Dealing with in-laws isn't always a walk in the park.
Sometimes the relationship between a spouse and their in-laws is magical; other times it's a disaster.
Things can get especially stressful when a baby comes along.
Some in-laws, now grandparents, either don't understand or ignore boundaries.
This can lead to a lot of drama.
Redditor BuffaloEmbarrassed23 to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not wanting my son to call my mother-in-law 'momma?'"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi everyone, I (29 F[emale]) have been with my husband (34 M[ale]) for 9 years."
"My relationship with my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] (let's call her Cornelia) has never been great."
"On the surface, she's polite and diplomatic, but she has this way of making little digs at me, always subtle enough that outsiders wouldn't notice unless they knew me well."
"For example, she buys white chocolate as a gift for me, even though she knows that's my husband's favorite, not mine."
"It sounds small, but it's these kinds of constant little jabs that build up over the years."
"My husband and I now have a 2.5-year-old son."
"When he was born, Cornelia decided she wanted to be called 'MaCo' (short for 'Mama Cornelia') by him."
"I didn't love the idea, but I went along with it because I want my son to have a relationship with his grandmother."
"For context, when I was pregnant, she used to call my unborn baby things like 'cigarette butt,' which I found really hurtful."
"Recently, my husband took our son to visit his parents."
"When they came back, my son suddenly wasn't calling her MaCo anymore, he was calling her Mama Cornelia."
"This really bothers me."
"To me, there's only one Momma in his life, and that's me."
"I don't want to be petty, but I also feel like she's crossing a boundary here, maybe even deliberately."
"My husband sees where I'm coming from, but doesn't want to rock the boat with his mom."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So Reddit, AITA for not wanting my son to call my MIL 'Momma?'"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Start referring to her as 'granny' at home."
"Also, your husband is an AH here for not having your back." ~ bokatan778
"I think she needs to be re-titled Grandma Corny."
"OP is definitely NTA." ~ The_lunar_witch
"My MIL also acted like yours and OPs."
"She ended up kidnapping my daughter."
"Cannot emphasize enough that that needs to be SHUT DOWN IMMEDIATELY!"
"NTA." ~ oO0Kat0Oo
"OP needs to ask her husband how he would feel if her son called her father or someone else 'Daddy X.'"
"Sadly, some people refuse to see how wrong a situation is until they experience it themselves."
"You need to tell your husband that there is no 'not rocking the boat' when someone interferes with your marriage or your child."
"He either grows a backbone and stands up to his mom, or the marriage is going to crumble."
"I mean, who wants to sleep next to (or with) a person that doesn't have your back?"
"A person who allows your role as your child's mother to be threatened?"
"He needs to understand that."
"And from now on, MIL is only referred to as grandma."
"If she doesn't follow that, you go home."
"And son only sees grandma with you present because obviously your husband isn't going to correct her." ~ JustKindaHappenedxx
"My own mother wanted to be called 'Mini Mom,' because she's small in stature."
"Turns out she was insane."
"SHUT. IT. DOWN. NOW!"
"Grandma is a perfectly acceptable moniker for a grandmother. NTA." ~ Putrid_Magi
"NTA - just start calling her Granny Cornelia, you will say it more times than she will."
"The name will stick, don't budge, and don't let it continue."
"Talk to your husband first and often, you need to have him inside."
"It's creepy."
"Update: just thought, if anyone corrects you or your child."
"Say something dismissive like don't be silly, I'm mummy, that's granny."
"The child will instantly see the reason in it."
"'Cause ya know it's reasonable."
"I'd be putting some more distance in there from the weird woman, who knows what is going on in her brain." ~ Equal_Dragonfruit280
"Hello, Husband!"
"WHY are you willing to rock the boat with your wife, who is your family now and you should be supporting, but not your mom, who should not be disrespecting your wife this way?"
"Your mother is your past."
"Your wife and child are your future."
"Act accordingly!"
"Your wife is NTA, but you need to step up so you aren't the AH here."
"Shine up your spine!" ~ KingBretwald
"Feel like you really buried the lede there with her calling your son 'cigarette butt.'"
"That's AWFUL!"
"NTA. She's pushing boundaries on purpose."
"She sounds like a very petty, passive-aggressive woman." ~ dogsandwhiskey
"NTA - there's a phrase for the jabs your MIL gives you over time - 'death by a thousand paper cuts.'"
