboard in her new role as a grandma.
They lauded the OP for prioritizing herself to bond with her baby over accommodating her mother's constant need to take care of her new grandson.
While a helpful grandparent isn't a bad thing, setting boundaries for her interaction with the baby might be best in this scenario.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp