Brand new parents are under a lot of pressure, from expected and unexpected sources, when they first bring their baby home.
The last thing they need are extra houseguests who expect to be waited on while there, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Dr_MCR had become overwhelmed since his child was born, not because of his child or his wife, but because his mother-in-law visited every day and refused to help at all in their home.
When she even demanded that her visiting time took priority over any other loved ones, the Original Poster (OP) knew it was time to set a new boundary.
He asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for not wanting my mother-in-law over to see my baby anymore?"
The OP already had a strained relationship with his mother-in-law (MIL) before his first child was born.
"My wife (30 Female) and I (30 Male) just had our first child."
"My wife’s mom and I have always had a bit of a contentious relationship because I do not like the way she treats my wife. She constantly guilts her into doing things she does not want to do."
"For example, during the pregnancy, my wife did not want to tell anyone the gender of the baby until a little later. However, her mother came over unannounced and outright demanded that my wife tell her the gender because 'grandmas are special.' We decided not to tell her, and her mother started crying, getting all upset."
"I told my wife then not to do something that she didn’t want to do just because someone is pressuring her to do it. Her mom then started crying even more and huffed out of the house, all upset. She is constantly doing stuff like this."
After their baby was born, the OP's MIL's entitlement increased exponentially.
"Since the baby was born, we have been inundated with so many people wanting to come over to our house."
"Honestly, I’m sincerely grateful to have them because they have all been so willing to help us with stuff around the house. Additionally, I still had to work for one more week because the baby came a bit early. I’m happy my wife has had some people with her."
"They have made us food, done some of our laundry, and helped clean a bit. I am so, so thankful because it’s helped us out so much."
"My MIL has also come over every single day, but she does absolutely nothing to help."
"She just sits there and wants to hold our baby while she watches us work around the house. On top of that, she’s always got something to say about the way we are doing things with the baby."
"At one point, she even told my wife to 'give me the baby so I can show you that grandmamas know more than mamas.'"
"She will stay for hours at a time and is incapable of taking a hint that we are ready for her to leave. The other evening, she stayed until 10:00 PM."
"It is driving me out of my f*cking mind. Even my wife has told me how disappointed she is by how unsupportive her mother has been."
The MIL's behavior only seemed to grow worse as time passed.
"Yesterday, she came over again at 4:00 PM. The same thing happened."
"I spent 3 hours making everyone dinner, cleaning around the house, doing laundry, and doing other miscellaneous chores. She sat there just holding the baby and watching a baseball game while I worked the entire time she was there. She didn’t offer to do a single thing to help."
"At about 7:30 PM, I sent my wife a text, telling her that I'd like for her to leave within the next 30 minutes, because I’d like to have some time alone as a family before we have to put the baby to bed."
"I was upstairs folding laundry when I sent the text, and my wife had apparently given her mother her phone to put on the charger."
"When I came downstairs, she immediately decided it was time to leave as she walked out the door and started to cry."
"She never explicitly said she saw my text, but I have no doubt in my mind she did, especially since my wife has no security settings set up on her phone."
The OP's mother-in-law continued to push the family's boundaries.
"This morning, my best friend had planned to come over to meet the baby. I’m very excited for this, because I’ve known him since I was 10 and consider him my brother."
"However, my MIL texted my wife telling her that she was coming over. She didn’t ask if it was okay. She simply told us she is."
"I told my wife that I frankly do not want her to come over today, because I want my friend to be able to see the baby without her mom monopolizing him."
"I also told her that I don’t want her over because I’m tired of watching her hold my baby every single day, for hours at a time, while I work around the house."
"My wife got upset with me saying that and told me that I need to be more understanding of her mother."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that his mother-in-law was becoming far too entitled to be in the house.