"What you are feeling is real."
"She is an a**."
"Anyone who says otherwise has the luxury of not having someone do this to them and doesn't know how to be empathetic."
"Your husband needs to get his mom to stop this behavior by enforcing boundaries."
"She is a grandmother, not a Mama Cornelia."
"Plain and simple."
"It's overbearing, creepy, and an unfortunate sign of things to come."
"If she knows she can get away with this, she will keep pushing when other opportunities present themselves." ~ Historical_Bag_5304
"NTA. Maco is fine, or any version of grandma."
"If you are Mom/mommy/momma, then Momma is not OK."
"You have a bigger problem, though."
"Your husband doesn't stand up for you with his mom, and he really ought to."
"She will only treat you with proper respect when her son says, "Mom, this is not OK. I love you both, but my wife and child are my top priority.'"
"'I need you to treat my wife and our marriage with respect. My wife is Momma to our son, you can still be Maco.'"
"Not 'Mom, my wife isn't OK with you being Momma. She wants you to stick with Maco.'"
"When mom gives you white chocolate, he should take it and hand it right back to her, saying, 'Mom, you know my wife prefers milk chocolate.'"
"'I've asked you to treat my wife and our marriage with respect, why do you refuse to do so?'"
"And if she still doesn't treat you respectfully, then you all should see a whole lot less of her." ~ Top-Entertainer2546
"Tell him there's going to be a rocking boat either way."
"Ask if he wants to be a family man or a mama's boy; the time has come to choose. NTA." ~ Zestyclose-Custard-2
"NTA. Having him call her Mama Cornelia is just a route to being called Mama."
"But I'd have a huge issue with your husband not standing up for you all these years."
"He'd rather make you upset and uncomfortable than make his mom upset and uncomfortable." ~ ladancer22
"NTA- Not wanting to let your kid call anyone else mom is totally normal."
"It's a special name, and it's one you have every right to reserve for yourself and assert who's the mother and who's the GRANDMOTHER!"
"Maybe try correcting your son to say 'grandmama Cornelia' or something along those lines."
"If she makes a fuss, let her know you don't want him getting confused between his mama and his grandmama, but he does not need to call anyone else mama." ~ Kukumber_Koi
"NTA, and in addition to your MIL problem, you have a husband problem."
"He doesn't want to rock the boat with her, so he'll rock the boat with you instead?"
"That's messed up." ~ samanthamaryn
"Hard pass."
"Check it now and tell your husband to check it now too."
"If he doesn't think it's a 'big deal,' then your son can only visit grandma when I'm present, since no one wants to knock off the microaggressions. NTA." ~ Mandiezie1
"NTA. Mama is a name for a mother, not a grandmother."
"Maybe suggest 'Granny' instead."
"Also, your husband prioritizing not rocking the boat with his mother over your very valid feelings is BS, and why she keeps up her little microaggressions and will continue to as long as it goes unchecked." ~ hannahkelli
"NTA. She's walking all over you, and you and your husband were letting her."
"Call her whatever you want to call her, refer to her as 'grandmother' in for of your child."
"He will pick upon it and start using ot amd don't let him go to her house without you present." ~ International-Fee255
"NTA. 'Momma/Mama X' isn't that unusual for a grandma, but I think it's regional, at least in the United States."
"I think it's more common in the South (not sure about elsewhere)."
"And if that were the actual issue, I'd say NAH and it'd be a communication issue."
"But the problem is that it sounds like your MIL is going out of her way to disrespect you, and your husband isn't standing up for you."
"It's hard to give her the benefit of the doubt here about the name when she treats you badly in general and insulted your baby before he was even born." ~ didifallasleep13
"You are NTA."
"She will continue to trample your boundaries if she isn't stood up to."
"And even then she will try."
"No or low contact is the only way to have a 'relationship' with people like this." ~ No-Mud-9304
"NTA, but if you want to change it, change it now."
"He'll mostly hear her name by whatever his parents refer to her as, so just call her whatever you want." ~ beedieXP88
"Your husband is an a**hole - if he sees your point, not rocking the boat is like choosing his mum over you."
"You have a husband problem. NTA." ~ MaryVonDerInsel
Reddit has your back, OP.
Your husband needs to step up and handle this.
It will only get worse.
Grandma knows what she is doing.
You have every right to be upset.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp