Being close to neighbors can be a wonderful thing.
Some neighbors become lifelong besties.
But some neighbors become pests.
Neighbors often ignore boundaries, causing drama.
This can lead to issues in the entire neighborhood.
Redditor YYZgirl1986 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for refusing to host a pool party?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"AITA that I’m offended a friend asked if we can host his wife’s 40th birthday next weekend in our backyard. Guest list: 20 mutual friends + 20 ppl we don’t know."
"My husband and I have a group of families we get together with (neighbors and families who live in the area, our kids go to the same school)."
"We are 2 of the 5 families who have a pool."
"We’ve known them for as long as we've lived here, <5 years, except for a few occasions, we only hang out as a group."
"Weather permitting (Vancouver), we send out a message to invite people over in our group chat. "
"Just this past 6 weeks, we have hosted at least 3x."
"Generally, the other families are great at bringing things, etc."
"One particular couple (the one in question), although they are nice people overall, it's clear to me that we have different boundaries."
"They have asked before to use our pool when we aren’t home, or seem to be always looking for a swim invitation, even when they’ve been over the day before."
"Their kids do not follow our 'no ppl in the house rule' (we have bathrooms outside, no need for wet kids to go in the house unsupervised) and have gone into our house before and helped themselves to food/gone into the kids' bedrooms."
"The wife in this couple is turning 40 tomorrow, and her husband asked my husband last week if we could host a surprise party, and he will provide everything in terms of food and drinks."
"In addition to the group of 5 families, +20 other families would be invited (whom we don’t even know)."
"My husband was extremely uncomfortable with this because he asked in front of so many people."
"My husband (as non-confrontational as it comes )was just like 'You know my wife takes care of our calendar, and I don’t know if I/we/she will be around.'”
"They are well aware my husband is in the middle of a new project that has been requiring him to travel for work at the last minute/spend time away, and sometimes we join him, and as a nurse, my shift changes."
"So he said, well, even if you guys aren’t there, I will supply everything, it won’t cost you anything."
"Again, my husband put it to bed, saying it wasn’t a commitment we could make and said that I was on call (not true, but the easiest excuse)."
"To be fair, my husband was actually shocked at such a big request and mentioned they have had some financial issues (do not see a need for a party if that’s truly the case)."
"Yesterday we were at this same couple’s kids' birthday and said individual again was asking my husband to 'convince his wife.'"
"i was also at said party, and he did not ask me."
"One of the other wives overheard this conversation and let me know."
"The other wives all agreed it was a large, even borderline inappropriate request."
"They would not want the burden placed on them, and like me, also questioned the motive why he wouldn’t ask me?"
"It’s OUR home, and I was there too."
"Is this not a big request, to the point it’s even borderline inappropriate?"
"His wife doesn’t know about it yet, but I have the feeling (given we have different boundaries) this will cause friction, or she will be offended."
"To be honest, I don’t really care because that will show if we are really, truly friends."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA for saying no."
"If anything happens to them or one of their guests on your property, they could sue you."
"It’s a liability." ~ OpenMindedEthic
"NTA. The 'friend' asked your hubby in front of others to try and guilty hubby into saying yes, that is an AH move."
"Asking again is a double AH move."
"Use your pool when you aren't home?"
"Oh heck no! The liability could bankrupt you and your children."
"You know if you do host the party that the kids and guests will be wandering about your house, looking for the bathroom.'"
"Plus, no one will really clean up; you will have food debris, trash, and other crap left behind."
"Might be time to step back from hanging with that couple, they seem to be more 'takers' than friends." ~ ConsistentParking424
"NTA. And it may be time to set boundaries with this family."
"Next time you invite them over, let them know that if their family, including kids, go into the house, they will not be invited to your house again, since they continuously overstep your stated boundaries for your house and property."
"After that, just stop inviting that family over."
"You don't need to deal with their entitlement." ~ needabook55
"NTA - I wouldn’t host a pool party with a bunch of people I don’t know coming in and out of my house."
"You may want to give the husband a firm NO, or he may just show up regardless." ~ CiaraTDesigns
"Definitely this, a firm NO is needed."
"Otherwise, this guy is absolutely going to send out the invites and have people show up, and then he's going to try wheedling you into giving in because 'you never actually said no, and everyone's already here, so just let us swim.'" ~ MaySeemelater
"Just tell him the pool is not available for people you don’t know."
"Go low contact with him."
"When his wife finds out, tell her you are uncomfortable with that many people, most of them are strangers, in your house and around your pool." ~ bronwyn19594236
"This! Also, OP, if they keep fighting it, then tell them when they pay for your homeowner's/pool liability insurance, then they can do so, but until they start paying your bills, it's a big no." ~ Vulpine_Gamer_194
"NTA. It may be time to stop inviting that family over at all, seeing as they were also ignoring the rules you had set out regarding not going in the house in the past as well." ~ MaySeemelater
"As a pool owner, I wouldn't be offended if someone asked, as long as they accepted no as the answer."
"NTA for refusing to host." ~ magus424
"NTA. Actually, your husband has said no in so many words."
"It is a big request and financial liability for you and your family."
"I'm sure you guys would love to celebrate, but your home and pool aren't available for that... so sorry." ~ SewTraditional
"NTA. You're allowed to say no."
"I'm not comfortable with that."
"But it would have been nicer if your husband had said it, so you don't have to." ~ iiloveyoshii
"NTA. I don’t have a pool, and I wouldn’t want to even host 10 people I didn’t know at my house."
"It doesn’t hurt to ask, but it does hurt to not take 'no' for an answer." ~ The_Perfect_Di*k_Pic
OP came back with some Updates...
"My husband spoke to him and said straight up, we are unable to commit to host any party at any time for anyone."
"He reminded him that we don’t have parties, we have impromptu get-togethers on our terms."
"I ended up sending a message directly to the birthday girl."
"We went back and forth a few times, and she denied everything (she first claimed she did not know many, if any details about this party)."
"However, I know from another friend in the group that she was putting her husband up to this the entire time."
"Her story has changed so many times."
"She kept wanting to speak over the phone, but I told her text messages would do."
"She also claimed that she never intended or planned to invite anybody to our house besides our regular friend group (massive lie, her husband texted mine apologizing about everything and mentioned she was pressuring him, and mentioned how wrong it was to invite additional people, etc.)."
"When I asked why she spent an entire afternoon with me, clearly knowing about the party but never feeling she could bring it up with me, she claimed that since it was *her* birthday, she should not have had to get involved at all."
"You can’t make this sh*t up."
"THE ICING ON THE CAKE!"
"A few hours later, one of the other wives called me and told me that the birthday girl called her, whining about how we could not host her party."
"Then asked HER if she could host her party because this friend also has a smaller kidney-shaped pool/hot tub set up and a large inflatable waterpark (this person shut it down immediately, as she is clearly looking for a pool)."
"This wife was shocked because all along everyone thought it was HER husband trying to get MY husband to agree, this was clearly NOT a surprise party and very well orchestrated."
"The worst part is, I was around the birthday girl Friday night and Sunday, she was okay trying to get her husband to corner my husband, but didn’t have it in her to ask me?!??"
"Extremely sneaky in my honest opinion."
"I haven’t decided yet if I will say anything to her, but unfortunately will have to tolerate her in public as we live across the street, are on the P[arent] T[eacher] A[ssociation], and our kids attend the same camp."
Some people have no shame!
Reddit is with you, OP.
It's a lot to host a party, and 40 people isn't a small number.
This woman owes you an apology.
Don't feel bad about your decision.
Good Luck.