"No. Her mother’s time is done. Your wife is the mother now, and people should be extending grace to her, not to a grandma who can’t let things go. I am sure your MIL had people there to help her when she had her baby. Doesn’t it bother your wife to see someone else hold HER baby for hours on end??" - Classic_Cauliflower4
"The fact that MIL saw that text and chose to cry and leave instead of, I don't know, offering to do dishes or fold laundry says everything. She's not there to help; she's there to play grandma of the year. Wife needs to realize that's not okay." - Greedy-Ad-3815
"I wouldn’t be making dinner for her either. Just do the bare minimum. I suggest setting days and time duration for your MIL together by sitting down and having a conversation together. Set a time she needs to leave by, for example, 6:00 PM or 5:30 PM, so you two have the evening routine alone with the baby."
"As hard as it is, I wouldn’t take what your MIL says to heart. Your wife is also very hormonal and emotional right now. Try to be patient with your wife’s decisions." - Thisis_it_415
"You can't live like this. Instead of tolerating your MIL's behavior, tell her straight out that she needs to leave. Such people thrive on the fact that no one tells them directly that they're bothering you; everyone just hopes they'll figure it out. If she starts crying... Let her cry."
"She needs to learn to respect other people's boundaries. Your wife needs to start setting boundaries, too. Seriously. You need to have a serious talk."
"Did your MIL write that she's coming? Tell her she's not coming today. And if she does, don't let her in. And let her be offended. Don't allow guilt tripping. When she sees that her crying and manipulation don't bother you, she'll learn to respect what you say."
"Stop being a people pleaser towards her. Especially your wife. This isn't a situation where you 'have to understand her mom.' No, her mom is taking advantage of the situation and the fact that her manipulation is working. You won't have a healthy family relationship if you don't set firm boundaries." - Anastriannnnna
"NTA. It is time to set boundaries, and if your wife won’t or can’t do it, you need to, and it should start today."
'Call her and tell her you as a family have plans." - Top_Philosopher1809
Others pointed out, however, that the mother-in-law not helping with chores was not the most inherent problem.
"NTA. It sounds like your perspective is super reasonable. It's concerning that your wife still wants to appease, please, and accommodate someone so toxic in her life."
"You're allowed to have boundaries against anyone coming into your life, and SOMETIMES saying, 'This isn't a good time,' or wanting a break from any visitors at all, are reasonable boundaries."
"I will say, while it's a bit annoying, a visitor coming and just holding the baby so that you can get other stuff done does not innately seem awful or offensive to me."
"Some parents would really welcome that reprieve for their arms and a chance to get things done that are hard while holding a baby. It's all the other s**t that sucks." - owls_and_cardinals
"NTA. But holding the baby can be ok but that is going on too long, and it may create poor sleeping habits."
"Need some boundaries."
"But the crying is ridiculous and manipulative." - Large_Concentrate_7
"Congratulations on becoming parents! I know your wife is postpartum, but she's also out of her mind. NTA."
"Her mum is invading your privacy, and your wife even acknowledged that she does nothing to help."
"This is your home too, so you have a right to say that you don't want to see her or that she shouldn't have unlimited access to your residence. To H**l with that!" - DynkoFromTheNorth
"'MIL, you can't just come over whenever you like. My wife, baby, and I are a family. We are bonding with our child and adapting to this new situation. Please enquire when it is possible to see us instead of informing.'"
"So, to answer your message: today is not a good time as we have friends coming over wanting to help us with chores around the house, so we, the parents, have some time to bond with our child. You've seen us yesterday, contact us again in a couple of days. Thank you for understanding.'"
"NTA. But PLEASE SAY IT AS IT IS!"
"As long as you do not communicate, she'll continue to steamroll you." - Puzzled-Dream1321
"NTA. Both of you need to be on the same page as to how you want visits to go. Talk to your MIL about what you want from these visits."
"'You’re coming over? Great! We have laundry that needs folding and putting away, and we really haven’t had time to get that bathroom cleaned. I’m so glad you can help with all that!'"
" If she says she isn’t willing to help, then she can’t come over. No more Queen Grandmama to wait on hand and foot." - Icy-Ouytlandishness-5
The subReddit could understand the frustration of having an extra adult in the house with no extra help, basically on a full-time basis, though that didn't even seem to be the biggest problem.
The mother-in-law deciding for herself when she could come over and making comments, especially about the new mom in the house, were the bigger issues, and the new parents needed to put a stop to that before their child reached the age of understanding.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp