One never knows how a "surprise" will end up going.
Sometimes a surprise will fill you with unexpected joy, whereas other times a surprise might steer your emotions in the exact opposite direction, leaving you feeling sad or angry.
Hence why giving advanced notice is usually always a good idea.
As you can never be too sure whether or not a surprise will turn out to be an unpleasant surprise.
Redditor Different_Stress_798 had a frequent visitor to their house, offering little to no advanced notice.
A frustration the original poster (OP) openly shared with their husband.
When another visitor similarly started making frequent surprise visits, the OP's frustrations only grew.
Unfortunately, the OP's husband didn't appreciate their spouse's frustrations one bit.
Wondering if they were being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for limiting when and how often my in laws come over?"
The OP explained why they felt a little less "family time" was necessary:
"A few months ago I got fed up with my father-in-law [FIL] coming over."
"He would come over every other day, give little to no notice (5 min if that) and it just got to be too much."
"I told my husband that my FIL can come over once a week and that’s all I can handle."
"My husband didn’t see a problem in his dad coming over that often at first, but after the millionth time of his dad crossing boundaries he finally told his dad no more randomly stopping by."
"Now, his mom lived across the country ever since I’ve known him until now."
"She got an apartment a few minutes from our house where she can stay half the year when the weather is nice."
"She wanted to be closer to her granddaughter, our daughter."
"Today is the first full day of her living in her apartment."
"My husband, daughter, and I left to do some errands and while were at the store I look at my ring camera to see my MIL with her dog ringing the doorbell."
"I told my husband I don’t like when people come over unannounced and that he needs to speak with his mother."
"I also said that this is the third time she’s been over this week."
"He didn’t say much and seemed a little annoyed at my annoyance."
"I don’t like unexpected visitors, it gives me anxiety and I like for my house to be spotless when guests are over."
"Also, his parents are divorced and mine are divorced so if we give each of our parents one day a week, that’s still 4 days a week dedicated to spending time with our parents."
"Which I’m ok with."
"Anything more than that just feels like too much."
"I feel like my husbands upset with me though."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**Hole for wanting to limit their in-law's visits.
Just about everyone agreed that showing up unannounced is never polite, no matter your relationship with the person you are visiting:
"NTA."
"This is a basic manners thing."
"Stop answering the door."- Flat-Replacement4828
"NTA."
"How, in this day and age, do people still think this is ok."
"Next time they drop in, take your child and leave."
"If your husband isn't willing to set emotional boundaries, you set physical ones."
"Make up some sort of prior plans and then leave until they leave."
"And keep doing that, each time reminding them they need to make plans to come over in advance."- Adept-One-819
"NTA."
"I'd be telling my husband that he can either handle it himself or I can handle it but I'm not going to be as nice."- CurlyTraveler1562
"NTA."
"You don't need a reason for not wanting unexpected visits."
"Tell them all that they need to give you advance notice if they want to come, and you need to approve it."
"When I have unexpected visitors, I just don't answer the door."- Gattina1
"NTA."
"I moved 1000 miles away from my family."
"Worked out perfectly."- 7dayweekendgirl
"NTA."
"I had this rule for my mother, she was supposed to call before coming, and she never respected it."
"Now she doesn't have my address so she can't just drop by."- Slight_Citron_7064
"I would hate it if I had unexpected company."
"I like to plan ahead."
"So I can tidy up, clean the bathroom etc. If also means I have to be 'on'."
"Especially for IL."
"There's pressure to be a good DIL/host."
"Honestly, you've already spoken to husband about FIL."
"If you've told him how you feel and he doesn't get it, I would just leave when his invited guests come over and leave him with your child since they want to visit."
"Use this as a time to take a break for yourself."
"When you get home remind him to clean any messes they made."
"NTA."- reddit_fake_account
"NTA."
"Sounds like the in-laws are retired?"
"They need to find other ways to occupy their time besides dropping by your house."
"Are you willing to let FIL take your daughter to his home or on kid friendly outings?"
"Spend time getting to know MIL, and decide if you are willing to let her take your daughter sometimes."
"Same of course for your parents."
"Calling first or waiting for an invitation is common courtesy."
"Of course, you and your husband need to get on the same page about the boundaries first."- Ok-Investment9992
"NTA!"
"I cannot stand unannounced visitors either and everyone in my life respects my boundary I also do not allow anyone to bring their pets over that is a huge no for me."- sierra38grandma
"NTA."
"You need space."
"I call my mother once a month."- Capable-Ad3426
"NTA as long your spouse is ok with it too."
"Maybe show them how to face time, where you can choose to accept or not."- DrSueuss
"My in-laws nor my parents ever just dropped in."
"They always called first. It is a respectful thing to do."
"Nothing wrong with healthy boundaries."
"Especially being a SAHM there is no telling what is going on."
"NTA!"- Top_Philosopher1809
There were some, however, who couldn't blame the OP's in-laws for coming to see their grandchild, or their husband for being uncomfortable with limiting their visits, even if they still agreed the OP's frustrations were justified:
"Checks computer history, phew, was making sure I didn't write this in my sleep."
"Thankfully, none of my in-laws are this involved, but your visitor expectations feel on par with mine, even more reasonable than I would be."
"Four days a week sounds god-awful, and weekly visits from each of my in-laws would probably have me finding reasons to move across the country."
"I'm gonna go with NAH because I don't think they're doing it to be obnoxious; they just have a different social battery than you."
"Your husband needs to up his house-duty game because he needs to help keep it at a level you're comfortable having guests drop by if he doesn't want to take a stand against random drive-bys."
"And it's not unreasonable to ask for a heads-up for visits."
"Otherwise, you're likely going to feel stalked in your home if your MIL lives close enough to walk to your house."
"I also think limiting visits is reasonable too, but maybe explain it as a social battery thing."
"Also, be understanding and open if your husband's workaround is to take your daughter and go visit them or meet up with them elsewhere."- Impossible_Smile4113
"NAH."
"I guess?"
"Imagine your daughter grows up and tells you 'I can only handle seeing you one day a week'.”
"It sounds cold."
"Have you created these boundaries with your own parents?"
"Your husbands mother was across the country the entire relationship and you’re over it after the 3rd visit."
" I can see how the husband would be annoyed because there’s zero tolerance or patience on your end."
"Grandparents today seem like they’re in a losing situation at this point- 'we have no village' 'no we can’t see you more than 1 day a week'.”
"Instead of expressing 'hey can you please give us notice before you stop by' you jump to ‘you can only visit once a week'."
"Did you guys communicate before she moved across the country?"
"Because that’s a little sh*tty in my opinion to let someone sign a lease and move solely to be closer and visit their family- only to say 'sorry, 4 visits a month'.”
"At this point she could’ve saved the lease and just flew in for a weekend… she’s not even there permanently."
"Do his parents require a lot of entertaining and expect you to wait on them?"- CanapeCait
One can't blame anyone for wanting to see their grandchildren.
Even so, privacy needs to be respected, as do plans and schedules, which is why it's always a good idea to make sure it's a good time to pay a visit beforehand.
Even for family.
