Grandparents can have a variety of titles based on family traditions, language, and culture.
But what if a grandparent demands to be called a title reserved for a parent?
A new mother turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback over her mother-in-law's demands.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Easy_Historian_3528 asked:
"AITAH for telling my mother-in-law (MIL) I don't want my daughter calling her 'mama'?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My MIL has two grandkids (age 3 and 5) to my sister-in-law, and they call her 'mama' instead of grandma, nanna, etc..."
"I've always thought this would make me uncomfortable and now that I have a 7-month-old daughter, I cringe when my MIL says 'come to mama'."
"Today I built up the courage to tell her that I'm not comfortable with my daughter calling her that, as I am her mama, and often when babies say their first words, mama is one of them."
"She argued back, saying that my daughter can call me Mum and Mummy, but that she is mama. I feel really disrespected because I thought my being uncomfortable would be all the justification needed."
"I feel as though she shouldn't be telling me what my daughter can call me."
"Am I the a**hole?"
"She says because the other grandkids call her mama, that my daughter needs to too. I said I'm happy with any other special name, just not mama."
The OP later added:
"We are currently staying in her home for a holiday with her and the rest of the family. We're leaving first thing tomorrow to go back to our own home."
"She would be thrilled if she was mistaken for being my baby's/her other grandkids' mum. I believe she is in denial that she is getting older."
"100% I think her vanity/aging is driving it. After the confrontation/discussion she did a full face of makeup and her hair despite it being evening and having no plans, and stormed out of the house."
"My husband agrees with me and he initiated the conversation with her. He actually jokingly referred to her as 'grandma' to which she responded 'f*ck off, I'm mama' which started the conversation that I had been meaning to have for months."
"I'm very nonconfrontational and a people pleaser, but this is something I'm not comfortable with and I don't want to cave."
"I did say no, as did my husband. I said that I'm not going to be told what my daughter is allowed to call me (she told me I'm Mum and Mummy, but not Mama)."
"I also corrected her when she tried to tell me mama means 'grandmother' in Māori—it doesn't. I said I am happy with literally any other name, but not mama."
"We are in New Zealand and mama isn't standard here as a name for grandmother and actually the Māori (her heritage) translation for 'mum' is māmā."
"She cried and stormed off before I could say anything further/explain my rationale (although based on what people have said, I agree I shouldn't need to)."
"I talked to my sister-in-law (mother of her other grandkids) about it. She says she allows it only because she knows her mum would throw a fit if she disputed it and she needs her help with childcare (everyone in the family tiptoes around my MIL over various issues)."
"She got quite heated and asked me if her other two grandkids are 'allowed' to call her mama, but they are not my children, so it doesn't concern me in the slightest and feels like a moot point."
"My husband is on my side and incredibly supportive! His grandparents are Nanna and Poppa (very common grandparent names where we live)."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to refuse to indulge her mother-in-law's insecurity and vanity (NTA).
"NTA. Correct her every time with 'grandmama'. Call her grandmama to your baby. If she continues to say 'come to mama' then you say 'here I am, come to your mama!' and take your baby."
"My boys both called me mama when they were little, too. It's not a typical grandparent name. Mama is equivalent to mum and mummy, so she can choose something else. She is overstepping hard here, and it's weird." ~ Weak-Mycologist-4511
"NTA, cousins call their grandparents different names from each other all the time. In fact my partner's grandkids call him something different because the in-laws got his preferred name with his first grandchild."
"You're absolutely entitled to first dibs on what daughter calls you, but I don't know what you do about 'Mama' not accepting it." ~ 1111Ace
"I bet your SIL (her daughter) hates that your MIL has her kids calling her Mama. She probably doesn't know how to stand up to her mom."
"Honestly, it is creepy that your MIL even wants the 'Mama' title for herself and that she wants to steal your baby's milestone first word for herself. I'm thrilled to hear your husband has your back!"
"This is a VERY reasonable boundary to have with your MIL. Always remember, you cannot control her. The only thing you can control is how you respond to her antics."
"My advice is for your husband to set clear consequences to her poor choices. If you (do annoying thing) then we will (do whatever needs to happen)."
"And be super consistent. When inevitably she kicks off, don't feed into her drama. Just give her lots of time outs. She may or may not come around, but that's HER choice....one only she can control."
"Give her a reasonable amount of time to retrain her brain and nervous system. If she doesn't improve an inch, you may need to go low or no contact."
"As a fellow people pleaser, I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and your baby!" ~ Ema630
"NTA. Restrict visits and don't let her see your child unsupervised. Call her grandma to your child at every opportunity. Drum it in. Put it on repeat."
"When you do see her, stay with them. Grandma, grandma to everything on repeat."
"If she dares say 'come to mama' you stand up and correct her, say 'Grandma. I'm mama and you'd better remember it. It's time for us to leave. Say bye to grandma'."
"Show her you mean it and she complies or she doesn't see you." ~ LouieAvalonMac
"I read something the other day about boundaries that I found interesting and I think might help you."
"When you set a boundary, you shouldn't tell the other person what to do. You tell the other person if they cross your boundaries, what you will do/what the consequences will be. Eg: You say 'if you call yourself Mama to my daughter, I will correct you and we will leave'."
"If she does it anyway, you follow through. Every single time, no exceptions, not for Christmas, not for a birthday party."
"If she continues to cross your boundaries, then that tells you what you need to know about how much respect she has for you and you can act accordingly." ~ BackgroundLetter8883
People also called BS on the mother-in-law's misinformation.
"Hi, as a New Zealander, kuia is the name for grandmother in Māori, not mama. Mama isn't used much over here, but would be used for mother not for a grandmother. Sometimes karani (granny) is used as well." ~ random_form
"OP should tell MIL the baby can call her 'Kuia' or 'Karani' since she clearly needs a little education about what the proper terminology is. NTA." ~ Right_Meow26
"Yeah, as a New Zealander that is just an outright lie. Mama is not the Maori word for grandmother. It's not even close." ~ coffnz
"If she is Māori, then she should be Kui, Nana or Nan. This would really piss me off. I'm a New Zealander too (and Māori). I'm Māmā to my kids, because I'm their MOTHER." ~ IamErica_07
"Stay firm. Anytime she says mama, correct her. Tell her you are mama and she needs to accept that's she's grandma now."
"If she continues to disrespect you, you limit her seeing your daughter. That's my policy. Disrespect my authority when it comes to my son, and you're just pushing yourself further away from him."
"Tell her, 'now he won't call you grandma either eventually one day because you'll see her so little she won't even know who you are'." ~ mrbeastingmode
"I'm sure you know this, but you need to work on the people-pleasing tendency as a mother. You don't want to teach your daughter to be that way, and you will need to stand up to people on her behalf throughout her childhood. Think of this as an exercise in shining up your spine!" ~ FoxyOcelot
"You're a mom now, so it's time to start kicking the nonconfrontational people-pleaser to the curb and start uncaging your inner tiger mom."
"Your child is young now, but the sooner you start modeling how to be confident and assertively stand up for yourself and your family, the better mom you will be for your child and her own future friendships/relationships."
"Assertively standing up for yourself doesn't mean you have to be rude, one can be polite and firm with boundaries at the same time! It does take practice, I admit."
"After all, the definition of 'nonconfrontational people-pleaser' is 'doormat' ... I'm sure you don't want your child to model that!"
"You got this, mama! Also, NTA." ~ Greygal_Eve
OP and her husband are the parents.
Ultimately, grandma can respect their decisions or not see her granddaughter.
That choice is hers to make.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp