Brand new parents are under a lot of pressure, from expected and unexpected sources, when they first bring their baby home.
The last thing they need are extra houseguests who expect to be waited on while there, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Dr_MCR had become overwhelmed since his child was born, not because of his child or his wife, but because his mother-in-law visited every day and refused to help at all in their home.
When she even demanded that her visiting time took priority over any other loved ones, the Original Poster (OP) knew it was time to set a new boundary.
He asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for not wanting my mother-in-law over to see my baby anymore?"
The OP already had a strained relationship with his mother-in-law (MIL) before his first child was born.
"My wife (30 Female) and I (30 Male) just had our first child."
"My wife’s mom and I have always had a bit of a contentious relationship because I do not like the way she treats my wife. She constantly guilts her into doing things she does not want to do."
"For example, during the pregnancy, my wife did not want to tell anyone the gender of the baby until a little later. However, her mother came over unannounced and outright demanded that my wife tell her the gender because 'grandmas are special.' We decided not to tell her, and her mother started crying, getting all upset."
"I told my wife then not to do something that she didn’t want to do just because someone is pressuring her to do it. Her mom then started crying even more and huffed out of the house, all upset. She is constantly doing stuff like this."
After their baby was born, the OP's MIL's entitlement increased exponentially.
"Since the baby was born, we have been inundated with so many people wanting to come over to our house."
"Honestly, I’m sincerely grateful to have them because they have all been so willing to help us with stuff around the house. Additionally, I still had to work for one more week because the baby came a bit early. I’m happy my wife has had some people with her."
"They have made us food, done some of our laundry, and helped clean a bit. I am so, so thankful because it’s helped us out so much."
"My MIL has also come over every single day, but she does absolutely nothing to help."
"She just sits there and wants to hold our baby while she watches us work around the house. On top of that, she’s always got something to say about the way we are doing things with the baby."
"At one point, she even told my wife to 'give me the baby so I can show you that grandmamas know more than mamas.'"
"She will stay for hours at a time and is incapable of taking a hint that we are ready for her to leave. The other evening, she stayed until 10:00 PM."
"It is driving me out of my f*cking mind. Even my wife has told me how disappointed she is by how unsupportive her mother has been."
The MIL's behavior only seemed to grow worse as time passed.
"Yesterday, she came over again at 4:00 PM. The same thing happened."
"I spent 3 hours making everyone dinner, cleaning around the house, doing laundry, and doing other miscellaneous chores. She sat there just holding the baby and watching a baseball game while I worked the entire time she was there. She didn’t offer to do a single thing to help."
"At about 7:30 PM, I sent my wife a text, telling her that I'd like for her to leave within the next 30 minutes, because I’d like to have some time alone as a family before we have to put the baby to bed."
"I was upstairs folding laundry when I sent the text, and my wife had apparently given her mother her phone to put on the charger."
"When I came downstairs, she immediately decided it was time to leave as she walked out the door and started to cry."
"She never explicitly said she saw my text, but I have no doubt in my mind she did, especially since my wife has no security settings set up on her phone."
The OP's mother-in-law continued to push the family's boundaries.
"This morning, my best friend had planned to come over to meet the baby. I’m very excited for this, because I’ve known him since I was 10 and consider him my brother."
"However, my MIL texted my wife telling her that she was coming over. She didn’t ask if it was okay. She simply told us she is."
"I told my wife that I frankly do not want her to come over today, because I want my friend to be able to see the baby without her mom monopolizing him."
"I also told her that I don’t want her over because I’m tired of watching her hold my baby every single day, for hours at a time, while I work around the house."
"My wife got upset with me saying that and told me that I need to be more understanding of her mother."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that his mother-in-law was becoming far too entitled to be in the house.
"No. Her mother’s time is done. Your wife is the mother now, and people should be extending grace to her, not to a grandma who can’t let things go. I am sure your MIL had people there to help her when she had her baby. Doesn’t it bother your wife to see someone else hold HER baby for hours on end??" - Classic_Cauliflower4
"The fact that MIL saw that text and chose to cry and leave instead of, I don't know, offering to do dishes or fold laundry says everything. She's not there to help; she's there to play grandma of the year. Wife needs to realize that's not okay." - Greedy-Ad-3815
"I wouldn’t be making dinner for her either. Just do the bare minimum. I suggest setting days and time duration for your MIL together by sitting down and having a conversation together. Set a time she needs to leave by, for example, 6:00 PM or 5:30 PM, so you two have the evening routine alone with the baby."
"As hard as it is, I wouldn’t take what your MIL says to heart. Your wife is also very hormonal and emotional right now. Try to be patient with your wife’s decisions." - Thisis_it_415
"You can't live like this. Instead of tolerating your MIL's behavior, tell her straight out that she needs to leave. Such people thrive on the fact that no one tells them directly that they're bothering you; everyone just hopes they'll figure it out. If she starts crying... Let her cry."
"She needs to learn to respect other people's boundaries. Your wife needs to start setting boundaries, too. Seriously. You need to have a serious talk."
"Did your MIL write that she's coming? Tell her she's not coming today. And if she does, don't let her in. And let her be offended. Don't allow guilt tripping. When she sees that her crying and manipulation don't bother you, she'll learn to respect what you say."
"Stop being a people pleaser towards her. Especially your wife. This isn't a situation where you 'have to understand her mom.' No, her mom is taking advantage of the situation and the fact that her manipulation is working. You won't have a healthy family relationship if you don't set firm boundaries." - Anastriannnnna
"NTA. It is time to set boundaries, and if your wife won’t or can’t do it, you need to, and it should start today."
'Call her and tell her you as a family have plans." - Top_Philosopher1809
Others pointed out, however, that the mother-in-law not helping with chores was not the most inherent problem.
"NTA. It sounds like your perspective is super reasonable. It's concerning that your wife still wants to appease, please, and accommodate someone so toxic in her life."
"You're allowed to have boundaries against anyone coming into your life, and SOMETIMES saying, 'This isn't a good time,' or wanting a break from any visitors at all, are reasonable boundaries."
"I will say, while it's a bit annoying, a visitor coming and just holding the baby so that you can get other stuff done does not innately seem awful or offensive to me."
"Some parents would really welcome that reprieve for their arms and a chance to get things done that are hard while holding a baby. It's all the other s**t that sucks." - owls_and_cardinals
"NTA. But holding the baby can be ok but that is going on too long, and it may create poor sleeping habits."
"Need some boundaries."
"But the crying is ridiculous and manipulative." - Large_Concentrate_7
"Congratulations on becoming parents! I know your wife is postpartum, but she's also out of her mind. NTA."
"Her mum is invading your privacy, and your wife even acknowledged that she does nothing to help."
"This is your home too, so you have a right to say that you don't want to see her or that she shouldn't have unlimited access to your residence. To H**l with that!" - DynkoFromTheNorth
"'MIL, you can't just come over whenever you like. My wife, baby, and I are a family. We are bonding with our child and adapting to this new situation. Please enquire when it is possible to see us instead of informing.'"
"So, to answer your message: today is not a good time as we have friends coming over wanting to help us with chores around the house, so we, the parents, have some time to bond with our child. You've seen us yesterday, contact us again in a couple of days. Thank you for understanding.'"
"NTA. But PLEASE SAY IT AS IT IS!"
"As long as you do not communicate, she'll continue to steamroll you." - Puzzled-Dream1321
"NTA. Both of you need to be on the same page as to how you want visits to go. Talk to your MIL about what you want from these visits."
"'You’re coming over? Great! We have laundry that needs folding and putting away, and we really haven’t had time to get that bathroom cleaned. I’m so glad you can help with all that!'"
" If she says she isn’t willing to help, then she can’t come over. No more Queen Grandmama to wait on hand and foot." - Icy-Ouytlandishness-5
The subReddit could understand the frustration of having an extra adult in the house with no extra help, basically on a full-time basis, though that didn't even seem to be the biggest problem.
The mother-in-law deciding for herself when she could come over and making comments, especially about the new mom in the house, were the bigger issues, and the new parents needed to put a stop to that before their child reached the age of understanding.
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