Content Warning: Trying to Conceive, Fertility Struggles, Vasectomy
One of the most important conversations a couple has to have before getting married is where they stand on having children: whether or not they want children, how long they want to be married before trying, and approximately how many kids they'd like to have.
While people's desires might change as they grow up and their life circumstances evolve, it's only fair for two people to be honest about these goals, so they can decide if they are compatible on a deeply incompatible issue, agreed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor sir-fails-alot and her husband never really closed the door on the idea of eventually having a child, but they also entertained ideas about how not to have one, like possibly getting a vasectomy at some point.
When the Original Poster (OP) reached a point where she really wanted to have children, her husband said he was willing to try, but more and more evidence stacked up to suggest that he didn't really want children anymore.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for thinking my husband got a vasectomy and is lying about it?"
The OP and her husband reached a point in their marriage where they thought it was time to try to have children.
"My husband (35 Male) and I (30 Female) have been married for seven years and have been trying to conceive for about two years with no luck."
"I finally decided to go to a fertility doctor and get everything checked about three months ago. It turns out all my plumbing is working properly, and I should be having no issues conceiving."
"The fertility doctor also asked me to have my husband provide a sample to measure his sperm count."
"My husband has a daughter (10 Female) with his ex, so we know his swimmers worked at some point. He even got a paternity test when she was born to confirm (projecting, much?)."
The OP became increasingly suspicious that her husband was not interested in having a child.
"Early in our relationship, we talked about not having kids and even threw the idea of a vasectomy out there, but he never followed through with it."
"Since trying to conceive, he has not been enthusiastic but says he’s ready for another kid (mainly me pushing for it)."
"He went on a short work trip earlier this year, and when he came back, our intimacy was different, and it almost seemed like he was being extra gentle on his side and going really slow like I’ve never seen before. He’s back to his normal intimacy patterns now."
"His sperm count came back at zero or below detectable levels."
"My light googling told me that this is possible with genetic issues, injuries, and some medications, but he doesn’t fall within these categories."
Her husband denied having a vasectomy, but the OP had other reasons not to trust him.
"We’ve had some trust issues in the past, and I told him I’m not sure I believe he hasn’t had a vasectomy, but he swears he hasn’t."
"He's lied in the past about infidelity and other things that he doesn't see as important. He was raised in a bad household and taught to lie at a young age, about virtually everything, and he hasn't broken that habit even in adulthood."
"He's the type of person who will never admit to a lie unless I have black-and-white bulletproof evidence that shows otherwise."
"When I ask him or tell him that it seems like he doesn't want a child with me, he always says he's willing and wants one. I just wish he would be straightforward with me if he really doesn't."
The OP felt conflicted about where to go from here.
"Why go through the effort of getting clipped instead of telling me he doesn't want another kid, and then I'd leave him alone?"
"We never said we'd be child-free, so I'm not flipping the script on him or anything; we always left the possibility on the table."
"Am I wrong for suspecting he’s had a vasectomy? How can I put this to rest and find out if he has or hasn’t, outside of just believing his word?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some cringed and pointed out that it was clear that the OP's husband didn't want more children, vasectomy or not.
"Whether he had a vasectomy or not, one thing seems clear: he doesn't want another kid." - beatissima
"How much more straightforward is he supposed to be? You already know he doesn't want more kids. He has already told you so."
"You're just bringing it up because you have changed your mind and you want him to want it too."
"He probably said he's ready just to keep you because he loves you or doesn't want to get a divorce."
"The only road this is going down is one of resentment. Either from you because you want to have kids or from him because you forced him to have kids."
"You both need to discuss expectations and alignment in terms of ACTION, not just talk." - Yeesh-Yeesh-Yeesh
"I mean ... I think he kind of has been straightforward with you about not wanting another kid. He's only said he wants another one after you pushed. He should've held his ground, but he probably 'agreed' after you kept pushing and he didn't want to argue about it anymore." - littlelupie
"I mean, a year ago, you were on here asking people if you should message your husband's affair partner. You deleted the posts, but your comments live on because this is the internet, and nothing is ever really deleted."
"So clearly he lies to you. I don't know why you are still with the person who cheated on you."
"We can't say whether he had a vasectomy or not, but if he was on a 'work trip' and returned acting funny, I would suspect he's back to the behavior you were worried about only a year ago or picked up something else to lie about." - AngelaMoore44
"He has been. You just keep pushing for it. You literally admitted it. It’s YOU who isn’t being straightforward. You two are not compatible at this point."
"Even if he does manage to get you pregnant, it’d only be because you kept pushing for it. You’d bring a child into this world regardless of his feelings on the matter, and you’ve made that clear to him."
"You two need to be having a whole different conversation, and the sooner you admit that, the sooner you both can move on with your lives. NOR for wanting the truth, but that’s the least of your issues." - Mariehoney92
Others questioned if the OP still wanted this relationship if it meant not having children.
"Why would you want a kid with someone you trust this little?? Also, why push the child thing if he’s not really excited about it? This sounds like a disaster on many levels. Please don’t have a child." - palequeen452
"'Since trying to conceive, he has not been enthusiastic but says he’s ready for another kid (mainly me pushing for it).' I have issues with this statement, even without considering the potential vasectomy."
"This should always be a 'two enthusiastic yeses' situation. Full stop. What's going on here?" - bee102019
"It reads, to me at least, like OP is trying to coerce him into having a child that he doesn’t want after they agreed on being child-free going in. Maybe he got snipped, maybe he didn’t."
"They aren’t on the same page (god, it seems like they’re not even in the same f**king book), there are trust issues, and this relationship does not sound like the right situation to bring a child into." - MartinisnMurder
"As a childfree by choice woman, it just doesn't sit well with me. It's okay to change your mind. But if you change your mind, you've got to accept that your partner may not, and if your goals and values no longer align, then you need to respect that and end the relationship. As simple as that."
"I'm also not thrilled with the lack of self-awareness. I spent years of my life being told 'you'll change your mind!' because of people like this who aren't introspective enough to consider the full implications of their choice, only to change their minds later, but that's my own personal gripe to bear."
"My point is that it says a lot about a person who makes decisions without fully thinking them through, because the same can be said for the reverse. If you're saying you want a kid now, has that been equally as well thought out? Or are you going to change your mind once the kid is here and it's not all that you'd imagined it would be?"
"But, seriously, if you can't talk to your partner openly and honestly about this, let alone agree about it entirely, AND there are trust issues to the point where dishonesty and deception are in play? Come on. Not the place for a child to be brought into the mix." - DescriptionBulky6259
"This is the worst part. In my 30s, we agreed to leave having a child up to chance. I remember my husband and I both being so on the fence, but he was leaning more towards the kids, but agreed to whatever I wanted as I’d be carrying the child."
"I got frustrated because he seemed to be trying to not get me pregnant, but he didn’t admit to it. Now that we are separated, he has told me he did his best not to get me pregnant."
"Like, why didn’t you tell me at the time? That’s more than a year of taking extra vitamins and tracking my cycle and worrying that I could have saved. I even suggested the mental block he had at the time, and he said that wasn’t it."
"Whether or not he’s gotten a vasectomy, you two won’t be having any children. Are you okay with this? And are you okay not trusting your husband?" - LivSaJo
Though it seems that the OP is now more confident that she wants a child than she was earlier in her marriage, it seems that her husband is more confident, as well, about not wanting more children.
Both of those wishes should be respected, and the pair of them will have to decide whether this is something worth discussing so they can stay married, or if they want different things and should pursue other relationships.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her